Bad jokes

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  • SandemaniacSandemaniac Shipmate
    A nice floral joke for spring:

    What's better than daffodils around your piano?

    Tulips around your organ!
  • RockyRogerRockyRoger Shipmate
    A nice floral joke for spring:

    What's better than daffodils around your piano?

    Tulips around your organ!

    Well really!
  • DafydDafyd Hell Host
    Here's an easy recipe for children's parties. Take butter, sugar, flour and eggs, mix them together, divide in two portions and bake. Then join the two halves together with tomato sauce and put melted cheese on top. Simple. Pizza cake.
  • RockyRogerRockyRoger Shipmate
    Dafyd wrote: »
    Here's an easy recipe for children's parties. Take butter, sugar, flour and eggs, mix them together, divide in two portions and bake. Then join the two halves together with tomato sauce and put melted cheese on top. Simple. Pizza cake.

    Please make it stop!
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    What did Hannibal Lector request as his final meal? Five Guys...
  • Merry VoleMerry Vole Shipmate
    The Proclaimers have released a protest version of their classic 80s hit Letter from America; "Golf Links no more, Tariffs no more..." 🎶
  • PriscillaPriscilla Shipmate
    Not really a joke but:
    A B C D golfish
    M.N O golfish
    S D. R golfish
    R D R golfish

    You need to say it!
  • Merry VoleMerry Vole Shipmate
    Afraid I don't get it, Priscilla!
  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    edited April 8
    Abie, see de gol'fish
    'Em no gol'fish
    'Es de are gol'fish
    Arr, de are gol'fish

    I remember this from a collection called Verse and Worse. Another gem was -

    The Spring is sprung
    The grass is riz
    I wonder where dem boidies is?
    The little boids is on the wing -
    Ain't that absoid?
    The little wings is on the boid.


    Amazing what sticks in the memory after 60 years.
  • And since it describes our current weather perfectly, I'll resurrect this ancient one...

    First it rained and then it snew
    Then it friz and then it thew
    And then it friz again.

    Then it fogged and then it blew
    And very shortly after then
    It rained and snew
    and friz and thew
    and fogged and blew again.

  • PriscillaPriscilla Shipmate
    @Merry Vole you need to read it out loud :smile:
    Abbie see. the goldfish
    Them are no goldfish
    Yes they are goldfish
    Ar,they are goldfish
  • BroJamesBroJames Purgatory Host
    It reminds me of a Two Ronnies sketch about language learning (Swedish) and subtitles:
    L.O.
    L.O.
    R.U.B.C?
    S.V.R.B.C.
    F.U.N.E.X?
    S.V.F.X.
    F.U.N.E.M?
    9.
    I.F.C.D.M.
    V.F.N.10.E.M.
    A! V.F.M.
    R!
    O!
    C. D.M.
    O.S. V.F.M.
    O.K. M.N.X.
    F.U.N.E.T?
    1 T.
    O.K. M.X.N.T.
    M.X.N.T. 4 1
    V.F.N.10.E.X.
    U.Z*U.F.X!
    Y.F.N.T.U.N.E.X?
    I.F.E.10.M.
  • BroJamesBroJames Purgatory Host
    edited April 8
    Hello,
    Hello
    Are you busy?
    Yes, we are busy.
    Have you any eggs?
    Yes, we have eggs.
    Have you any ham?
    Nine
    I have see the ham.
    We haven’t any ham.
    Hey! We have ham.
    Ah!
    Oh!
    See! The Ham.
    Oh yes! We have Ham.
    OK Ham and eggs.
    Have you any tea?
    One tea.
    Ham, eggs, and tea for one.
    We haven’t any eggs.
    You said you have eggs! (*British pronunciation of Z)
    Why haven’t you any eggs?
    I have eaten them.
  • PriscillaPriscilla Shipmate
    😁
  • I was thinking of that 2-Ronnies sketch too.


    I do think Ronnie Barker never really got enough credit for his genius word sketches. They were masterful, ans always superbly clever.
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    Two jokes and a comic today.

    1.

    I drink filtered water,
    Filtered through coffee grounds
    I drink coffee
    Lots of coffee
    Coffee.

    2.

    Did you hear a rabbit has been hired at the microbrewery?
    He has been put in charge of the hops.

    3.

    Pickles Comic Strip
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    From Mrs Gramps:

    Every once in a while
    I wonder if he could find a better wife
    But then I remember,
    He cannot find anything.
  • SparrowSparrow Shipmate
    I was thinking of that 2-Ronnies sketch too.


    I do think Ronnie Barker never really got enough credit for his genius word sketches. They were masterful, ans always superbly clever.

    "Four Candles"
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    Why Cows Don't Speak

    God: You're a cow.

    Cow: I am a cow.

    God: And your baby is called a calf.

    Cow: I am so tired.

    God: W-what? Why are you tired?

    Cow: Because I am decalfinated.

    God:

    Cow: Someone is laughintolerant.
  • EirenistEirenist Shipmate
    Tennyson wrote:
    'The beggar-maid shall be my queen!' quoth King Cophetua.'
    Conversationally, HM would refer to her as 'My waif'.
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    I just heard Google can read maps backwards. But I think that's spam.
  • Merry VoleMerry Vole Shipmate
    Does drinking zero alcohol lager make you nervous?
    -You've got a faux-beer...
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    Merry Vole wrote: »
    Does drinking zero alcohol lager make you nervous?
    -You've got a faux-beer...

    I actually drink non-alcohol beer. Over the years they have actually gotten much better in taste. Back to the jokes.

    Do you know what the Beatles would drink after their concerts?
    Lennonade.
  • EirenistEirenist Shipmate
    Tennyson again: If you don't like 'The Lady of Shalott' you must be off your onion.
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    What happened to the physicists who were cooled to 273.15 degrees below the freezing point of water?
    They were all 0K
  • EirenistEirenist Shipmate
    If you don'f want electric buses, you muat be off your trolley.
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    This Englishman is walking in the Scottish Highlands. He gets thirsty and stoops to drink from a burn.

    A local farmer sees him and shouts out "Dinnae dee that! 'S full o' pish an' shite from coos!"

    The Englishman turns and in a cut glass Home Counties accent says "I'm terribly sorry, I didn't catch a word of that gobbledegook. Could you possibly use the King's English like civilised people and try again?"

    The farmer replies "Use... both... hands... You'll... get... more... that... way!"
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    I went to an eyeglass convention last weekend. It was a real spectacle.
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    Well, it happened today.
    As I was leaving work, I realized I did not have my keys.
    I looked everywhere. I could not find them.
    I realized I must have left them in the car.
    My wife has constantly scolded me for leaving my keys in the car.
    She said it might get stolen.
    I went down to the parking lot to see if they were in the car.
    But the parking lot was empty!
    I ended up calling the police to report a stolen car.
    I admitted to them I had left my keys in the car.
    Then I had to make the most difficult call of the day.
    I called my wife to tell her I had left the keys in the car, and it was stolen.
    There was silence on the other end.
    I thought we had been disconnected.
    Then she said, "Don't you remember, I dropped you off today."
    Now, it was my turn to be silent.
    Finally, I said, "Well, will you come get me?"
    She said, "I will, as soon as I can convince the officer I did not steal your damn car."
  • Merry VoleMerry Vole Shipmate
    I once forgot where I had parked my car and thought it must have been stolen. I phoned the police and when I told them the make and year of the car they said "to be honest, sir, that type of car is pretty unlikely to be stolen " !
  • RockyRogerRockyRoger Shipmate
    edited May 2
    Gramps49 wrote: »
    Well, it happened today.
    As I was leaving work, I realized I did not have my keys.
    I looked everywhere. I could not find them.
    I realized I must have left them in the car.
    My wife has constantly scolded me for leaving my keys in the car.
    She said it might get stolen.
    I went down to the parking lot to see if they were in the car.
    But the parking lot was empty!
    I ended up calling the police to report a stolen car.
    I admitted to them I had left my keys in the car.
    Then I had to make the most difficult call of the day.
    I called my wife to tell her I had left the keys in the car, and it was stolen.
    There was silence on the other end.
    I thought we had been disconnected.
    Then she said, "Don't you remember, I dropped you off today."
    Now, it was my turn to be silent.
    Finally, I said, "Well, will you come get me?"
    She said, "I will, as soon as I can convince the officer I did not steal your damn car."

    I'm so glad these sorts of 'senior moments' (or rather days?) don't just happen to me!
  • North East QuineNorth East Quine Purgatory Host
    One of my husband's colleagues parked in a multi-storey, and when he returned, his car was not there. So he tried one floor up, then one floor down, then he had a general wander about in case he had just forgotten where he was parked.

    He phoned the police to report it stolen and then phoned his wife. She wanted to know what the garage were going to do about a car being stolen whilst it was in for repair. At which point he remembered he was driving his wife's car that day.

    He returned to the place he thought he's parked and there was his wife's car, which he had failed to recognise the first time he walked up to it.

  • BroJamesBroJames Purgatory Host
    I once came out of the office, helmet in hand, and spent some time wandering about looking for my motorbike. I couldn’t find it in any of the places where I usually parked it. Fortunately, before I got as far as phoning the police, I remembered that I had ridden the bike to the dealer for servicing, and then come into work by train. By this time, if I remember rightly, it was now too late to go and collect the bike, so the next day’s travel arrangements were muddled up as well! It’s the sort of thing you might call a “senior moment“, but I was under 30 at the time.
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    I asked the bike shop for galvanised wheels, but they gave me galvanised pedals instead! What were they zincing?
  • A North Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets
    a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts
    grinning from ear to ear, then when he disconnects he shouts to the
    barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.
    The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd
    around keen to know what they are celebrating.
    "Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical North Queensland
    baby boy weighing 25 pounds".
    Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
    the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in North Queensland .
    Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."
    Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations
    of "STREWTH" and "BLOODY HELL!" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
    Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the same bar. The barman
    says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed
    25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about
    how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much
    does he weigh now?"
    The proud father answers: "17 pounds."
    The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed
    25 pounds the day he was born!"
    The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold
    beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly
    says, "We had him circumcised!"
  • Graven ImageGraven Image Shipmate
    The alphabet is very scary. A Bee Sea.
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    Some computer scientists called their band 999 Megabytes because...
    they couldn't get a gig
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    I ate a waffle on a Southern California beach.
    It was a sandy Eggo.
  • EirenistEirenist Shipmate
    Nellie the Elephant is a cheerleader for the US Republicans We knw that because 'Off she went with a Trumpety-Trump, Trump, Trump,Trump!
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    The electric company called to tell me my payment is outstanding. What a nice compliment.
  • RockyRogerRockyRoger Shipmate
    Eirenist wrote: »
    Nellie the Elephant is a cheerleader for the US Republicans We know that because 'Off she went with a Trumpety-Trump, Trump, Trump,Trump!

    Oh, that's good!
  • PriscillaPriscilla Shipmate
    Why did the chicken cross the playground?
    To get to the other slide.
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    edited May 15
    That picture of Donald Trump as the Pope - surely Elon Musk would have more Paypal associations?
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    What do you give the man who has everything?
    Broad-spectrum antibiotics
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    I want you women to know making your spouse sleep on the couch is good for camping.
    It helps him learn how to sleep with an angry bear nearby.
  • Merry VoleMerry Vole Shipmate
    Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

    Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels..
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    Produced by TQ-tastic-let #1 - What happened to the triangle who broke into the cuboid house? He found himself in prism...
  • EirenistEirenist Shipmate
    Transitory: a cross-dressing conservative. [Note to host: if this is thought likely to cause outrage, scandal or offence. please bin it. But it is, by definition, a Bad Joke.]
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    Three golf clubs walked into a bar.
    The putter ordered a whisky.
    The wedge order a martini.
    What did the third one order?
    Just a soda. He was the driver.
  • Eirenist wrote: »
    Transitory: a cross-dressing conservative. [Note to host: if this is thought likely to cause outrage, scandal or offence. please bin it. But it is, by definition, a Bad Joke.]

    I think it is a terrible joke by every definition.
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