There was an old woman from Chard
Who grew spinach in her large backyard.
But the NIMBYs complained
So her own death she feigned
Now she lives on the roof of the Shard.
There was an Old Man of the City
Who thought he was clever and witty
But his pussy was brighter
Than him - what a blighter!
And his goldfish was too, more's the pity.
There once was a singer called Bob
There once was a scatterbrained nanny
Whose actions were strange and uncanny
She sang to her wards
Of magical swords
And the wolf who had eaten their granny
Both our versions rhymed, scanned, and made sense, but I think the dark-humour gives his the edge.
A cheerleader cheering her team
Was heard in the bleachers to scream:
"Just pummel their butts
'Cuz their cheer-squad are sluts!"
Which made the whole audience beam.
There was an Old Man who played Cricket
Who took middle and leg at the wicket
He scored lots of runs*
To the joy of some nuns
Who cried "Just bat the ball, but don't kick it!"
* If this is logically impossible or contravenes The Rules, please accept my apologies.
There once was a chap who played rugger
There once was a chap who played rugger
Who met, on a dark night, a mugger
But the man he did tackle
That felonious jackal
And now all his friends call him slugger
(Well done. I'm gonna bind those together properly...)
There was a Young Person of Wales
Who perpetually chewed on his Nails
He later tried screws
And the fittings from pews,
With results that his autopsy details.
There was an Old Man who said *Crumbs!
I seem to have chewed off my Thumbs!*
*And there go my toes!
And God only knows...
How now I should work out my sums.
Great! I actually thought of the word "sums" for the ending, but couldn't think of a way to fit it in.
I'm gonna clean up the punctuation a little...
There was an Old Man who said *Crumbs!
I seem to have chewed off my Thumbs!
And there go my toes!
And God only knows
How now I should work out my sums.*
A Parisienne doing the can-can
Was loudly acclaimed by a Van-man
Thus saith the trucker:
*You might come a mucker!* (slang phrase for e.g. falling over)
A Parisienne doing the can-can
Was loudly acclaimed by a Van-man
Thus saith the trucker:
*You might come a mucker,
Thereby reducing your life-span!*
An actor who reached for the stars
There was an Old Man of South Creake
Who went without food for a week
Because his dear spouse
Had gone out of the house
In a fit of extraordinary pique.
Comments
Who grew spinach in her large backyard.
But the NIMBYs complained
Who grew spinach in her large backyard.
But the NIMBYs complained
So her own death she feigned
Now she lives on the roof of the Shard.
Who thought he was clever and witty
Who thought he was clever and witty
But his pussy was brighter
Who thought he was clever and witty
But his pussy was brighter
Than him - what a blighter!
And his goldfish was too, more's the pity.
There once was a singer called Bob
Who lost his voice while on a job
Who lost his voice while on a job
So he started to hum
And bang on his drum
Who lost his voice while on a job
So he started to hum
And bang on his drum
Which puzzled the philistine mob.
Both our versions rhymed, scanned, and made sense, but I think the dark-humour gives his the edge.
A cheerleader cheering her team
Was heard in the bleachers to scream:
Was heard in the bleachers to scream:
"Just pummel their butts
'Cuz their cheer-squad are sluts!"
Which made the whole audience beam.
Who took middle and leg at the wicket
Who took middle and leg at the wicket
But his bat became stuck
Who took middle and leg at the wicket
He scored lots of runs*
To the joy of some nuns
Who cried "Just bat the ball, but don't kick it!"
* If this is logically impossible or contravenes The Rules, please accept my apologies.
There once was a chap who played rugger
Who met, on a dark night, a mugger
Who met, on a dark night, a mugger
But the man he did tackle
Who met, on a dark night, a mugger
But the man he did tackle
That felonious jackal
And now all his friends call him slugger
I put on the lard again, eh!
I put on the lard again, eh!
An excess of Coffee
And far too much Toffee
I put on the lard again, eh!
An excess of Coffee
And far too much Toffee
I’m afraid to see what I now weigh!
There was a Young Person of Wales
Who perpetually chewed on his Nails
And the fittings from pews,
With results that his autopsy details.
There was a Young Person of Wales
Who perpetually chewed on his Nails
He later tried screws
And the fittings from pews,
With results that his autopsy details.
There was an Old Man who said *Crumbs!
I seem to have chewed off my Thumbs!*
I seem to have chewed off my Thumbs!*
*And there go my toes!
And God only knows...
I seem to have chewed off my Thumbs!*
*And there go my toes!
And God only knows...
How now I should work out my sums.
Great! I actually thought of the word "sums" for the ending, but couldn't think of a way to fit it in.
I'm gonna clean up the punctuation a little...
There was an Old Man who said *Crumbs!
I seem to have chewed off my Thumbs!
And there go my toes!
And God only knows
How now I should work out my sums.*
Was loudly acclaimed by a Van-man
Was loudly acclaimed by a Van-man
Thus saith the trucker:
Was loudly acclaimed by a Van-man
Thus saith the trucker:
*You might come a mucker!* (slang phrase for e.g. falling over)
Was loudly acclaimed by a Van-man
Thus saith the trucker:
*You might come a mucker,
Thereby reducing your life-span!*
An actor who reached for the stars
Could only get work tending bars.
His goals, though all stellar
Could only get work tending bars.
His goals, though all stellar
Ended up in the cellar
Could only get work tending bars.
His goals, though all stellar
Ended up in the cellar
Often being sick in a vase.
Who went without food for a week
Who went without food for a week
Because his dear spouse
Who went without food for a week
Because his dear spouse
Had gone out of the house
In a fit of extraordinary pique.
The Scottish Play shall not be named
Lest some poor performer gets maimed
Lest some poor performer gets maimed
They get very freaked
And their noses get tweaked
And the butler is much to be blamed
There was an Old Man with a Phone
Who was talking whilst eating a cone
Who was talking whilst eating a cone
He mixed the two up
And thus ended up
Who was talking whilst eating a cone
He mixed the two up
And thus ended up
Poisoned by plasic alone.