I was having a pint of beer when I heard a little voice squeaking: "Oooo, I like your haircut!".
I looked round but there was no-one there. A minute later the same voice said: "Nice shoes! They look really good on you!". But the bar was still empty.
"What's going on?" I aked the barman. "Oh that's just the peanuts," he said, "they're complimentary"...
In this 250th anniversary year of the birth of Lud van Beethhoven, an overly excited fan of his immortal music felt the personal need to get closer to his hero ... So ... One night under cover of deep darkness he broke into the old fella's tomb ... Just as he removed the last stone slab he was stunned to see LIGHT ... and ... sitting at a small desk was Master B. himself ... !!! ... furiously erasing sheets of music ... Lud was startled by the intrusion, looked up and shouted, "Get out ... !!! ... Leave me alone ... !!! ... I'm decomposing ... !!!"
Bloke goes to the doctor with stomach pains. Doctor diagnoses a tapeworm.
"Unfortunately" he says "NHS cuts mean the medicine route is now deemed unaffordable. We do have another treatment available, but it's - uncomfortable*"
"Don't care" the man says "whatever".
"OK. Just lay face down on the couch and lower your trousers"
The man does so and the doctor - with some difficulty - inserts an orange and a mars bar into the man via the now exposed orifice.
This is repeated for five weeks, by which time the poor man is considering going private, whatever the cost. But the doctor reassures him that this is the final round of treatment.
The doctor inserts the orange, then waits. After a couple of minutes the tapeworm sticks his head out and says "'ere! Where's me mars bar?"
The doctor produces a mallet from behind his back.
This is a bit of silly Black Country humour about two daft characters called Aynuk and Ayli. Cradley Heath high street is a long street with 5 ways at one end and 4 ways at the end. One Sunday morning, Aynuk was walking from 4 ways towards 5 ways and saw a familiar figure in the distance walking towards him. He said to himself, " I'm sure that's Ayli" At the same time Ayli was walking from 5 ways towards 4 ways and he also spotted a familiar figure walking towards him. He said to himself "I'm sure that's Aynuk "
When they got to the Market they found out that it neither of them.
This is a bit of silly Black Country humour about two daft characters called Aynuk and Ayli. Cradley Heath high street is a long street with 5 ways at one end and 4 ways at the end. One Sunday morning, Aynuk was walking from 4 ways towards 5 ways and saw a familiar figure in the distance walking towards him. He said to himself, " I'm sure that's Ayli" At the same time Ayli was walking from 5 ways towards 4 ways and he also spotted a familiar figure walking towards him. He said to himself "I'm sure that's Aynuk "
When they got to the Market they found out that it neither of them.
Or, as PeeWee Herman used to say, "I meant to do that ..."
"Haven't we met once before - in Newcastle, wasn't it?"
"Don't think so, I've never been to Newcastle."
"Neither have I, come to think of it."
"Ah. Must have been two other fellows, then."
This is a bit of silly Black Country humour about two daft characters called Aynuk and Ayli. Cradley Heath high street is a long street with 5 ways at one end and 4 ways at the end. One Sunday morning, Aynuk was walking from 4 ways towards 5 ways and saw a familiar figure in the distance walking towards him. He said to himself, " I'm sure that's Ayli" At the same time Ayli was walking from 5 ways towards 4 ways and he also spotted a familiar figure walking towards him. He said to himself "I'm sure that's Aynuk "
When they got to the Market they found out that it neither of them.
To my great surprise, I heard a mother call her child by name - Eli - today in a local park. Mind, she had a local accent not a Black Country one. So it wasn't Ayli. Not a widespread name these days, though, any more than my Ship name is.
I've known some boys/men named Eli. This may be a Pond difference, but a lot of baby boys seem to have been getting Biblical (mostly Old Testament) names in recent years.
I've also met one Enoch. He's a Mormon (in Utah), which might have something to do with it.
Old Testament names (Noah, Elijah) seem to have become popular here too. But I don't think I've ever encountered an Eli - possibly it's too close to Ellie, which is very popular for girls.
Old Testament names (Noah, Elijah) seem to have become popular here too. But I don't think I've ever encountered an Eli - possibly it's too close to Ellie, which is very popular for girls.
Since Eli isn't exactly an admired figure in the Old Testament, he'd be quite an odd name to choose for one's son.
The patriarch Abraham is talking with God, who is promising to bless him and make him a father of many nations. There is only one problem. As a sign of this covenant God requires all male children to be circumcised.
“What is circumcision?” asks Abraham.
God chuckles and says, “Why Abraham, do you not know? It is snipping off your foreskin.”
Abraham sighs. “But I do not know what a foreskin is,” he protests.
“That useless bit of flesh on the end of your penis,” retorts God.
Abraham pauses, and then says, “But I thought that was called a man.”
“No,” says God, “I mean the other end.”
The patriarch Abraham is talking with God, who is promising to bless him and make him a father of many nations. There is only one problem. As a sign of this covenant God requires all male children to be circumcised.
“What is circumcision?” asks Abraham.
God chuckles and says, “Why Abraham, do you not know? It is snipping off your foreskin.”
Abraham sighs. “But I do not know what a foreskin is,” he protests.
“That useless bit of flesh on the end of your penis,” retorts God.
Abraham pauses, and then says, “But I thought that was called a man.”
“No,” says God, “I mean the other end.”
And Moses said to The LORD, "Let me see if I've got this ... They get all the oil deposits, and we have to cut off the tip of our WHAT ... ???"
The patriarch Abraham is talking with God, who is promising to bless him and make him a father of many nations. There is only one problem. As a sign of this covenant God requires all male children to be circumcised.
“What is circumcision?” asks Abraham.
God chuckles and says, “Why Abraham, do you not know? It is snipping off your foreskin.”
Abraham sighs. “But I do not know what a foreskin is,” he protests.
“That useless bit of flesh on the end of your penis,” retorts God.
Abraham pauses, and then says, “But I thought that was called a man.”
“No,” says God, “I mean the other end.”
And Moses said to The LORD, "Let me see if I've got this ... They get all the oil deposits, and we have to cut off the tip of our WHAT ... ???"
The patriarch Abraham is talking with God, who is promising to bless him and make him a father of many nations. There is only one problem. As a sign of this covenant God requires all male children to be circumcised.
“What is circumcision?” asks Abraham.
God chuckles and says, “Why Abraham, do you not know? It is snipping off your foreskin.”
Abraham sighs. “But I do not know what a foreskin is,” he protests.
“That useless bit of flesh on the end of your penis,” retorts God.
Abraham pauses, and then says, “But I thought that was called a man.”
“No,” says God, “I mean the other end.”
And Moses said to The LORD, "Let me see if I've got this ... They get all the oil deposits, and we have to cut off the tip of our WHAT ... ???"
Is Egypt known for its oil?
It's a JOKE, you see ...
The Land of Israel is NOT known for large oil deposits, you see ...
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to **** off."
Old Testament names (Noah, Elijah) seem to have become popular here too. But I don't think I've ever encountered an Eli - possibly it's too close to Ellie, which is very popular for girls.
Since Eli isn't exactly an admired figure in the Old Testament, he'd be quite an odd name to choose for one's son.
Eli is OK. He comes over as nice, sensitive but insufficiently tough. He failed to rein in his useless sons, but then Samuel (whom one could never accuse of being insufficiently tough) had the same failing.
I think there may have been a time when people who named their children after Biblical characters gave a thought to whether the person was admirable or not, but a lot of Bible names (especially for boys) have come back into popularity now in a generation where most people don't have a lot of Biblical literacy, so they probably just like the sound of Eli (and may not even know it's from the Bible but have come across it in their own family tree).
Then again, even in the old days when people were presumed to have a better knowledge of the Bible, you did (at least around here) get a lot of random Bible names, especially the long, ornate-sounding ones, that were obviously not based on admiration for the character. Five or sex generations back in my husband's family tree there's a Nebuchadnezzar.
No series of comments on biblical names is complete without at least a brief hat-tip to the puritans. Economist Nicholas Barbon, the son of Praise-God Barebone (of Barebone's parliament fame) is said to have been baptized If-Jesus-Christ-had-not-died-for-thee-thou-hadst-been-damned.
I knew an LDS who was named after a real loser in the Book of Mormon (I forget now which). He was not terribly happy with his parents about it but he took a "whatcha gonna do" attitude.
I work with a fair few black colleagues with names such as Perfect, Gift, Precious. I like it as a concept, but I'm not sure I'd have the courage to bestow a name like that - I think it comes from black evangelical culture here.
I knew an LDS who was named after a real loser in the Book of Mormon (I forget now which). He was not terribly happy with his parents about it but he took a "whatcha gonna do" attitude.
Uh, could he not have legally changed his birth name to something less problematic? I legally changed my entire name in 1991. Of course, my sisters and other relatives weren't overly thrilled, but...
I work with a fair few black colleagues with names such as Perfect, Gift, Precious. I like it as a concept, but I'm not sure I'd have the courage to bestow a name like that - I think it comes from black evangelical culture here.
A friend and her husband named their two daughters, Hope and Chastity. Chastity got pregnant before marriage when she was barely out of high school...
I knew an LDS who was named after a real loser in the Book of Mormon (I forget now which). He was not terribly happy with his parents about it but he took a "whatcha gonna do" attitude.
Uh, could he not have legally changed his birth name to something less problematic? I legally changed my entire name in 1991. Of course, my sisters and other relatives weren't overly thrilled, but...
I'm not sure Mormons do such things. Family is VERY important to them, I am told. Dissing the 'rents is unthinkable unless you're leaving the faith entirely. For the life of me I can't think where I knew him because before I became a teacher my contact with teenagers was entirely through church (and I'm not Mormon). Sweet kid, as I remember.
I work with a fair few black colleagues with names such as Perfect, Gift, Precious. I like it as a concept, but I'm not sure I'd have the courage to bestow a name like that - I think it comes from black evangelical culture here.
A friend and her husband named their two daughters, Hope and Chastity. Chastity got pregnant before marriage when she was barely out of high school...
On Pratchett's Discworld it was noticed that girls named after virtues rarely demonstrated them, so they tried instead naming boys after vices so that they would likewise avoid them ("Bestiality Carter, for example, was very kind to animals...")
Comments
Go wash your hands ... Please ...
I didn't even know he played cricket.
Wife: You've never bought me flowers.
Huband: I didn't know you sold flowers.
"I was supposed to meet a priest, an imam, and a rabbi here, but they stood me up ..."
A - Fish.
Noddy shouted, " It's Crisps Miss"
I looked round but there was no-one there. A minute later the same voice said: "Nice shoes! They look really good on you!". But the bar was still empty.
"What's going on?" I aked the barman. "Oh that's just the peanuts," he said, "they're complimentary"...
"Unfortunately" he says "NHS cuts mean the medicine route is now deemed unaffordable. We do have another treatment available, but it's - uncomfortable*"
"Don't care" the man says "whatever".
"OK. Just lay face down on the couch and lower your trousers"
The man does so and the doctor - with some difficulty - inserts an orange and a mars bar into the man via the now exposed orifice.
This is repeated for five weeks, by which time the poor man is considering going private, whatever the cost. But the doctor reassures him that this is the final round of treatment.
The doctor inserts the orange, then waits. After a couple of minutes the tapeworm sticks his head out and says "'ere! Where's me mars bar?"
The doctor produces a mallet from behind his back.
**BANG**
"Got you, you bastard!"
*medical speak for "excruciatingly painful"
and a young man thinks it is a good time for a drum solo...
I will get me coat.
When they got to the Market they found out that it neither of them.
Or, as PeeWee Herman used to say, "I meant to do that ..."
"Don't think so, I've never been to Newcastle."
"Neither have I, come to think of it."
"Ah. Must have been two other fellows, then."
I've also met one Enoch. He's a Mormon (in Utah), which might have something to do with it.
Just a curious question ...
The little boy's middle name ... maybe ... is ...
... (wait for it) ...
"Lamasabachthani" ... ???
!!! ktttsssccchhh !!! ... [cymbal crash]
“What is circumcision?” asks Abraham.
God chuckles and says, “Why Abraham, do you not know? It is snipping off your foreskin.”
Abraham sighs. “But I do not know what a foreskin is,” he protests.
“That useless bit of flesh on the end of your penis,” retorts God.
Abraham pauses, and then says, “But I thought that was called a man.”
“No,” says God, “I mean the other end.”
And Moses said to The LORD, "Let me see if I've got this ... They get all the oil deposits, and we have to cut off the tip of our WHAT ... ???"
Is Egypt known for its oil?
It's a JOKE, you see ...
The Land of Israel is NOT known for large oil deposits, you see ...
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to **** off."
I am so very sorry.
I know (all currently children) one Eli, a couple of Elijahs, a couple of Efraims, an Ezra, an Elisha, and a couple of Ethans.
Seems like E is a fairly popular initial.
Eli is OK. He comes over as nice, sensitive but insufficiently tough. He failed to rein in his useless sons, but then Samuel (whom one could never accuse of being insufficiently tough) had the same failing.
Then again, even in the old days when people were presumed to have a better knowledge of the Bible, you did (at least around here) get a lot of random Bible names, especially the long, ornate-sounding ones, that were obviously not based on admiration for the character. Five or sex generations back in my husband's family tree there's a Nebuchadnezzar.
Oh, lovely!
In my own there's a Taletha Cumi. (see Mark 5:41)
An Islander comes to Glasgow and goes to buy a ticket for the underground. New to this, he watches the woman in front to see how it's done.
"Maryhill* Single."
He steps up. "Hamish Mckay. Merrit**"
For oversees listeners
*place in Glasgow
**=married
I did not catch my typo when I first posted this, but I assume our Nebuchadnezzar and all the generations before him came about in the usual way ....
I wonder if he raised an Ebenezer ... ???
There’s a similar Black Country joke based around the women wanting to travel to Selly (pronounced “Sally” in the BC dialect) Oak.
This could be a "country rube" joke naturalized in any city.
Uh, could he not have legally changed his birth name to something less problematic? I legally changed my entire name in 1991. Of course, my sisters and other relatives weren't overly thrilled, but...
A friend and her husband named their two daughters, Hope and Chastity. Chastity got pregnant before marriage when she was barely out of high school...
I'm not sure Mormons do such things. Family is VERY important to them, I am told. Dissing the 'rents is unthinkable unless you're leaving the faith entirely. For the life of me I can't think where I knew him because before I became a teacher my contact with teenagers was entirely through church (and I'm not Mormon). Sweet kid, as I remember.
On Pratchett's Discworld it was noticed that girls named after virtues rarely demonstrated them, so they tried instead naming boys after vices so that they would likewise avoid them ("Bestiality Carter, for example, was very kind to animals...")