Bad jokes

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  • mousethief wrote: »
    I'm totally bald, but I still own a comb. I just can't part with it.

    Ah, but parting is such sweet sorrow ....
  • Hair today, gone tomorrow.
  • MooMoo Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    Do you know what happened to the cow that jumped over the moon?

    Udder destruction.
  • A lumberjack went into the Magic Forest to cut a tree.
    As he was beginning to swing his axe, the tree shouted, "Wait, I am a talking tree!"
    "And you will dialogue."
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    In Scotland, porridge is oat cuisine
  • Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter?

    A: It's quicker than walking.
  • @Stercus Tauri reminds me of the old saw:

    Q: What are you doing?

    A: Making pancakes.

    Q: For whom? We just ate.

    A: For the dogs.

    Q: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?

    A: They don't know how.
  • In the past 11 years
    118 people have died
    from weightlifting accidents
    in gyms.
    In the same 11 years
    1 person has died
    from eating
    a doughnut.
    Make Good Choices,
    My friend.
    Make Good Choices.
  • A dog walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "A pint please." The bartender says, "Wow you are amazing you should join the circus." the dog replies, "Why? Do they need electricians.?"
  • That's very good Graven Image - re-told it immediately and got an out-loud laugh. It'll get told again I'm sure!
  • I went to a magic show in Mexico. The magician said, "Uno. Dos." And vanished without a tres.
  • Never blame anyone for the road you travel on
    --it's your own asphalt.
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    edited September 2023
    An elderly lady was somewhat lonely and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop, she went. She searched, and nothing seemed to catch her interest except this one ugly frog.

    As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, “I’m lonely too, buy me and you won’t be sorry.” The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn’t found anything else.

    So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road, the frog whispered to her, “Kiss me, you won’t be sorry.” So, the old lady figured what the heck and kissed the frog.

    Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome young prince.

    Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?

    The first motel she could find...She’s old, not dead!
  • Now that is bad! In the version I heard the 'old lady' turned into a layby.

    There's another version where the aforesaid OL's pet is a cat. He too turns into a handsome prince. Trouble is ... he'd been neutured!
    Keep 'em coming!
  • RockyRoger wrote: »
    Now that is bad! In the version I heard the 'old lady' turned into a layby.

    There's another version where the aforesaid OL's pet is a cat. He too turns into a handsome prince. Trouble is ... he'd been neutured!
    Keep 'em coming!

    Could he come having been neutered?
  • I am going to buy a dog.

    And I am going to name it Five Miles.

    That way I can honestly say I walked Five Miles every day.
  • Everybody knows Karl Marx, but few remember his sister Onya the Olympic runner. Even though her name is mentioned at the beginning of every race.
  • What is brown and sticky?

    A stick.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

    A stick
  • Two unwritten rules of life:

    1.

    2.
  • Spike wrote: »
    What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

    A stick

    "Is it a stick Lord Percy?"
  • ArethosemyfeetArethosemyfeet Shipmate, Heaven Host
    Found on Facebook:

    I pirated a movie last night.

    I gave it 3.14 stars.
  • Found on Facebook:

    I pirated a movie last night.

    I gave it 3.14 stars.

    I say that's disqualified from a bad jokes thread. I also award it a π.
  • Found on Facebook:

    I pirated a movie last night.

    I gave it 3.14 stars.

    I say that's disqualified from a bad jokes thread. I also award it a π.

    No. Definitely a bad joke (but a very good one). Produces a groan rather than a laugh.
  • A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn't know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N'-Chips stand.

    One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, "May I have just an order of fries?"

    The brother said, "Hold on a moment. I'm the fish friar. You want the chip monk."
  • Found on Facebook:

    I pirated a movie last night.

    I gave it 3.14 stars.

    I don’t understand! Oh, just got it.

  • Now I get it. Took me several days.

    My contribution for the day:

    My half brother and I are not allowed to play with chainsaws anymore.
  • Gramps49 wrote: »
    Now I get it. Took me several days.

    My contribution for the day:

    My half brother and I are not allowed to play with chainsaws anymore.

    Love this. Told it to my friends who are rolling around on the ground with laughter.
  • Would you like to hear a really terrible joke about the chemistry of laughing gas?

    NO
  • Would you like to hear a really terrible joke about the chemistry of laughing gas?

    NO

    That really is terrible !!!!! laughing gas is N₂O ... NO is nitric oxide .... important in the body but a polutant in air.
  • RockyRoger wrote: »
    Would you like to hear a really terrible joke about the chemistry of laughing gas?

    NO

    That really is terrible !!!!! laughing gas is N₂O ... NO is nitric oxide .... important in the body but a polutant in air.

    I almost asked why not, when my old chemistry memory kicked in and realized what NO was.
  • I must confess I made the joke worse than it already was by my bad knowledge of chemistry - the original had it correct...
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    edited September 2023
    A man and his wife and mother-in-law went to the Holy Lands for a vacation. While there, the mother-in-law died.

    The undertaker told the man, "I can ship your mother-in-law back home for $5,000, or I can bury her here for $150.

    The man thought about it and said, "Ship her back home."

    The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home when I can bury her here for $150?"

    The man said, "Well, two thousand years ago, a man died here, and was buried. Three days later he rose again. I cannot afford to take that chance."
  • I must confess I made the joke worse than it already was by my bad knowledge of chemistry - the original had it correct...

    How did that work?
    N₂O?
  • RockyRoger wrote: »
    I must confess I made the joke worse than it already was by my bad knowledge of chemistry - the original had it correct...

    How did that work?
    N₂O?

    The original joke was "would you like to hear a terrible joke about the chemistry of nitric oxide..."
  • Perhaps the joke could be rewritten so a Frenchman said "NON".
  • A man walked into a library and shouted to the librarian, "Give me a beer." (Clearly it wasn't his first one of the day.)

    "Sir, this is a library, not a public house!"

    The man replied in a quiet voice, "Sorry, ma'am. May I please have a beer?"
  • Ya I told the laughing gas joke to my son and wife. They ruined it by saying yes. That one sunk very fast.
  • HarryCH wrote: »
    Perhaps the joke could be rewritten so a Frenchman said "NON".

    Clever!!!
  • HarryCH wrote: »
    Perhaps the joke could be rewritten so a Frenchman said "NON".

    No, because it's NO2, not N2O
  • KarlLB wrote: »
    HarryCH wrote: »
    Perhaps the joke could be rewritten so a Frenchman said "NON".

    No, because it's NO2, not N2O

    NO2 is not laughing gas, which is nitrous oxide. NO2 is nitrogen dioxide. Nasty stuff.

    Sorry, the old chemistry tutor in me has resurfaced.

    Please, please, back to the bad jokes!
  • Ah, mais oui @HarryCH ! Est-ce que vous voulez ecouter un drole abominable que concernant la chimie de gas hilarant?

    NON
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    edited September 2023
    My french is bad, beyond My Bad, you lost me.
  • Well, I should have provided a translation as per Ship Guidelines, so my bad.

    [In French]Would you like to hear a terrible joke concerning the chemistry of laughing gas? NON...[/French]

    My French is bad too so there are probably some grammatical mistakes.
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    What is a happy cat's favourite colour?
    ...............................

    purrrr ple.

    (mine too)
  • Huia wrote: »
    What is a happy cat's favourite colour?
    ...............................

    purrrr ple.

    (mine too)

    This one deserves a hug emoji :smile:
  • TelfordTelford Shipmate
    edited September 2023
    My chum at my self help group has a really bad stutter. Last week he was telling us that his nan had died. After 3 minutes we all started singing Hey Jude.

    (ETA spoiler tags, DT, Admin)
  • RockyRogerRockyRoger Shipmate
    edited September 2023
    Telford wrote: »
    My chum at my self help group has a really bad stutter. Last week he was telling us that his nan had died. After 3 minutes we all started singing Hey Jude.

    'Having a bad stutter' myself, could you explain please?

    (ETA spoiler tags, DT, Admin)
  • ArethosemyfeetArethosemyfeet Shipmate, Heaven Host
    edited September 2023
    RockyRoger wrote: »
    Telford wrote: »
    My chum at my self help group has a really bad stutter. Last week he was telling us that his nan had died. After 3 minutes we all started singing Hey Jude.

    'Having a bad stutter' myself, could you explain please?

    "na na na nana nana, nana nana, hey jude"

    A conversation with Little Miss Feet while choosing a book for bedtime gave me cause to compare her to the frog in the library: "read it; read it; read it".

    (ETA spoiler tags, DT, Admin)
  • DoublethinkDoublethink Admin, 8th Day Host
    I failed to get that, now it has been explained, no ableist jokes please.

    Doublethink, Admin
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