I recently called an old engineering friend of mine and asked what he was doing lately. He replied he was "working on thermal aqua treatment of ceramic, aluminum and steel materials under a constrained environment."
I was impressed until I found out he was doing the dishes under the supervision of his wife.
This one I shall remember and ... ahem ... repeat, with variations, as my own.
Black Female looking for male companionship. Ethnicity not important. I am a very good looking girl who loves to PLAY. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, on long winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out your hand. When you get home from work, I will greet you in my natural beauty. Interested? Call (404) 555=1212. Ask for Daisy.
Of the 1500 men who responded, they found themselves talking to the Atlanta, Georgia Humane Society about an 8-week-old labrador retriever.
Black Female looking for male companionship. Ethnicity not important. I am a very good looking girl who loves to PLAY. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, on long winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out your hand. When you get home from work, I will greet you in my natural beauty. Interested? Call (404) 555=1212. Ask for Daisy.
Of the 1500 men who responded, they found themselves talking to the Atlanta, Georgia Humane Society about an 8-week-old labrador retriever.
For some reason, I saw that coming . And it was very clever.
Black Female looking for male companionship. Ethnicity not important. I am a very good looking girl who loves to PLAY. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, on long winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out your hand. When you get home from work, I will greet you in my natural beauty. Interested? Call (404) 555=1212. Ask for Daisy.
Of the 1500 men who responded, they found themselves talking to the Atlanta, Georgia Humane Society about an 8-week-old labrador retriever.
For some reason, I saw that coming . And it was very clever.
Mrs RR and I are avid supporters of Cats Protection. We wondered if an analogous 'come on' advert for our many delightful and appreciative pussies of all ages that need rehoming would be as effective. Then again, perhaps it's best not to go there!
89 year old Ron Chester was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife.
There was an article on the BBC website today about the difficulties of 'wild swimming' these days because of the widespread pollution from untreated sewage. It's not so much swimming as just going through the motions.
Supposed to be a true story about legendary football manager Brian Clough and legendary centre half Larry Lloyd.
In order to persuade Larry to sign for the then mid table 2nd division club he offered him a new washing machine. With the new machine duly plumbed in he signed and turned up at the Nottingham Forest training ground. There he was accosted by one of the laundry staff. “Are you Larry Lloyd? You’ve just cost us our washing machine. The manager sent two blokes down to take it round to your house.”
'Prisoner at the bar,' intoned the judge, 'is thre anything you wish to say before sentence is passed on you?'
The man in the dock sighed, looked towards the court ceiling and said: 'Beam me up, Scotty.'
He got his silent chuckle fom those present, plus an extra six weeks on his sentence for impertinence.
Not so much a bad joke as a case of misplaced humour.
This was recounted to me by a police officer who said he was there.
'Prisoner at the bar,' intoned the judge, 'is thre anything you wish to say before sentence is passed on you?'
The man in the dock sighed, looked towards the court ceiling and said: 'Beam me up, Scotty.'
He got his silent chuckle fom those present, plus an extra six weeks on his sentence for impertinence.
Not so much a bad joke as a case of misplaced humour.
This was recounted to me by a police officer who said he was there.
This is ancient and something of an urban myth. I've heard it in different parts of the country from the 1970s onwards.
I'm sure it may well have happened somewhere though.
One day my favourite judge sentenced an offender to 3 years. The offender sniggered and said, " I could do 3 years on my head". The judge replied, " Try 5 years on your feet then. It was not for nothing he was known as the Domino judge.
Yes. It got reduced to 3 on appeal.
"Prisoner at the bar" (said the judge) "have you anything to say before sentence is passed upon you?"
"Bugger all" muttered the defendant.
"What did he say?" asked the hard-of-hearing judge.
" 'Bugger all', my Lord" replied the Clerk.
"That's funny, I could have sworn he said something..."
It was on a dreary, depressing, and desolate day in May that I perused the works of Edgar Allan Poe with an indefinable and unsufferable sense of melancholy - unsufferable I say for all sense of story or narrative was buried as far down as in a dismal grave in which an unfortunate wretch might be interred horribly alive by an innumerable and illimitable host of overwrought adjectives.
It was on a dreary, depressing, and desolate day in May that I perused the works of Edgar Allan Poe with an indefinable and unsufferable sense of melancholy - unsufferable I say for all sense of story or narrative was buried as far down as in a dismal grave in which an unfortunate wretch might be interred horribly alive by an innumerable and illimitable host of overwrought adjectives.
Maybe. Still found most of it considerably more readable than most stuff I try.
Q: Why was the Amish girl excommunicated?
A: Too Mennonite.
My uncle was fired from the Department of Transportation for stealing. I didn't believe it at first, but when I saw him back at his house all the signs were there.
It was on a dreary, depressing, and desolate day in May that I perused the works of Edgar Allan Poe with an indefinable and unsufferable sense of melancholy - unsufferable I say for all sense of story or narrative was buried as far down as in a dismal grave in which an unfortunate wretch might be interred horribly alive by an innumerable and illimitable host of overwrought adjectives.
Maybe. Still found most of it considerably more readable than most stuff I try.
I'm not sure what to recommend instead. P G Wodehouse?
It's not for nothing, though, that Cockney rhymning slang for the pot that people used to keep underneath the bed was an 'Edgar Allen'.
I can certainly appreciate his significance in the development of the detective novel and the thriller / horror genres but both his prose and poetry leave me cold.
"Prisoner at the bar" (said the judge) "have you anything to say before sentence is passed upon you?"
"Bugger all" muttered the defendant.
"What did he say?" asked the hard-of-hearing judge.
" 'Bugger all', my Lord" replied the Clerk.
"That's funny, I could have sworn he said something..."
Wasn't that a Rumpole story? I seem to remember reading that John Mortimer said it was true.
For thosemfollowing the UK election campaign:
Is a rip-off degree a qualification for porn strars?
(Apologies to those who find this offensive - but you asked for Bad Jokes.)
"Prisoner at the bar" (said the judge) "have you anything to say before sentence is passed upon you?"
"Bugger all" muttered the defendant.
"What did he say?" asked the hard-of-hearing judge.
" 'Bugger all', my Lord" replied the Clerk.
"That's funny, I could have sworn he said something..."
Wasn't that a Rumpole story? I seem to remember reading that John Mortimer said it was true.
Help
Need money.
Not homeless
Bank of Mum and Dad running out of reserves.
Wife keeps sponsoring everyone and anyone to run or whatever for a good cause. And sends Moonpig Birthday Cards to everyone.
Did you hear about the Indian Restaurant chef who was practising meditation at work?
He fell into a korma.
Did you hear about the man who overdosed on curry powder? He was taken to hospital in a korma.
He was OK. His naan visited him every day. There was a bit of argy-bhaji with the discharge team at the end though. They wanted him to have a special pilau for his bed.
He needed a lot of help with his diet. The dietician made him pakora-l supplements into his bag. It was the consultant who proved to be the keema-n in the end.
Comments
This one I shall remember and ... ahem ... repeat, with variations, as my own.
For some reason, I saw that coming
Nice!!
No. However, if 1500 men responded to the ad, you can bet someone adopted her.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife.
Because he was told to eat a balanced diet
In order to persuade Larry to sign for the then mid table 2nd division club he offered him a new washing machine. With the new machine duly plumbed in he signed and turned up at the Nottingham Forest training ground. There he was accosted by one of the laundry staff. “Are you Larry Lloyd? You’ve just cost us our washing machine. The manager sent two blokes down to take it round to your house.”
The man in the dock sighed, looked towards the court ceiling and said: 'Beam me up, Scotty.'
He got his silent chuckle fom those present, plus an extra six weeks on his sentence for impertinence.
Not so much a bad joke as a case of misplaced humour.
This was recounted to me by a police officer who said he was there.
The steaks were high.
This is ancient and something of an urban myth. I've heard it in different parts of the country from the 1970s onwards.
I'm sure it may well have happened somewhere though.
Yes. It got reduced to 3 on appeal.
And the Trent.
She didn't find it as funny as I did. Ah well, I tried.
You’re lucky she didn’t just take it and put it through the wash.
Harsh.
"Prisoner at the bar" (said the judge) "have you anything to say before sentence is passed upon you?"
"Bugger all" muttered the defendant.
"What did he say?" asked the hard-of-hearing judge.
" 'Bugger all', my Lord" replied the Clerk.
"That's funny, I could have sworn he said something..."
Maybe. Still found most of it considerably more readable than most stuff I try.
How does Moses make a cup of tea?
He brews it.
My brain must be too highly trained - I didn't get it.
A: Too Mennonite.
My uncle was fired from the Department of Transportation for stealing. I didn't believe it at first, but when I saw him back at his house all the signs were there.
I'm not sure what to recommend instead. P G Wodehouse?
It's not for nothing, though, that Cockney rhymning slang for the pot that people used to keep underneath the bed was an 'Edgar Allen'.
I can certainly appreciate his significance in the development of the detective novel and the thriller / horror genres but both his prose and poetry leave me cold.
Wasn't that a Rumpole story? I seem to remember reading that John Mortimer said it was true.
By boiling the hell out of it.
Get in the sea.
Is a rip-off degree a qualification for porn strars?
(Apologies to those who find this offensive - but you asked for Bad Jokes.)
Thanks to her attention to Felonious Trump's smallest organ.
Much older than Rumpole.
Need Money.
Not Homeless.
Wife keeps buying plants.
Help
Need money
Two hungry cats
Not Homeless
Husband keeps buying books
Dr&Mrs RR in a nutshell ...
Need money.
Not homeless
Bank of Mum and Dad running out of reserves.
Wife keeps sponsoring everyone and anyone to run or whatever for a good cause. And sends Moonpig Birthday Cards to everyone.
Flight Attendant: Just once.
He fell into a korma.
Gucci Gucci Goo!
He was OK. His naan visited him every day. There was a bit of argy-bhaji with the discharge team at the end though. They wanted him to have a special pilau for his bed.
He needed a lot of help with his diet. The dietician made him pakora-l supplements into his bag. It was the consultant who proved to be the keema-n in the end.
Never a dhal moment after that.
That would be lenient. I could go on about what he deserves in a sermon, but, as little Miss RR said, poppadom preach .
(Sorry, it's terrible the way the mind wanders when listening to a sermon)
Or even bring on something even madras-tic.