I was interviewed at the police station on Friday. To every question I simply answered
"No comment"
Well I've just been informed that I haven't got the job.
I don't think the A in ass is ever long. I grew up in the South (I repented) with Glahss and Cahstle and Grahss but the animal was an ass.
A previous choir director at my TEC shack wanted the choir to sing about the ox and the ass with a long A, because she thought "ass" sounded rude. We had to explain to her that singing about the ox and the arse was not an improvement.
This appears to be a true story, but I could not think of a place to put it.
ay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
Hostly lightsaber lit @Gramps49, please don't post whole unattributed stories here. A teaser sentence or two plus a link will suffice! jedijudy-Heaven Host
Lightsaber powered down.
This appears to be a true story, but I could not think of a place to put it.
ay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter, snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight).
They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte !!
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'. And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment..... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
If you laughed at this pass it on. Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart, then you are just a sour old fart or tart.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of Buffalo, New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 120 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. And the rest of the joke.
Hostly note
And again, @Gramps49! We enjoy the jokes, but please post links to the original stories and attributions where known! jj-Heaven Host
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again," she replied. So on the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear--everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk-shake. Then it was off to the cinema - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola, and ice-cream. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being eight again?"
One eye opened. The wife said, "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
Hosting @RockyRoger, as I mentioned upstream to @Gramps49, please put a link to the joke with a teaser line rather than copy the whole thing here without attribution!
Thank you! jedijudy-Heaven Host
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
Two emminent retired bishops were bemoaning the state of the country's morals, especially with respect to sex and marriage. "I didn't have sex with my wife before we got married," said one, "Did you?" The other bishop thought .... , "I don't think so," he said, "What was her maiden name?"
Two emminent retired bishops were bemoaning the state of the country's morals, especially with respect to sex and marriage. "I didn't have sex with my wife before we got married," said one, "Did you?" The other bishop thought .... , "I don't think so," he said, "What was her maiden name?"
One of the few "bad jokes" here that has made me "literally LOL."
I think my house is haunted
by the ghost of a chicken.
A poultrygist.
A spirit most fowl;
I am going to hire
A eggcercist
To help it get
to the other side.
I recently called an old engineering friend of mine and asked what he was doing lately. He replied he was "working on thermal aqua treatment of ceramic, aluminum and steel materials under a constrained environment."
I was impressed until I found out he was doing the dishes under the supervision of his wife.
Comments
Oh, wait ..
Agreed!
A hot cross bunny!
"No comment"
Well I've just been informed that I haven't got the job.
Ta ra Ma, sa la, ta!
Wanted. Schrodinger's Cat. Dead and alive.
A previous choir director at my TEC shack wanted the choir to sing about the ox and the ass with a long A, because she thought "ass" sounded rude. We had to explain to her that singing about the ox and the arse was not an improvement.
ay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
See link for the rest of the story.
Hostly lightsaber lit
@Gramps49, please don't post whole unattributed stories here. A teaser sentence or two plus a link will suffice!
jedijudy-Heaven Host
Lightsaber powered down.
Good funny story
And the rest of the joke.
Hostly note
And again, @Gramps49! We enjoy the jokes, but please post links to the original stories and attributions where known!
jj-Heaven Host
You planet!
Newt-on
Fission chips
I love a good pun
Wife: 29 years.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk-shake. Then it was off to the cinema - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola, and ice-cream. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being eight again?"
One eye opened. The wife said, "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
@RockyRoger, as I mentioned upstream to @Gramps49, please put a link to the joke with a teaser line rather than copy the whole thing here without attribution!
Thank you!
jedijudy-Heaven Host
You can’t run though a campsite, you can only ran through, because it will be past tents….
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
That is very, very bad!
Hahaha!
One of the few "bad jokes" here that has made me "literally LOL."
Me: My shirt fell.
Wife: It sounded louder than that.
Me: I was in it.
He had a nitrogen fixation.
I will get over it one way or the other.
by the ghost of a chicken.
A poultrygist.
A spirit most fowl;
I am going to hire
A eggcercist
To help it get
to the other side.
I like it. Except it should have been the Viking that got beaten up.
I like it. Except it should have been the Viking that got beaten up.
Swede car online.
Nice one! Did you make that one?
Please don't encourage him .... !
One of them has a bugle and the other one is annoyed that his bugle has been stolen.
I've actually got a Skoda Yeti
I was impressed until I found out he was doing the dishes under the supervision of his wife.