Had a long overdue phone-call this evening with Younger Son.
Seems that he, heavily pregnant DiL and Little Grandson will shortly be taking a few days holiday at a resort further along the East Sussex coast, and we are now hoping to meet them somewhere halfway between here and there.
Sadly Elder Son and family can't join us, as they are almost a group of six on their own, but Younger Son is sure they can organise some way for each member of both of their families to spend a little time with the others in relays.
Sounds a bit like the Fox/Chicken/Bag of Grain puzzle
My AP really not coping with this virus and the intrusions now, they are upset & not comprehending a lot of things. The home are superb though and will be checkIng for infections as a possible cause.
Tbh I think AP is just utterly Fed Up.
Grandchildren and Greatgrandchildren have been duly instructed and starting this weekend chatty postcards and children’s art delights will be arriving.
AP often gets confused by the spoken word but they Do enjoy reading and have a firmer grasp of reality that way. In the past we have had to resort to some seemingly tart notices:
“ It is bed time, you must be in your bed. “
That worked when handed to AP in the early hours, where verbal explanations didn’t !
“ Oh right. I ‘ll go to bed then.”
Oh, dear, ThunderBunk. That's so terribly distressing. Is this a new attitude for your mother?
Completely, yes. The complexities of reality seem to be too much for her post-cancer brain and it is trying to short circuit reality with the simplistic bullshit of conspiracy.
@jedijudy, the wanting to go home scenario is so common, and so sad specially when the home they want to go to is a childhood home. I haven't seen my mum since March due to Covid restrictions but when I did she kept on going on about going to see how her parents are. Mum is firmly stuck in the 1930s. I hope your sister did help out over sorting stuff out after the flood. @ThunderBunk , that must be hard to listen to, My mother is turning into a racist which is so different from how she used to be.
I'm hoping that I might be able to see my mum sometime in the next couple of weeks if London doesn't get locked down again. My husband went to see his mum this weekend and his elder sister seems to be organising things to make her house more suitable, and to get the help in she needs. She is sending emails to the others with tasks for them to do. My husband's is to sort out the dangerous gas fire before winter.
I hope your sister did help out over sorting stuff out after the flood.
Thank you for asking. No. She's not helping even the tiniest bit. I have the thought that the next time we talk on the phone, and she asks (like she does most of those calls) what she can do to help, I might suggest that since she doesn't mean it, to stop with the empty offers.
Very likely she's doing it to make herself feel righteous and worthy of Baby Jesus' love.
That's what I told her last time. And I said that replacing the flooring (and baseboards and all that entails) was going to be almost $4000. Crickets.
She's one of those selfish, greedy 'Christians' that give Jesus a bad name.
Yes, indeed!
And I'm being a judgmental person. I do that when my parents are not being cared for like I think they should be. Just fired a doctor for the same reason.
I think you may be right to be judgmental in the interests of justice for your parents. Miss Manners once said that a lady is very much a "lady" when she stands up for the rights of others. I think same goes for a Christian being a Christian when standing up for others especially their parents.
I'm supporting a friend who is doing the best for her elderly brother. His daughter kicked him out of her house where he had been living for years three days after he had left the hospital. He had just had surgery and had developed a clot in his leg. His sister lives with me and now he lives with us while he recovers and he waits for some housing placement. It's a little like Penny's former conundrum except the brother doesn't have dementia or much in the way of financial resources. And he's nicer. So far.
Oh dear. Mrs Z senior has been a bit more robust in the last couple of months. Now though she's suddenly had the idea of taking on a boarder. Given the alleged experience of the suggested candidate it could be a fine (if somewhat exploitative) idea ... would have been a great idea five years ago ... but so many naiveties (I think she'll be lovely, says Mrs Z), and somehow we're going to have to rustle up police checks, references, some sort of covenant/contract ... arrrgh
Although it sounds a hassle to get police checks etc, if your mother is happy with the idea it might mean she can stay safe at home for a while longer. @jedijudy , I'm sorry that your sister's offers of help were just words. I thought even if she didn't want to actually do things helping out financially would have been something. @lyda, how are things with your new house guest?
I went to see mum for the first time since March today. The good news is she looks well cared for, her hair was washed and brushed and she had painted finger nails and a nice dress on. The bad news is her teeth still haven't turned up, and she didn't recognise me. Told the carer I was horrible and she didn't like me. I manage to keep her chatting for about ten minutes, but nothing made any sense and of course we can't sit over coffee and cake as we used to do. In the end she went to the loo and I went home. I'm going in two weeks (assuming there isn't another lockdown at the home) and maybe she'll know who I am then. I don't know what to do about the teeth. I don't know which dentist she got them from, and even if I did and they could make a new set from a saved impression I'm not sure she'd wear them. There is a dentist right next to the care home, but I doubt mum would co-operate with having a new set made.
That must have been distressing for you, Sarasa; I think something fairly similar happened to D's sister a few weeks ago when she went to see her mum for the first time since February.
Cleared out the last of my father's suite today. We ended up with almost 8 weeks because of the nature of the rental agreement.
Then I came home and raked leaves. It made me think of this chapter from the original Bambi (not the Disney Bambi, but the book). A conversation between leaves as winter comes. Featuring no animals. https://dreamalildream.com/bambi-by-felix-salten/
The leaves were falling from the great oak at the meadow’s edge. They were falling from all the trees.
One branch of the oak reached high above the others and stretched far out over the meadow. Two leaves clung to its tip.
“It isn’t the way it used to be,” said one leaf to the other.
“No,” the other leaf answered. “So many of us have fallen off to-night we’re almost the only ones left on our branch.” <continues in the link>
@Sarasa don't despair - I was distraught when my mother thought I worked at the care home, but next time she was well aware that I was important to her, even if she was unable to provide a family tree!
And the teeth are a nuisance - the Dowager lost a front tooth and was very self-conscious and fretful abut it for a time, but there was no way she could have stood having an impression made *sigh*
Thank you for all your kind words. I was chatting to a friend who's a dentist yesterday. She said even if I could track down an impression of mum's teeth it wouldn't really help as things change. Given how cross in a toddler sort of way, mum was when she saw me I doubt I could get her to the dentist and get another set made without a lot of hassle. Even if I did there is no guarantee she'd wear them.
Mum doesn't seem to realise the teeth are missing, and given how vain she used to be, that is really sad.
Ten days ago (but feels longer) Dad phoned me up and said, cheerily "You don't need to buy me a Christmas present this year!"
I had ordered two DVDs as a surprise for him, and so I thought they'd arrived and expected the next sentence to be "The DVDs can be my Christmas present!"
But the next sentence was actually "The doctor has told me I'll be dead by Christmas."
His chemo has stopped working and he is now terminally ill, with an estimate of 2-3 months, maybe a bit longer.
He's still happily gardening, and doesn't look ill, so it's hard to comprehend. We knew that this, his fourth combination of chemo drugs, was the last, but thought that he'd have months / a year after it stopped working. We have been blind-sided by "2-3 months."
As he's terminally ill, the "no meeting in another household" Covid rules don't apply and so we've visited twice and will visit again this weekend. We are socially distancing and wearing masks in the house, because the last thing we want is for Mum to become ill.
Since being told, Dad has gone into organisational overdrive, sorting out cupboards etc. This is very hard on Mum.
How devastating for you, and our prayers and sympathy follow. His activity is probably having the unintended result making things harder for your mother.
Oh I'm so sorry to hear that @North East Quine . I knew your dad had cancer, but I thought it was well under control and he had years left. My father who knew he was going to drop dead of heart failure sooner rather than later organised his funeral down to the last detail. As that included getting British Waterways to hack a path from the canal bank to the crem so his coffin could make it's last journey on his boat I felt a strange mixture of utter sadness and pride. And he made a tape to be played. I still can't listen to Jelly Roll Morton.
How is your mum? This is one thing totally beyond her control
We thought he had years left, too, Sarasa, as much as anyone can assume "years left" when their parent is in their eighties.
The NHS has been superb since his diagnosis in Aug / Sept 2014, and I think that had lulled us into a false sense of security.
Dad says he's going to speak to the undertaker at some point, but this week's priority was double-checking his will / title deeds / widow's pension provision with his solicitor. Apparently I have 8 weeks to ingratiate myself sufficiently with Dad to be put into his Will.
The jokes may be helping Dad to cope, but as you say, Gee D, they are not helping Mum.
It took my mother 12 weeks from diagnoses to death. For the first six of these weeks she looked well, and like your father was organising everything. One thing she tired to do was contact everyone she knew to say goodbye. Pretty much everyone on her Christmas card list (very long). She hadn’t quite finished when she became unable to do such things and my sister and I were instructed to divide up the remnant and phone them. The hardest thing was telling them that no, they couldn’t go and see her as she was beyond visitors by then.
@NOprophet_NØprofit .... glad that the leaf raking helped......
Crumbs how poignant
@North East Quine prayers . wisdom for all , speed for your dad to get everything straight , peace for your mum ....and enough time for them both together.
We made a quick visit yesterday - we set off early so that we could leave early and be there and back during the "yellow weather warning" before the "amber weather warning" kicked in.
Dad is still looking good, but they're both obviously under a lot of strain. The NHS is fantastic - they've had a visit from a community nurse as well as the Macmillan nurse, both of whom have been very reassuring about the level of support they will receive as soon as they need it. Next week they'll have a second visit from the community nurse, and a "checking in" phone call from the Macmillan nurse.
The DVDs I ordered in early September have arrived. I discovered that the National Library of Scotland will burn some items of their moving picture archive onto DVD, at a reasonable cost. One of the two I ordered is a 16 min promotional film from 1965 "Your holiday in Sutherland" It includes footage of Dornoch caravan site, where we had a family holiday in 1965!
I wish I'd known about this earlier! I don't know if other places have similar, but these DVDs seem an excellent present for the Aging Parent. Dad hadn't had his diagnosis when I ordered them, but now I'm glad I ordered them straight away.
I have a question. Is there anything I need to do / say / think about, which, if i don't do / say / think about I will regret after Dad's gone?
I have always had a good, uncomplicated relationship with Dad. I couldn't have wished for a better father. He taught me to ride a bike and, until I left home, we often went for bike runs together. He took me hill-walking; I bagged my first Munro with him.
For as far back as I can remember, Dad's engineering job was primarily office based, but he used to be called out in the worst of weather; occasionally fighting through blizzards in the middle of the night, and so I always thought of Dad as heroic. Plus the work radio in the car always seemed a bit glamourous, with the call-signs and the jargon.
We've always talked. He's always been a supportive and proud father, and grandfather. Obviously we've had spats, but we were always able to sort out our differences. We don't agree politically, but can co-exist.
Dad had an unhappy experience of church growing up - nothing dramatic but he grew up in a small town where it would have been social and career suicide for my grandparents not to have gone to church, and they spent years attending a church where they had no liking or respect for the minister. Dad describes himself as agnostic, and doesn't like organised religion, whereas I am very involved with the church, but again, we co-exist happily. We've always respected the others viewpoint.
Dad is currently saying that he's had a great life, he's proud of his career and his family, that his only regret is that he'll be leaving Mum, but he knows that my brother and I will take care of her, and that he is ready to go.
My brain is churning over that there must be something I'm missing, something I need to say, or do, or ask, but I just can't think of anything. We've always told each other that we love each other and, pre-Covid we always hugged whenever we saw each other.
What a lovely tribute.
Is there any thing about his family you might wish you had asked? I do a lot of family history and often wish I had asked my parents various things.
I don't think so, Puzzler. I was 27 when when my paternal grandmother died, and 31 when my paternal grandfather died. I talked to them a lot and made notes! I even know that my father was the result of a contraceptive failure! (TMI, Gran!)
Actually, Dad should have talked to his parents more. We had some sort of large family gathering in 1980, at which my father announced that, as we were all together, we should start planning my grandparents' Golden Wedding celebration in 1981! Various people tried to catch Dad's eye but he was oblivious. Gran said, quietly, that their anniversary was in 1982, and assorted relatives tried to change the subject. Dad ploughed on undeterred, and told his parents that they must have got married in 1931, because his sister was born in June 1932. Not a family gathering I will ever forget.
North East Quine, I am so sorry. I can only suggest, in addition to what others have said so well, to remember that for him you are still his daughter and if he expresses concern for you, let him do it and then tell him again how grateful you are for the love and care he has always shown you. What I am trying to say is, if he becomes more unwell and more dependent on you and others, let him be a father to you still, if he desires that.
Just from my experience is there any period of his life he is particularly quiet about. We never noticed that Dad did not talk of his time in South Africa, as Mum was always talking about it, well about her childhood there. There are enough hints to suggest there was a big story there but Dad took it with him to his death. I think he kept silent too long and when he wanted to talk he was not able to tell the story coherently.
Comments
They meant so much to me.
Seems that he, heavily pregnant DiL and Little Grandson will shortly be taking a few days holiday at a resort further along the East Sussex coast, and we are now hoping to meet them somewhere halfway between here and there.
Sadly Elder Son and family can't join us, as they are almost a group of six on their own, but Younger Son is sure they can organise some way for each member of both of their families to spend a little time with the others in relays.
Sounds a bit like the Fox/Chicken/Bag of Grain puzzle
My AP really not coping with this virus and the intrusions now, they are upset & not comprehending a lot of things. The home are superb though and will be checkIng for infections as a possible cause.
Tbh I think AP is just utterly Fed Up.
Grandchildren and Greatgrandchildren have been duly instructed and starting this weekend chatty postcards and children’s art delights will be arriving.
AP often gets confused by the spoken word but they Do enjoy reading and have a firmer grasp of reality that way. In the past we have had to resort to some seemingly tart notices:
“ It is bed time, you must be in your bed. “
That worked when handed to AP in the early hours, where verbal explanations didn’t !
“ Oh right. I ‘ll go to bed then.”
I last saw AP in February.....
Completely, yes. The complexities of reality seem to be too much for her post-cancer brain and it is trying to short circuit reality with the simplistic bullshit of conspiracy.
@ThunderBunk , that must be hard to listen to, My mother is turning into a racist which is so different from how she used to be.
I'm hoping that I might be able to see my mum sometime in the next couple of weeks if London doesn't get locked down again. My husband went to see his mum this weekend and his elder sister seems to be organising things to make her house more suitable, and to get the help in she needs. She is sending emails to the others with tasks for them to do. My husband's is to sort out the dangerous gas fire before winter.
When admitted to the home they actually gave a home address of when they were 8
Very likely she's doing it to make herself feel righteous and worthy of Baby Jesus' love.
You know I'm just spouting off, don't you!
Maybe a specific amount for a specific project would be effective. And then inform them how it all came out. With pictures.
She's one of those selfish, greedy 'Christians' that give Jesus a bad name.
And I'm being a judgmental person. I do that when my parents are not being cared for like I think they should be. Just fired a doctor for the same reason.
I'm supporting a friend who is doing the best for her elderly brother. His daughter kicked him out of her house where he had been living for years three days after he had left the hospital. He had just had surgery and had developed a clot in his leg. His sister lives with me and now he lives with us while he recovers and he waits for some housing placement. It's a little like Penny's former conundrum except the brother doesn't have dementia or much in the way of financial resources. And he's nicer. So far.
My friend and I are feeling pretty judgmental.
*Exceptions did not apply.
@jedijudy , I'm sorry that your sister's offers of help were just words. I thought even if she didn't want to actually do things helping out financially would have been something.
@lyda, how are things with your new house guest?
I went to see mum for the first time since March today. The good news is she looks well cared for, her hair was washed and brushed and she had painted finger nails and a nice dress on. The bad news is her teeth still haven't turned up, and she didn't recognise me. Told the carer I was horrible and she didn't like me. I manage to keep her chatting for about ten minutes, but nothing made any sense and of course we can't sit over coffee and cake as we used to do. In the end she went to the loo and I went home. I'm going in two weeks (assuming there isn't another lockdown at the home) and maybe she'll know who I am then. I don't know what to do about the teeth. I don't know which dentist she got them from, and even if I did and they could make a new set from a saved impression I'm not sure she'd wear them. There is a dentist right next to the care home, but I doubt mum would co-operate with having a new set made.
Then I came home and raked leaves. It made me think of this chapter from the original Bambi (not the Disney Bambi, but the book). A conversation between leaves as winter comes. Featuring no animals. https://dreamalildream.com/bambi-by-felix-salten/
It is quite moving. At least for me.
And the teeth are a nuisance - the Dowager lost a front tooth and was very self-conscious and fretful abut it for a time, but there was no way she could have stood having an impression made *sigh*
Mum doesn't seem to realise the teeth are missing, and given how vain she used to be, that is really sad.
I had ordered two DVDs as a surprise for him, and so I thought they'd arrived and expected the next sentence to be "The DVDs can be my Christmas present!"
But the next sentence was actually "The doctor has told me I'll be dead by Christmas."
His chemo has stopped working and he is now terminally ill, with an estimate of 2-3 months, maybe a bit longer.
He's still happily gardening, and doesn't look ill, so it's hard to comprehend. We knew that this, his fourth combination of chemo drugs, was the last, but thought that he'd have months / a year after it stopped working. We have been blind-sided by "2-3 months."
As he's terminally ill, the "no meeting in another household" Covid rules don't apply and so we've visited twice and will visit again this weekend. We are socially distancing and wearing masks in the house, because the last thing we want is for Mum to become ill.
Since being told, Dad has gone into organisational overdrive, sorting out cupboards etc. This is very hard on Mum.
How is your mum? This is one thing totally beyond her control
The NHS has been superb since his diagnosis in Aug / Sept 2014, and I think that had lulled us into a false sense of security.
Dad says he's going to speak to the undertaker at some point, but this week's priority was double-checking his will / title deeds / widow's pension provision with his solicitor. Apparently I have 8 weeks to ingratiate myself sufficiently with Dad to be put into his Will.
The jokes may be helping Dad to cope, but as you say, Gee D, they are not helping Mum.
They've had a preliminary visit from a Macmillan nurse who has said he should be able to stay at home, if that is what he wants.
I don't think I'll believe it until he actually looks or sounds unwell.
Crumbs how poignant
@North East Quine prayers . wisdom for all , speed for your dad to get everything straight , peace for your mum ....and enough time for them both together.
Dad is still looking good, but they're both obviously under a lot of strain. The NHS is fantastic - they've had a visit from a community nurse as well as the Macmillan nurse, both of whom have been very reassuring about the level of support they will receive as soon as they need it. Next week they'll have a second visit from the community nurse, and a "checking in" phone call from the Macmillan nurse.
The DVDs I ordered in early September have arrived. I discovered that the National Library of Scotland will burn some items of their moving picture archive onto DVD, at a reasonable cost. One of the two I ordered is a 16 min promotional film from 1965 "Your holiday in Sutherland" It includes footage of Dornoch caravan site, where we had a family holiday in 1965!
I wish I'd known about this earlier! I don't know if other places have similar, but these DVDs seem an excellent present for the Aging Parent. Dad hadn't had his diagnosis when I ordered them, but now I'm glad I ordered them straight away.
I have always had a good, uncomplicated relationship with Dad. I couldn't have wished for a better father. He taught me to ride a bike and, until I left home, we often went for bike runs together. He took me hill-walking; I bagged my first Munro with him.
For as far back as I can remember, Dad's engineering job was primarily office based, but he used to be called out in the worst of weather; occasionally fighting through blizzards in the middle of the night, and so I always thought of Dad as heroic. Plus the work radio in the car always seemed a bit glamourous, with the call-signs and the jargon.
We've always talked. He's always been a supportive and proud father, and grandfather. Obviously we've had spats, but we were always able to sort out our differences. We don't agree politically, but can co-exist.
Dad had an unhappy experience of church growing up - nothing dramatic but he grew up in a small town where it would have been social and career suicide for my grandparents not to have gone to church, and they spent years attending a church where they had no liking or respect for the minister. Dad describes himself as agnostic, and doesn't like organised religion, whereas I am very involved with the church, but again, we co-exist happily. We've always respected the others viewpoint.
Dad is currently saying that he's had a great life, he's proud of his career and his family, that his only regret is that he'll be leaving Mum, but he knows that my brother and I will take care of her, and that he is ready to go.
My brain is churning over that there must be something I'm missing, something I need to say, or do, or ask, but I just can't think of anything. We've always told each other that we love each other and, pre-Covid we always hugged whenever we saw each other.
What am I missing?
Is there any thing about his family you might wish you had asked? I do a lot of family history and often wish I had asked my parents various things.
Actually, Dad should have talked to his parents more. We had some sort of large family gathering in 1980, at which my father announced that, as we were all together, we should start planning my grandparents' Golden Wedding celebration in 1981! Various people tried to catch Dad's eye but he was oblivious. Gran said, quietly, that their anniversary was in 1982, and assorted relatives tried to change the subject. Dad ploughed on undeterred, and told his parents that they must have got married in 1931, because his sister was born in June 1932. Not a family gathering I will ever forget.