Something that probably only works on the left hand side of the Atlantic... An American friend had a poodle that he named Mandy. Yes - it was Yankee Poodle Mandy.
Terrible jokes? You ain't seen nuttin' yet!
'If your cow seems moody, it may be because she is feeling low.'
(MOOdy = LOW: get it?) I'll find my own wa
Bob, a 65-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, strolls into the Country Club with a stunning 25-year-old blonde by his side. Her beauty and charm leave everyone in the room speechless. She clings to Bob’s arm, hanging on his every word as if he’s the most fascinating man in the world.
His buddies at the club are in shock. They pull him aside and ask, "Bob, how'd you land a girlfriend like that?"
Bob grins and says, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
His friends are floored but can’t resist asking, "How on earth did you convince her to marry you?"
Bob leans in with a sly smile and says, "I lied about my age."
They nod knowingly. "Ah, you told her you were 50?"
Bob chuckles and replies, "Nope, I told her I was 90."
Bob, a 65-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, strolls into the Country Club with a stunning 25-year-old blonde by his side. Her beauty and charm leave everyone in the room speechless. She clings to Bob’s arm, hanging on his every word as if he’s the most fascinating man in the world.
His buddies at the club are in shock. They pull him aside and ask, "Bob, how'd you land a girlfriend like that?"
Bob grins and says, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
His friends are floored but can’t resist asking, "How on earth did you convince her to marry you?"
Bob leans in with a sly smile and says, "I lied about my age."
They nod knowingly. "Ah, you told her you were 50?"
Bob chuckles and replies, "Nope, I told her I was 90."
Nice one Bob.
I was at the bus stop the other day when Bob pulled up in his car. "Do you want a lift?" he said. "No thanks Bob". I replied, "I might miss the bus"
From the Edinburgh Fringe: Comedian Mark Simmons was voted the winner with his gag: "I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it.”
This really is bad!
It was Dad's day off, but something happened at work that made the boss call Dad at his home
After a few rings, a small voice answered: "Hello?"
Boss: "Hello. Is your daddy home?"
"Yes," the voice whispered.
"May I speak to him?"
"No" said the tiny voice
The boss was getting concerned.
"Is your mother home?" the boss asked.
"Yes," whispered the voice.
"May I speak to her?"
"No," whispered the voice.
Concerned something may be wrong, the boss asked: "Is there anyone else there?"
"There is a policeman."
Now the boss was very concerned. "May I speak to the policeman?"
"No." whispered the voice. "He is speaking to Mommy and Daddy."
The boss started to hear what sounded like a helicopter.
He asked, "What's that I hear?"
"It's a helicopter," whispered the voice. "The search and rescue team has just arrived."
Alarmed, the boss asked, "Who are they searching for?"
The voice whispered, "Me."
It was Dad's day off, but something happened at work that made the boss call Dad at his home
After a few rings, a small voice answered: "Hello?"
Boss: "Hello. Is your daddy home?"
"Yes," the voice whispered.
"May I speak to him?"
"No" said the tiny voice
The boss was getting concerned.
"Is your mother home?" the boss asked.
"Yes," whispered the voice.
"May I speak to her?"
"No," whispered the voice.
Concerned something may be wrong, the boss asked: "Is there anyone else there?"
"There is a policeman."
Now the boss was very concerned. "May I speak to the policeman?"
"No." whispered the voice. "He is speaking to Mommy and Daddy."
The boss started to hear what sounded like a helicopter.
He asked, "What's that I hear?"
"It's a helicopter," whispered the voice. "The search and rescue team has just arrived."
Alarmed, the boss asked, "Who are they searching for?"
The voice whispered, "Me."
I do not understand Telford's joke. Is this a pond thing?
'Gottle of geer' was a famous* example of inexpert ventriloquism.
*as in a standard joke on radio comedy of the 1950s
Thanks.
Bear in mind this is a country that had a ventriloquist who had a radio show.
Let that sink in. It's like being a cycle manufacturer for goldfish.
The show, Educating Archie, eventually made it to the telly where, as Wikipedia delicately puts it, "The TV appearances exposed his limitations as a ventriloquist". To be fair to him, he can't have been that bad really because he did start with live shows before the radio work.
I do not understand Telford's joke. Is this a pond thing?
'Gottle of geer' was a famous* example of inexpert ventriloquism.
*as in a standard joke on radio comedy of the 1950s
Thanks.
Bear in mind this is a country that had a ventriloquist who had a radio show.
Let that sink in. It's like being a cycle manufacturer for goldfish.
The show, Educating Archie, eventually made it to the telly where, as Wikipedia delicately puts it, "The TV appearances exposed his limitations as a ventriloquist". To be fair to him, he can't have been that bad really because he did start with live shows before the radio work.
But I digress.
It's still common for men named Andrews to be called Archie by their chums
I do not understand Telford's joke. Is this a pond thing?
'Gottle of geer' was a famous* example of inexpert ventriloquism.
*as in a standard joke on radio comedy of the 1950s
Thanks.
Bear in mind this is a country that had a ventriloquist who had a radio show.
Let that sink in. It's like being a cycle manufacturer for goldfish.
The show, Educating Archie, eventually made it to the telly where, as Wikipedia delicately puts it, "The TV appearances exposed his limitations as a ventriloquist". To be fair to him, he can't have been that bad really because he did start with live shows before the radio work.
But I digress.
He once asked the actress Irene Handl “can you see my lips moving?” and she replied “only when the puppet is talking”
Two Canadians died and got a room in hell.
Satan decided to visit them.
When he walked in, he was surprised to see the Canadians talking amiably.
Satan asked them why.
They answered they liked it hot and toasty.
Satan became very angry. He decided to turn up the furnaces even hotter.
Even though many people had begged Satan to turn the heat back, Satan found the Canadians enjoying a Barbeque in their room.
This really angered Satan, but Satan thought, maybe he was handling the situation the wrong way.
He decided to kill the furnaces and make hell the coldest place on earth.
Satan went back to the Canadian's room, but he found them jumping up and down laughing.
Satan yelled, "What is with you Canadians?"
The Canadians told Satan, "Well, with hell freezing over, it must mean the Leafs* won!!"
Satan yelled, "What is with you Canadians?"
The Canadians told Satan, "Well, with hell freezing over, it must mean the Leafs* won!!"
*Maple Leafs, a Canadian hockey team.
Nice ....
I must adapt the joke to tell my favourite pastor, who is a benighted football fan. The couple would now be evangelical football fans. The team would be Crystal Palace (or Brighton)
Two Canadians died and got a room in hell.
Satan decided to visit them.
When he walked in, he was surprised to see the Canadians talking amiably.
Satan asked them why.
They answered they liked it hot and toasty.
Satan became very angry. He decided to turn up the furnaces even hotter.
Even though many people had begged Satan to turn the heat back, Satan found the Canadians enjoying a Barbeque in their room.
This really angered Satan, but Satan thought, maybe he was handling the situation the wrong way.
He decided to kill the furnaces and make hell the coldest place on earth.
Satan went back to the Canadian's room, but he found them jumping up and down laughing.
Satan yelled, "What is with you Canadians?"
The Canadians told Satan, "Well, with hell freezing over, it must mean the Leafs* won!!"
*Maple Leafs, a Canadian hockey team.
Very nice, and a surprise to this Canadian whose father could recite The Cremation of Sam McGee from memory. I was expecting a Sam McGee-type punchline!
[/quote]
Nice ....
I must adapt the joke to tell my favourite pastor, who is a benighted football fan. The couple would now be evangelical football fans. The team would be Crystal Palace (or Brighton)[/quote]
Is this the same Brighton who are now at no. 3 in the Premier League?
I started my new job as a Bingo Caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers out,I broke wind very loudly.
My Boss immediately came over and whispered in my Ear,"Please don't do that again".
"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."
"Fair Enough", he replied, but there was no need to hold the Microphone to your backside".
I started my new job as a Bingo Caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers out,I broke wind very loudly.
My Boss immediately came over and whispered in my Ear,"Please don't do that again".
"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."
"Fair Enough", he replied, but there was no need to hold the Microphone to your backside".
Well really!
Reminds me of the old joke about a group of two repectable couples at dinner at a dinner. 'How dare you sir, you've just farted in front of my wife'. 'I'm sorry, I didn't know it was her turn!'
When I see the title of the discussion thread: "Tolkien's Works", I always think, "Mrs Tolkien must be happy".
In a well-known London record shop more than fifty years ago: in the classical area was a section labelled, 'Bach's organ Works'. Some wag had written underneath, 'So does mine'.
Appropos of which ....
Mrs RR had reason recently to phone her doctor, "a bit of an emergency," she explained, "our grandaughter's swallowed my husband's viagra pill". The doctor gave good advice. Mrs RR phoned back later, "It's all right", she said, "we found another one".
Comments
Clever ... only works for ring doughnuts, of course!
https://www.toolstation.com/ronseal-one-coat-fence-life-5l/p22720?store=IA&utm_source=googleshopping&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=googleshoppingfeed&mkwid=_dc&pcrid=null&pkw=null&pmt=null&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw-5y1BhC-ARIsAAM_oKn9ClKytVYPp7snmqbyCfzpk6bqrNxRRYzx4VMah0TMZ_M74vVhH7oaAgV3EALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds (flip me that's a long link!)
That is not bad, it's terrible! As for Ron Seal, aounds like he could be in for a shedload of medals!
It disappeared.
I took it for granite.
😂
Now I have Heinzsight.
'If your cow seems moody, it may be because she is feeling low.'
(MOOdy = LOW: get it?) I'll find my own wa
It was a feta accompli.
His buddies at the club are in shock. They pull him aside and ask, "Bob, how'd you land a girlfriend like that?"
Bob grins and says, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
His friends are floored but can’t resist asking, "How on earth did you convince her to marry you?"
Bob leans in with a sly smile and says, "I lied about my age."
They nod knowingly. "Ah, you told her you were 50?"
Bob chuckles and replies, "Nope, I told her I was 90."
Nice one Bob.
I was at the bus stop the other day when Bob pulled up in his car. "Do you want a lift?" he said. "No thanks Bob". I replied, "I might miss the bus"
This really is bad!
couple of hours a week.
It's really good for me but the Bus driver is furious.....
It's a little known fact that Richard Gere’s dad, Gottler, was a famous Swedish ventriloquist......
After a few rings, a small voice answered: "Hello?"
Boss: "Hello. Is your daddy home?"
"Yes," the voice whispered.
"May I speak to him?"
"No" said the tiny voice
The boss was getting concerned.
"Is your mother home?" the boss asked.
"Yes," whispered the voice.
"May I speak to her?"
"No," whispered the voice.
Concerned something may be wrong, the boss asked: "Is there anyone else there?"
"There is a policeman."
Now the boss was very concerned. "May I speak to the policeman?"
"No." whispered the voice. "He is speaking to Mommy and Daddy."
The boss started to hear what sounded like a helicopter.
He asked, "What's that I hear?"
"It's a helicopter," whispered the voice. "The search and rescue team has just arrived."
Alarmed, the boss asked, "Who are they searching for?"
The voice whispered, "Me."
'Gottle of geer' was a famous* example of inexpert ventriloquism.
*as in a standard joke on radio comedy of the 1950s
Bear in mind this is a country that had a ventriloquist who had a radio show.
Let that sink in. It's like being a cycle manufacturer for goldfish.
The show, Educating Archie, eventually made it to the telly where, as Wikipedia delicately puts it, "The TV appearances exposed his limitations as a ventriloquist". To be fair to him, he can't have been that bad really because he did start with live shows before the radio work.
But I digress.
It's still common for men named Andrews to be called Archie by their chums
He couldn’t fjord a new one.
Satan decided to visit them.
When he walked in, he was surprised to see the Canadians talking amiably.
Satan asked them why.
They answered they liked it hot and toasty.
Satan became very angry. He decided to turn up the furnaces even hotter.
Even though many people had begged Satan to turn the heat back, Satan found the Canadians enjoying a Barbeque in their room.
This really angered Satan, but Satan thought, maybe he was handling the situation the wrong way.
He decided to kill the furnaces and make hell the coldest place on earth.
Satan went back to the Canadian's room, but he found them jumping up and down laughing.
Satan yelled, "What is with you Canadians?"
The Canadians told Satan, "Well, with hell freezing over, it must mean the Leafs* won!!"
*Maple Leafs, a Canadian hockey team.
I must adapt the joke to tell my favourite pastor, who is a benighted football fan. The couple would now be evangelical football fans. The team would be Crystal Palace (or Brighton)
Very nice, and a surprise to this Canadian whose father could recite The Cremation of Sam McGee from memory. I was expecting a Sam McGee-type punchline!
I do them because I thought they would be easy.
Nice ....
I must adapt the joke to tell my favourite pastor, who is a benighted football fan. The couple would now be evangelical football fans. The team would be Crystal Palace (or Brighton)[/quote]
Is this the same Brighton who are now at no. 3 in the Premier League?
My Boss immediately came over and whispered in my Ear,"Please don't do that again".
"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."
"Fair Enough", he replied, but there was no need to hold the Microphone to your backside".
Well really!
Reminds me of the old joke about a group of two repectable couples at dinner at a dinner. 'How dare you sir, you've just farted in front of my wife'. 'I'm sorry, I didn't know it was her turn!'
Sorry ....
Is this the same Brighton who are now at no. 3 in the Premier League?
No, that's not the Brighton I know .... give 'em time and they'll be back where they (and us) are happier.
In a well-known London record shop more than fifty years ago: in the classical area was a section labelled, 'Bach's organ Works'. Some wag had written underneath, 'So does mine'.
Appropos of which ....
Mrs RR had reason recently to phone her doctor, "a bit of an emergency," she explained, "our grandaughter's swallowed my husband's viagra pill". The doctor gave good advice. Mrs RR phoned back later, "It's all right", she said, "we found another one".
Sorry (again!) .....
https://flic.kr/p/aNumGe
(The row of houses used to be an organ factory, hence the name)
It was very sad and embarrassing.
At the casket, they put his right foot in....
My eight-year-old granddaughter talked back to her grandmother.
I had to ask her how she did that.