Little context for this one. Three blocks of our downtown are completely closed down for renovations. Traffic has been rerouted. One of the local store front churches posted this on their marque.
I've a whimsical friend who says he wants the following pets:
A toad he will call 'Pigeon'
An impala called 'Vlad'
A muskrat called 'Elon'
A Llama called 'Dalai'.
A newly commissioned colonel arrived at his new assignment. As he drove along the entrance to the base, he noticed a private standing guard at a park bench.
The colonel was intrigued.
He went up to the private and asked, "Why are you guarding this bench?"
The private said "It's just my turn."
"Who ordered you to do it?"
"The sergeant ordered us to do it, sir."
The colonel went to the platoon sergeant, "Why did you order that private to guard the park bench?"
The sergeant said, "Captain's orders, sir."
The colonel then went to company HQ and spoke to the captain. "Why did you order someone to guard that park bench?"
The captain said, "Sir, your predecessor sat on the bench, and ordered no one to sit on it. That was six years ago."
The colonel decided to go to the retirement center where the Brigadier General retired.
He went up to the crusty old general, and asked "Sir, why did you order no one to sit on that bench six years ago?"
The general looked up and asked, "Do you mean the paint still has not dried?"
Another pun to lighten the mood of general gloom a bit:
The story is told that C.S. Lewis was at a formal banquet given at the Portugese embassy. There were many courses, exotic and varied. During the repast, Lewis's neighbour turned to him and said, "I don't know about you, but feel like a culinary Christopher Columbus!" Quick as a flash, Lewis replied, "Don't you mean a Vascular diGama?"
Nice.
Another pun to lighten the mood of general gloom a bit:
The story is told that C.S. Lewis was at a formal banquet given at the Portugese embassy. There were many courses, exotic and varied. During the repast, Lewis's neighbour turned to him and said, "I don't know about you, but feel like a culinary Christopher Columbus!" Quick as a flash, Lewis replied, "Don't you mean a Vascular diGama?"
Nice.
You'll have to explain that one. A quick google gives me a genus of moths and an alternative spelling for the archaic Greek letter Digamma.
Possibly not that famous as I hadn't heard of him.
Back to bad jokes, and shamelessly Not My Own Work, but apparently we've established why Bishops move diagonally in chess. Like their real life counterparts, it's to avoid meeting any issue head on.
Just because you hadn't heard if him doesn't mean he's not that famous ... 😉
I'm a Lusophile, although I've only been there twice. Other than Ferdinand Magellan, Vasco da Gama and Henry The Navigator, I'd be hard pressed to name any other famous Portuguese.
Is it a power vested solely in @KarlLB or can you or I unfamous a famous person by not having heard of them?
Ah well, as the man said Oblivion is not to be hired. The greater part must be content to be as though they had not been, to be found in the register of God, not in the record of man.
Is it a power vested solely in @KarlLB or can you or I unfamous a famous person by not having heard of them?
Ah well, as the man said Oblivion is not to be hired. The greater part must be content to be as though they had not been, to be found in the register of God, not in the record of man.
Fame is a scale. I didn't say he wasn't famous, just not so famous that I had heard of him, which is demonstrated by the fact I hadn't.
Vasco da Gama was evidently 'legendary' rather than 'iconic'. I am 86, and was taught about him at prep school. He was the first European sailor to find the route round Africa to India, and is the reason why Goa was a Portuguese colony until comparatively recently. Also, incidentally, the reason why in Kipling's short stories, young 'Eurasian' ladies have Portuguese surnames.
I mention these things purely in the interest of spreading enlightenment.
Vasco de Gama was part of our high school history lesson on explorers as well, but it still took me a while to get the joke. Funny when I did.
I have to confess that even knowing who he was, and understanding the wordplay with culinary and Columbus and Vasco and Vascular, it just doesn't seem funny to me. So in that sense I still don't get it.
VdeG was Portuguese, CC not, and presumably the meal was a long and heavy one that might place a strain on the cardiovascular system. So it was both a more fitting explorer and a pun on the heaviness of such a large and rich meal.
That should have killed off any remaining potential for humour…
This joke has obvioudly been cleaned up for FB. The version I'm familiar with wasn't about a king, but an intimate part of a husband's body.
Sorry .....
When I was 5, a bear told me only I could prevent forest fires.
I never figured out why I was chosen.
That one may not be portable - I think it only works in the USA.
But there's also the old one about a young child who was asked why she had named her bear Gladly. "We sang about him in church: Gladly my cross-eyed bear".
When I was 5, a bear told me only I could prevent forest fires.
I never figured out why I was chosen.
That one may not be portable - I think it only works in the USA.
But there's also the old one about a young child who was asked why she had named her bear Gladly. "We sang about him in church: Gladly my cross-eyed bear".
Many years ago a neighboring church's youth group was thinking of a theme for the year. The kids knew the song from Sunday School, so they took it as their theme. They made buttons of Gladly the Cross Eyed Bear.
A preacher decided to go out hunting after church one Sunday, instead of observing the Sabbath properly. He was wandering through the woods when he met a big bear. As the bear charged at him, he aimed his gun and it just went "click" instead of firing. So he dropped it and climbed the nearest tree.
The bear looked up at him and started to feel the tree with those great big paws. All he could do was pray:
"Lord, I know I have sinned and I repent. Lord, please, make that bear a Christian."
The bear stopped. It sank down on it's knees, and put those big hairy paws together.
(best said in a low gravelly voice)
"Lord, for that which we are about to receive..."
In the spirit of Wimbledon fortnight I bought a punnet of strawberries and looked to the internet for the best way to serve them.
It suggested that I halve the strawberries, dust with icing sugar, and pile cream on top.
A word to the wise - pile cream tastes disgusting.
Comments
Want a construction joke?
I am working on it.
Disturbed Sleep by I P Nightly
Abnormal Pathology of the Bladder and Urethra by I P Blood
A toad he will call 'Pigeon'
An impala called 'Vlad'
A muskrat called 'Elon'
A Llama called 'Dalai'.
The colonel was intrigued.
He went up to the private and asked, "Why are you guarding this bench?"
The private said "It's just my turn."
"Who ordered you to do it?"
"The sergeant ordered us to do it, sir."
The colonel went to the platoon sergeant, "Why did you order that private to guard the park bench?"
The sergeant said, "Captain's orders, sir."
The colonel then went to company HQ and spoke to the captain. "Why did you order someone to guard that park bench?"
The captain said, "Sir, your predecessor sat on the bench, and ordered no one to sit on it. That was six years ago."
The colonel decided to go to the retirement center where the Brigadier General retired.
He went up to the crusty old general, and asked "Sir, why did you order no one to sit on that bench six years ago?"
The general looked up and asked, "Do you mean the paint still has not dried?"
The story is told that C.S. Lewis was at a formal banquet given at the Portugese embassy. There were many courses, exotic and varied. During the repast, Lewis's neighbour turned to him and said, "I don't know about you, but feel like a culinary Christopher Columbus!" Quick as a flash, Lewis replied, "Don't you mean a Vascular diGama?"
Nice.
You'll have to explain that one. A quick google gives me a genus of moths and an alternative spelling for the archaic Greek letter Digamma.
Possibly not that famous as I hadn't heard of him.
Back to bad jokes, and shamelessly Not My Own Work, but apparently we've established why Bishops move diagonally in chess. Like their real life counterparts, it's to avoid meeting any issue head on.
I'm a Lusophile, although I've only been there twice. Other than Ferdinand Magellan, Vasco da Gama and Henry The Navigator, I'd be hard pressed to name any other famous Portuguese.
Isn't there a footballer?
Ren' ... Ren' ... Ren-Something-Or-Other ...
Ah well, as the man said Oblivion is not to be hired. The greater part must be content to be as though they had not been, to be found in the register of God, not in the record of man.
Fame is a scale. I didn't say he wasn't famous, just not so famous that I had heard of him, which is demonstrated by the fact I hadn't.
Someday some old geezer is going to tell their smartphone AI program that they want some friend to pass the breeze.
But then the AI will take it literally and send a fart through the phone..
“Goddamn it, you machine,” will say the old geezer, “That’s not what I wanted. I wanted someone to shoot the shit with.”
The AI will oblige.
He wasn’t happy.
I mention these things purely in the interest of spreading enlightenment.
When I see the Euro2024 cup logo image thing I think of Tutankhamun (!)
Tooting Common? Do they play football there?
I have to confess that even knowing who he was, and understanding the wordplay with culinary and Columbus and Vasco and Vascular, it just doesn't seem funny to me. So in that sense I still don't get it.
That should have killed off any remaining potential for humour…
Strain on cardiovascular system? I associate that with exertion, not eating. But I'm weird. Really realising how weird at the moment.
Why does a hamburger have less energy than a steak?
Because it's in the ground state!
I’m another, and I’m glad you pushed for the last drop off explanation, as I needed it.
From f/b:
Once upon a time there was a king who was only 12 inches tall.
He was a terrible king but he was a great ruler
OUTSTANDING
Sorry .....
I never figured out why I was chosen.
That one may not be portable - I think it only works in the USA.
But there's also the old one about a young child who was asked why she had named her bear Gladly. "We sang about him in church: Gladly my cross-eyed bear".
I'm afaid this will need explaining to this Englander!
But I do like Gladly the cross-eyed bear. It's one with, 'I will make you vicious old men'.
Many years ago a neighboring church's youth group was thinking of a theme for the year. The kids knew the song from Sunday School, so they took it as their theme. They made buttons of Gladly the Cross Eyed Bear.
It used to be “ the Yellow River by IP daily” and “ the Rusty Mattress Spring by IP nightly” ( back in the 60s doubtless before your time)
What do you call a noodle in the spaghetti?
An impasta
I recall those variations too. And the somewhat risqué Sticky Bedsheets by Mr Completely...
I'll get my coat.
I hope to become a bouillionaire.
That is good!
The bear looked up at him and started to feel the tree with those great big paws. All he could do was pray:
"Lord, I know I have sinned and I repent. Lord, please, make that bear a Christian."
The bear stopped. It sank down on it's knees, and put those big hairy paws together.
(best said in a low gravelly voice)
"Lord, for that which we are about to receive..."
It suggested that I halve the strawberries, dust with icing sugar, and pile cream on top.
A word to the wise - pile cream tastes disgusting.
June is
procrastination awareness
month.
my procrastination,
I have one thing to say:
You just wait!
Glad you caught it.