Here's an easy recipe for children's parties. Take butter, sugar, flour and eggs, mix them together, divide in two portions and bake. Then join the two halves together with tomato sauce and put melted cheese on top. Simple. Pizza cake.
Here's an easy recipe for children's parties. Take butter, sugar, flour and eggs, mix them together, divide in two portions and bake. Then join the two halves together with tomato sauce and put melted cheese on top. Simple. Pizza cake.
Abie, see de gol'fish
'Em no gol'fish
'Es de are gol'fish
Arr, de are gol'fish
I remember this from a collection called Verse and Worse. Another gem was -
The Spring is sprung
The grass is riz
I wonder where dem boidies is?
The little boids is on the wing -
Ain't that absoid?
The little wings is on the boid.
It reminds me of a Two Ronnies sketch about language learning (Swedish) and subtitles:
L.O.
L.O.
R.U.B.C?
S.V.R.B.C.
F.U.N.E.X?
S.V.F.X.
F.U.N.E.M?
9.
I.F.C.D.M.
V.F.N.10.E.M.
A! V.F.M.
R!
O!
C. D.M.
O.S. V.F.M.
O.K. M.N.X.
F.U.N.E.T?
1 T.
O.K. M.X.N.T.
M.X.N.T. 4 1
V.F.N.10.E.X.
U.Z*U.F.X!
Y.F.N.T.U.N.E.X?
I.F.E.10.M.
Hello,
Hello
Are you busy?
Yes, we are busy.
Have you any eggs?
Yes, we have eggs.
Have you any ham?
Nine
I have see the ham.
We haven’t any ham.
Hey! We have ham.
Ah!
Oh!
See! The Ham.
Oh yes! We have Ham.
OK Ham and eggs.
Have you any tea?
One tea.
Ham, eggs, and tea for one.
We haven’t any eggs.
You said you have eggs! (*British pronunciation of Z)
Why haven’t you any eggs?
I have eaten them.
This Englishman is walking in the Scottish Highlands. He gets thirsty and stoops to drink from a burn.
A local farmer sees him and shouts out "Dinnae dee that! 'S full o' pish an' shite from coos!"
The Englishman turns and in a cut glass Home Counties accent says "I'm terribly sorry, I didn't catch a word of that gobbledegook. Could you possibly use the King's English like civilised people and try again?"
Well, it happened today.
As I was leaving work, I realized I did not have my keys.
I looked everywhere. I could not find them.
I realized I must have left them in the car.
My wife has constantly scolded me for leaving my keys in the car.
She said it might get stolen.
I went down to the parking lot to see if they were in the car.
But the parking lot was empty!
I ended up calling the police to report a stolen car.
I admitted to them I had left my keys in the car.
Then I had to make the most difficult call of the day.
I called my wife to tell her I had left the keys in the car, and it was stolen.
There was silence on the other end.
I thought we had been disconnected.
Then she said, "Don't you remember, I dropped you off today."
Now, it was my turn to be silent.
Finally, I said, "Well, will you come get me?"
She said, "I will, as soon as I can convince the officer I did not steal your damn car."
I once forgot where I had parked my car and thought it must have been stolen. I phoned the police and when I told them the make and year of the car they said "to be honest, sir, that type of car is pretty unlikely to be stolen " !
Well, it happened today.
As I was leaving work, I realized I did not have my keys.
I looked everywhere. I could not find them.
I realized I must have left them in the car.
My wife has constantly scolded me for leaving my keys in the car.
She said it might get stolen.
I went down to the parking lot to see if they were in the car.
But the parking lot was empty!
I ended up calling the police to report a stolen car.
I admitted to them I had left my keys in the car.
Then I had to make the most difficult call of the day.
I called my wife to tell her I had left the keys in the car, and it was stolen.
There was silence on the other end.
I thought we had been disconnected.
Then she said, "Don't you remember, I dropped you off today."
Now, it was my turn to be silent.
Finally, I said, "Well, will you come get me?"
She said, "I will, as soon as I can convince the officer I did not steal your damn car."
I'm so glad these sorts of 'senior moments' (or rather days?) don't just happen to me!
One of my husband's colleagues parked in a multi-storey, and when he returned, his car was not there. So he tried one floor up, then one floor down, then he had a general wander about in case he had just forgotten where he was parked.
He phoned the police to report it stolen and then phoned his wife. She wanted to know what the garage were going to do about a car being stolen whilst it was in for repair. At which point he remembered he was driving his wife's car that day.
He returned to the place he thought he's parked and there was his wife's car, which he had failed to recognise the first time he walked up to it.
I once came out of the office, helmet in hand, and spent some time wandering about looking for my motorbike. I couldn’t find it in any of the places where I usually parked it. Fortunately, before I got as far as phoning the police, I remembered that I had ridden the bike to the dealer for servicing, and then come into work by train. By this time, if I remember rightly, it was now too late to go and collect the bike, so the next day’s travel arrangements were muddled up as well! It’s the sort of thing you might call a “senior moment“, but I was under 30 at the time.
A North Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets
a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts
grinning from ear to ear, then when he disconnects he shouts to the
barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.
The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd
around keen to know what they are celebrating.
"Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical North Queensland
baby boy weighing 25 pounds".
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in North Queensland .
Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations
of "STREWTH" and "BLOODY HELL!" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the same bar. The barman
says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed
25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about
how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much
does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers: "17 pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed
25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold
beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly
says, "We had him circumcised!"
Transitory: a cross-dressing conservative. [Note to host: if this is thought likely to cause outrage, scandal or offence. please bin it. But it is, by definition, a Bad Joke.]
Three golf clubs walked into a bar.
The putter ordered a whisky.
The wedge order a martini.
What did the third one order?
Just a soda. He was the driver.
Transitory: a cross-dressing conservative. [Note to host: if this is thought likely to cause outrage, scandal or offence. please bin it. But it is, by definition, a Bad Joke.]
I think it is a terrible joke by every definition.
Comments
What's better than daffodils around your piano?
Tulips around your organ!
Well really!
Please make it stop!
A B C D golfish
M.N O golfish
S D. R golfish
R D R golfish
You need to say it!
'Em no gol'fish
'Es de are gol'fish
Arr, de are gol'fish
I remember this from a collection called Verse and Worse. Another gem was -
The Spring is sprung
The grass is riz
I wonder where dem boidies is?
The little boids is on the wing -
Ain't that absoid?
The little wings is on the boid.
Amazing what sticks in the memory after 60 years.
First it rained and then it snew
Then it friz and then it thew
And then it friz again.
Then it fogged and then it blew
And very shortly after then
It rained and snew
and friz and thew
and fogged and blew again.
Abbie see. the goldfish
Them are no goldfish
Yes they are goldfish
Ar,they are goldfish
L.O.
L.O.
R.U.B.C?
S.V.R.B.C.
F.U.N.E.X?
S.V.F.X.
F.U.N.E.M?
9.
I.F.C.D.M.
V.F.N.10.E.M.
A! V.F.M.
R!
O!
C. D.M.
O.S. V.F.M.
O.K. M.N.X.
F.U.N.E.T?
1 T.
O.K. M.X.N.T.
M.X.N.T. 4 1
V.F.N.10.E.X.
U.Z*U.F.X!
Y.F.N.T.U.N.E.X?
I.F.E.10.M.
Hello
Are you busy?
Yes, we are busy.
Have you any eggs?
Yes, we have eggs.
Have you any ham?
Nine
I have see the ham.
We haven’t any ham.
Hey! We have ham.
Ah!
Oh!
See! The Ham.
Oh yes! We have Ham.
OK Ham and eggs.
Have you any tea?
One tea.
Ham, eggs, and tea for one.
We haven’t any eggs.
You said you have eggs! (*British pronunciation of Z)
Why haven’t you any eggs?
I have eaten them.
I do think Ronnie Barker never really got enough credit for his genius word sketches. They were masterful, ans always superbly clever.
1.
I drink filtered water,
Filtered through coffee grounds
I drink coffee
Lots of coffee
Coffee.
2.
Did you hear a rabbit has been hired at the microbrewery?
He has been put in charge of the hops.
3.
Pickles Comic Strip
Every once in a while
I wonder if he could find a better wife
But then I remember,
He cannot find anything.
"Four Candles"
God: You're a cow.
Cow: I am a cow.
God: And your baby is called a calf.
Cow: I am so tired.
God: W-what? Why are you tired?
Cow: Because I am decalfinated.
God:
Cow: Someone is laughintolerant.
'The beggar-maid shall be my queen!' quoth King Cophetua.'
Conversationally, HM would refer to her as 'My waif'.
-You've got a faux-beer...
I actually drink non-alcohol beer. Over the years they have actually gotten much better in taste. Back to the jokes.
Do you know what the Beatles would drink after their concerts?
A local farmer sees him and shouts out "Dinnae dee that! 'S full o' pish an' shite from coos!"
The Englishman turns and in a cut glass Home Counties accent says "I'm terribly sorry, I didn't catch a word of that gobbledegook. Could you possibly use the King's English like civilised people and try again?"
The farmer replies "Use... both... hands... You'll... get... more... that... way!"
As I was leaving work, I realized I did not have my keys.
I looked everywhere. I could not find them.
I realized I must have left them in the car.
My wife has constantly scolded me for leaving my keys in the car.
She said it might get stolen.
I went down to the parking lot to see if they were in the car.
But the parking lot was empty!
I ended up calling the police to report a stolen car.
I admitted to them I had left my keys in the car.
Then I had to make the most difficult call of the day.
I called my wife to tell her I had left the keys in the car, and it was stolen.
There was silence on the other end.
I thought we had been disconnected.
Then she said, "Don't you remember, I dropped you off today."
Now, it was my turn to be silent.
Finally, I said, "Well, will you come get me?"
She said, "I will, as soon as I can convince the officer I did not steal your damn car."
I'm so glad these sorts of 'senior moments' (or rather days?) don't just happen to me!
He phoned the police to report it stolen and then phoned his wife. She wanted to know what the garage were going to do about a car being stolen whilst it was in for repair. At which point he remembered he was driving his wife's car that day.
He returned to the place he thought he's parked and there was his wife's car, which he had failed to recognise the first time he walked up to it.
a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts
grinning from ear to ear, then when he disconnects he shouts to the
barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.
The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd
around keen to know what they are celebrating.
"Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical North Queensland
baby boy weighing 25 pounds".
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in North Queensland .
Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations
of "STREWTH" and "BLOODY HELL!" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the same bar. The barman
says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed
25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about
how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much
does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers: "17 pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed
25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold
beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly
says, "We had him circumcised!"
It was a sandy Eggo.
Oh, that's good!
To get to the other slide.
It helps him learn how to sleep with an angry bear nearby.
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels..
The putter ordered a whisky.
The wedge order a martini.
What did the third one order?
Just a soda. He was the driver.
I think it is a terrible joke by every definition.