Bad jokes

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  • A new study on women's asses has been released. The results are very interesting.

    10% of the women say their ass is too thin.

    30% say their ass too fat.

    60%say they don't care. They still love him, He's a good man, and they would not trade him for anything in the world.
  • What goes 99 clonk 99 clonk?
    A centipede with a wooden leg
  • Priscilla wrote: »
    What goes 99 clonk 99 clonk?
    A centipede with a wooden leg

    Ah, the old ones are the best!
  • On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.
    Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
    "Do you know what arthritis is?"
    The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
    "It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges and other things I dare not say."
    The drunk widened his eyes, shut up and continued reading the newspaper.
    A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften him.
    "How long have you had arthritis?" said the priest.
    "I don't, the pope does" said the drunk.
  • Telford wrote: »
    On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.
    Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
    "Do you know what arthritis is?"
    The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
    "It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges and other things I dare not say."
    The drunk widened his eyes, shut up and continued reading the newspaper.
    A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften him.
    "How long have you had arthritis?" said the priest.
    "I don't, the pope does" said the drunk.

    Splendid!!!!!
  • Black Country humour.

    A survey has shown that Black Country women are more dangerous than males.

    To summarise, A Black Country woman is Dudlier than the male
  • Not sure if we've had this already:
    Clark Kent's parting words to Lois Lane: 'Sorry, I must fly!'
  • I told myself I should stop drinking
    -but why should I listen to a drunk who talks to himself?
  • Granola: A cereal made from elderly relatives.
  • My Headmaster wrote that I would never be impotent. How wrong were you Sir !!!
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    edited November 2024
    A capacitor, a battery and a resistor all went to a pet shop

    The capacitor and the battery were heavily charged but the resistor got one free to a good ohm
  • An inductor joined them, and took home one called Henry.
  • Want to know the difference between PMS and Menopause? If your spouse has PMS, she will kill you. If your spouse has menopause, you will kill yourself.
  • North East QuineNorth East Quine Purgatory Host
    edited November 2024
    The daily word game Waffle, once completed, lets you scroll down to a definition of all the words. There are often good puns / bad jokes included.

    I saved this one from yesterday:

    My printer started making music the other day; the paper was jamming.
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    Composed by TQ-TasticLet #1:

    Why shouldn't you tell funny stories to babies?

    Becuase they are a joking hazard!
  • A dwarf clairvoyant escaped from prison. The newspaper headline was “Small medium at large “
  • My tattooist offered to ink some rabbits into my scalp.

    Apparently, from a distance, they will look like hares.
  • Three men die on Christmas Eve.

    When they get to the pearly gates, St Peter tells them they must have something that reminds them of Christmas in order to enter.
    The first man lights his lighter and says it reminds him of Christmas candles. St Peter allows him to go through the gate.
    The second man pulls shakes his keys, and says they remind him of jingle bells. St. Peter also allows him to enter.
    The third man pulls out a G string and a bra. He says they are Carol's...
  • Which saint lost his underpants?
    St Nicholas. (Say it.)
  • Not sure about that, but there was a poor fellow at school called Nicholas who was awarded the nickname of Tin Bum.
  • A sweet little old lady called her neighbor.
    Would you like to please come over to help me put a jigsaw puzzle.
    Neighbor: what is the puzzle supposed to be?
    Lady: The box indicates a rooster, but I just cannot get it together.
    Neighbor comes over, looks at all the pieces on the table.
    He turns to the woman. Pats her hand, says: First, there's no way we will able to put all the pieces together to make a rooster. But, let's have a spot of tea. Then, I will help you put your corn flakes back into the box.
  • That's actually believable and sad.
  • DafydDafyd Hell Host
    edited December 2024
    There were nine ants looking to rent a place, but they couldn't find anywhere. Landlords would only rent to ten ants.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    I saw a sign in Tesco advertising Turkey for £29. That’s a really good price. It’s £300 cheaper than Thomas Cook
  • We shared jokes with a friend and our vicar over lunch today - amongst them were:
    Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.

    A rabbit, a priest and an imam went into a blood donation session. When asked if they knew what blood group they were, the rabbit said “I’m a type O”

    Noah had taken 2 of every animal into the ark and when it was time to leave, he told them all to go to multiply. However, the pair. of snakes told Noah, “ sorry, we can’t multiply, we’re adders” This went on for several weeks with the snakes refusing to multiply until Noah locked the snakes in the wood store, telling them that he wouldn’t let them out until they’d multiplied. He went to the wood store the next day to find it full of young snakes, and asked the parents, “Why have you decided to multiply now, what’s changed?”
    The snakes replied “We used logs”

  • This year the first day Hannukah and Christmas are on the same day. You have permission to greet your friends with Happy Hannukamas.

    Carry on.
  • Priscilla wrote: »
    Noah had taken 2 of every animal into the ark and when it was time to leave, he told them all to go to multiply. However, the pair. of snakes told Noah, “ sorry, we can’t multiply, we’re adders” This went on for several weeks with the snakes refusing to multiply until Noah locked the snakes in the wood store, telling them that he wouldn’t let them out until they’d multiplied. He went to the wood store the next day to find it full of young snakes, and asked the parents, “Why have you decided to multiply now, what’s changed?”
    The snakes replied “We used logs”

    Read this one aloud to math student son, who groaned. Mr. Q, who overheard the exchange said, "They used the rhythm method."
  • jrwjrw Shipmate
    The 'It's not christmas without' thread reminded me of something that someone who worked with Greg Lake is supposed to have said;

    There's toothache, there's headache and there's Greg Lake."
  • Hell for husbands: eternal craft fairs and no place to sit.
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    Hey @Gramps49 what you need is a hunting/shooting stick. Its a kind of walking stick that opens out to have a seat at the top that you prop yourself up on. The origins are Scots and they are used by people hunting while they are waiting for something to happen.
  • Huia wrote: »
    Hey @Gramps49 what you need is a hunting/shooting stick. Its a kind of walking stick that opens out to have a seat at the top that you prop yourself up on. The origins are Scots and they are used by people hunting while they are waiting for something to happen.

    Yes, I have seen them.
  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    Huia wrote: »
    Hey @Gramps49 what you need is a hunting/shooting stick. Its a kind of walking stick that opens out to have a seat at the top that you prop yourself up on. The origins are Scots and they are used by people hunting while they are waiting for something to happen.
    They have a spike on the end to stick in the earth.They only work out of doors, and preferably in places that are at least slightly muddy. Sticking a spike in the floor of some church or community hall is likely to get one thrown out – though that might makes such a stick a useful way of achieving that objective.



  • BroJamesBroJames Purgatory Host
    edited December 2024
    I believe you can get them with the option of a rubber ferrule instead of a spike.
  • RockyRogerRockyRoger Shipmate
    edited December 2024
    A visit to see grandchildren resulted in:
    Q: 'What do you call a truculent Indian side dish?'
    A: 'An argie bahgi '.
    There were others, but I'm full of good cheer......
  • BroJames wrote: »
    I believe you can get them with the option of a rubber ferrule instead of a spike.

    If a ferrule is a little round cap at the end, Cubby had one of those, and I may still have it. If I no longer have that actually it might behoove me to get one again… I need to start walking more once the foot is healed enough to do so.
  • On a dark, stormy night, a driver stops his empty bus to pick up an ashen-faced woman. She grunts what sounds like thank you and makes her way to the back of the vehicle. Unsettled by his odd, raven-haired passenger, the driver glances back at her in his mirror several times as he winds his way down a country road. Suddenly, there is a flash of lighting and when the driver looks in the mirror, the woman is gone. Shocked, he slams hard on the brake. He looks again. The woman has reappeared, but blood is trickling down her face. The terrified driver puts his foot down. Flash. More lightning and the woman disappears once more. The driver slams even harder on his brakes, stopping the bus with a jolt. He glances in the mirror. The woman is back in the seat. This time her face is covered in blood and she lets out a piercing scream. “Could you stop slamming your brakes on?” she wails. “I’m trying to tie my shoelaces!”
  • Apparently it's true that Trump was sent by God.

    It turns out He's run out of locusts.
  • (Winces) Yes, it's why my family refers to him as the Orange Plague.
  • Yes, the old ones are the best. Here's one from my schooldays (and clean!){
    A swarm of bees was flying along the M1 motorway. A little bee from the back flew up the line and whispered to the queen bee. 'No, she said, we can't stop. go back to your place.' They flew on, and then the little bee made its way to the front and whispered to the queen again. 'No, she said, you'll just have to wait like the rest. Control yourself.' They flew on, and then the little bee whispered again to the queen, even more urgently. 'All right,' she said. 'Look, we're just coming to a BP station.' (Say it aloud.)
  • Eirenist wrote: »
    Yes, the old ones are the best. Here's one from my schooldays (and clean!){
    A swarm of bees was flying along the M1 motorway. A little bee from the back flew up the line and whispered to the queen bee. 'No, she said, we can't stop. go back to your place.' They flew on, and then the little bee made its way to the front and whispered to the queen again. 'No, she said, you'll just have to wait like the rest. Control yourself.' They flew on, and then the little bee whispered again to the queen, even more urgently. 'All right,' she said. 'Look, we're just coming to a BP station.' (Say it aloud.)

    There was a wordless cartoon somewhere (Private Eye?) that just showed a BP petrol pump with a swarm of bees around it.
  • My wife gets very concerned when I am at the window during rainy days.
    It would help if she would let me in.
  • I don't like to boast but I have to tell you all that I have that much money, I don't need to work again this year.
  • Telford wrote: »
    I don't like to boast but I have to tell you all that I have that much money, I don't need to work again this year.

    Love it!
  • Merry Vole wrote: »
    Telford wrote: »
    I don't like to boast but I have to tell you all that I have that much money, I don't need to work again this year.

    Love it!

    I've gently informed Mrs RR that she will have to wait until next year before ... er ... well ... er ... you know what ....
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    What do you call a fly without any wings?




    A walk
  • TelfordTelford Shipmate
    My Wife just phoned me and the conversation went like this :-
    Her: "You know that Gladiator movie that I got you for Christmas..???
    Me: "Yeah."
    Her: "Wind it forward One Hour, 16 mins and 28 seconds."
    Me: "Right, I've done that"..
    Her: "Okay, you see the Gladiator at the front Fighting the Lion"..???
    Me: "I can see that, yeah."
    Her: "Just behind him, there are two Gladiators having a Sword Fight with each other"..??
    Me: Okay, I see them."
    Her: "Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the Screen, there's a Gladiator holding a Spear"..???
    Me: "Yes...! I can see him"..
    Her: Right..!
    "Those are the Sandals, I want for my Birthday".
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    Got a daily pun calendar for Christmas. First pun of the year:

    Which holiday does corn like?

    Happy new ears day.
  • Telford wrote: »
    My Wife just phoned me and the conversation went like this :-
    Her: "You know that Gladiator movie that I got you for Christmas..???
    Me: "Yeah."
    Her: "Wind it forward One Hour, 16 mins and 28 seconds."
    Me: "Right, I've done that"..
    Her: "Okay, you see the Gladiator at the front Fighting the Lion"..???
    Me: "I can see that, yeah."
    Her: "Just behind him, there are two Gladiators having a Sword Fight with each other"..??
    Me: Okay, I see them."
    Her: "Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the Screen, there's a Gladiator holding a Spear"..???
    Me: "Yes...! I can see him"..
    Her: Right..!
    "Those are the Sandals, I want for my Birthday".

    Oh Telford,
    this is priceless! We've all been there! Blessings to you in 2025!
  • The M62 goes into transport caff for a cuppa and a Full English.

    'I'm dead-hard, me,' he boasts. 'I've got 4 lanes and two hard-shoulders and I climb The Pennines.'

    Just then, the M1 muscles in through the door.
    'I'm rock-hard I am. I've got 6 lanes, two hard-shoulders and I run all the way from London to Leeds.

    As the two motorways flex their muscles in an attempt to impress one another and overawe everyone in the greasy-spoon, a thin, spindly red-edged strip of tarmac sidles through the door and wends its way to the counter.

    The M62 and M1 immediately leave their breakfasts uneaten and make for the backdoor. As they disappear into the drizzle the M1 turns and cries, 'You want to watch him! He's a Cycle-Path!'
  • EirenistEirenist Shipmate
    Summoned before the Hsavenly Throne to accouni for his wicked deeds, King Herod apologised for his actions but said he could not stop himself because he had a heroditory predisposition.
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