A lumberjack went into the Magic Forest to cut a tree.
As he was beginning to swing his axe, the tree shouted, "Wait, I am a talking tree!"
"And you will dialogue."
In the past 11 years
118 people have died
from weightlifting accidents
in gyms.
In the same 11 years
1 person has died
from eating
a doughnut.
Make Good Choices,
My friend.
Make Good Choices.
A dog walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "A pint please." The bartender says, "Wow you are amazing you should join the circus." the dog replies, "Why? Do they need electricians.?"
An elderly lady was somewhat lonely and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop, she went. She searched, and nothing seemed to catch her interest except this one ugly frog.
As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, “I’m lonely too, buy me and you won’t be sorry.” The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn’t found anything else.
So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road, the frog whispered to her, “Kiss me, you won’t be sorry.” So, the old lady figured what the heck and kissed the frog.
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome young prince.
Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?
The first motel she could find...She’s old, not dead!
Now that is bad! In the version I heard the 'old lady' turned into a layby.
There's another version where the aforesaid OL's pet is a cat. He too turns into a handsome prince. Trouble is ... he'd been neutured!
Keep 'em coming!
Now that is bad! In the version I heard the 'old lady' turned into a layby.
There's another version where the aforesaid OL's pet is a cat. He too turns into a handsome prince. Trouble is ... he'd been neutured!
Keep 'em coming!
A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn't know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N'-Chips stand.
One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, "May I have just an order of fries?"
The brother said, "Hold on a moment. I'm the fish friar. You want the chip monk."
My chum at my self help group has a really bad stutter. Last week he was telling us that his nan had died. After 3 minutes we all started singing Hey Jude.
My chum at my self help group has a really bad stutter. Last week he was telling us that his nan had died. After 3 minutes we all started singing Hey Jude.
'Having a bad stutter' myself, could you explain please?
My chum at my self help group has a really bad stutter. Last week he was telling us that his nan had died. After 3 minutes we all started singing Hey Jude.
'Having a bad stutter' myself, could you explain please?
"na na na nana nana, nana nana, hey jude"
A conversation with Little Miss Feet while choosing a book for bedtime gave me cause to compare her to the frog in the library: "read it; read it; read it".
Comments
Ah, but parting is such sweet sorrow ....
Udder destruction.
As he was beginning to swing his axe, the tree shouted, "Wait, I am a talking tree!"
"And you will dialogue."
A: It's quicker than walking.
Q: What are you doing?
A: Making pancakes.
Q: For whom? We just ate.
A: For the dogs.
Q: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
A: They don't know how.
118 people have died
from weightlifting accidents
in gyms.
In the same 11 years
1 person has died
from eating
a doughnut.
Make Good Choices,
My friend.
Make Good Choices.
--it's your own asphalt.
As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, “I’m lonely too, buy me and you won’t be sorry.” The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn’t found anything else.
So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road, the frog whispered to her, “Kiss me, you won’t be sorry.” So, the old lady figured what the heck and kissed the frog.
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome young prince.
Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?
The first motel she could find...She’s old, not dead!
There's another version where the aforesaid OL's pet is a cat. He too turns into a handsome prince. Trouble is ... he'd been neutured!
Keep 'em coming!
Could he come having been neutered?
And I am going to name it Five Miles.
That way I can honestly say I walked Five Miles every day.
A stick.
A stick
1.
2.
"Is it a stick Lord Percy?"
I pirated a movie last night.
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I say that's disqualified from a bad jokes thread. I also award it a π.
No. Definitely a bad joke (but a very good one). Produces a groan rather than a laugh.
One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, "May I have just an order of fries?"
The brother said, "Hold on a moment. I'm the fish friar. You want the chip monk."
I don’t understand! Oh, just got it.
My contribution for the day:
My half brother and I are not allowed to play with chainsaws anymore.
Love this. Told it to my friends who are rolling around on the ground with laughter.
NO
That really is terrible !!!!! laughing gas is N₂O ... NO is nitric oxide .... important in the body but a polutant in air.
I almost asked why not, when my old chemistry memory kicked in and realized what NO was.
The undertaker told the man, "I can ship your mother-in-law back home for $5,000, or I can bury her here for $150.
The man thought about it and said, "Ship her back home."
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home when I can bury her here for $150?"
The man said, "Well, two thousand years ago, a man died here, and was buried. Three days later he rose again. I cannot afford to take that chance."
How did that work?
N₂O?
The original joke was "would you like to hear a terrible joke about the chemistry of nitric oxide..."
"Sir, this is a library, not a public house!"
The man replied in a quiet voice, "Sorry, ma'am. May I please have a beer?"
Clever!!!
No, because it's NO2, not N2O
NO2 is not laughing gas, which is nitrous oxide. NO2 is nitrogen dioxide. Nasty stuff.
Sorry, the old chemistry tutor in me has resurfaced.
Please, please, back to the bad jokes!
NON
[In French]Would you like to hear a terrible joke concerning the chemistry of laughing gas? NON...[/French]
My French is bad too so there are probably some grammatical mistakes.
...............................
purrrr ple.
(mine too)
This one deserves a hug emoji
(ETA spoiler tags, DT, Admin)
'Having a bad stutter' myself, could you explain please?
(ETA spoiler tags, DT, Admin)
"na na na nana nana, nana nana, hey jude"
A conversation with Little Miss Feet while choosing a book for bedtime gave me cause to compare her to the frog in the library: "read it; read it; read it".
(ETA spoiler tags, DT, Admin)
Doublethink, Admin