Bad jokes

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  • Doctor doctor I've only got 4 minutes to live -is there anything you can do for me?

    I could boil you an egg...
  • Jesus and Moses were hanging out by the beach just talking about the good old times. Jesus turns to Moses and asks him. "Hey Moses, can you still part the seas with that staff of yours?" Moses replies, "I haven't done it in a long time but I can try." Moses raises his staff and parts the sea. Jesus was amazed. Moses now turns to Jesus and asks him... "Hey Jesus, can you still walk on water?" Jesus replies... "Yeah I think I can". Jesus starts to walk on water and sinks, so he tries again, and completely fails and sinks once more. After multiple attempts and failures Jesus turns to Moses and says..." AH! That's right. I have holes on my feet."
  • This is a joke that when around Rome at one time:

    Ceasar Augustus was riding around Rome one day when he spotted a man that looked just like him. He stops his chariot and goes to the man. "You look a lot like me," he says, "Did your mother work in the palace?" "No," the man replied. "But my father did."
  • I got in an Uber, and the driver said, "Is it okay if I put some music on?" I said that would be fine. Then he said, "Kiss?" I said, "Let's listen to the music for a while and see how we feel."
  • Why wasn’t the teddy bear hungry?

    Because he was stuffed.
  • I was just watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra,
    and half way through the bloke on the Triangle disappeared.
  • 'Slaving Lives at Sea': Historical TV series.

    [Note for non-Brit shipmates: 'Saving-Lives at Sea' is a real-life fly-on-the-wall BBC series using footage from helmet cameras worn byvolunteer lifeboat crews. Fills me with admiration of their courage.]
  • Might there be a typo in that last post?
  • Gee DGee D Shipmate
    HarryCH wrote: »
    Might there be a typo in that last post?

    I thought that was the bad joke???
  • Correct, Gee D. Have a cigar.
  • Man comes to me. Asks, "Do you know where I can get a toupee?"
    Me, "Not off the top of my head."
  • ArethosemyfeetArethosemyfeet Shipmate, Heaven Host
    Those who forget the pasta...

    ... are doomed to reheat it.
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    Why do elephants have big ears?
    Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    edited November 2023
    With America going back to Standard time tonight, does that mean ministers get to preach an hour longer tomorrow?
  • BroJamesBroJames Purgatory Host
    Gramps49 wrote: »
    With America going back to Standard time tonight, does that mean ministers get to preach an hour longer tomorrow?
    Yes. Of course they can. They can stick to today’s time, arrive at church an hour earlier than usual and preach for an hour before the service begins. They can advertise this amazing fall bargain (two hours for the price of one) to their delighted congregations, and prepare for the rush of enthusiastic hearers.
  • Good comeback, @BroJames.
  • BroJamesBroJames Purgatory Host
    :smiley:
  • BoogieBoogie Heaven Host
    This one by my dear husband.

    I said ˋthe bells are ringing at the Church because there’s a prayer service for All Souls at four O‘Clock‘

    He was in the other room and didn’t quite hear me and said Our souls?
    I shouted All Souls.

    He quipped - Arse holes?

    Made me laugh. 😂
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    edited November 2023

    Boogie wrote: »
    This one by my dear husband.

    I said ˋthe bells are ringing at the Church because there’s a prayer service for All Souls at four O‘Clock‘

    He was in the other room and didn’t quite hear me and said Our souls?
    I shouted All Souls.

    He quipped - Arse holes?

    Made me laugh. 😂

    At which point... https://www.tiktok.com/@ringwalkmedia12/video/6847638343912557829

    (Tidied up a bit. Boogie, Heaven Host)
  • TrudyTrudy Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    Lord knows we could use a prayer service for the arseholes, sometimes.
  • BoogieBoogie Heaven Host
    Trudy wrote: »
    Lord knows we could use a prayer service for the arseholes, sometimes.

    That was my answer, after chuckling.

  • Swab: Captain, we can't set sail. The toilets still aren't fastened to the decks. If get get into heavy seas, heads will roll.
  • Q, What's the color of the wind?

    A. Blew
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    edited November 2023
    An angry customer came into the guitar shop. "The neck of the guitar you sold me just broke into dozens of little pieces!" he shouted, waving one around. "You better give me a new one if you know what's good for you!"

    "Is that meant to be some kind of fret?" asked the sales assistant...
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    NOOOoooo!
  • The man that invented the Ferris wheel never met the man that invented the merry go round. They travelled in different circles.
  • I saw a blonde girl digging a hole and another blonde girl filling it in. When asked why, the first replied that there’s usually a third planting trees but she’s off sick.
    (Apologies to any blondes on board!)
  • Priscilla wrote: »
    I saw a blonde girl digging a hole and another blonde girl filling it in. When asked why, the first replied that there’s usually a third planting trees but she’s off sick.
    (Apologies to any blondes on board!)

    Is this a blonde joke or a union joke?
  • Ole had a wagon full of wheat he was taking to the market.

    Suddenly, one of the wheels to the wagon went into a ditch, and it overturned.

    Sven saw it happen and went over to investigate. He told Ole he would help get the wagon upright and refill the grain; but first, he was about to eat dinner. Would Ole like to join him.

    Ole said he would like to, but Lena would be upset.

    "Oh, come on," said Sven, "You must be hungry too."

    Ole finally relented, but he said, "Lena will still be very angry."

    The had dinner together and Ole thanked his host, but he said he had to get back to the wagon because "Lena was going to be very angry."

    Sven said, "By the way, where is Lena?"

    "Under the wagon." replied Ole.
  • Ole and Sven get around... The following is lifted (from memory) from a sermon by my wife's Danish Lutheran uncle on a family reunion Sunday:

    "We must avoid the evil of racist remarks and ethnic epithets such as (deleted, deleted and deleted) especially concerning our brethren the German Lutherans.

    "Amongst ourselves too, we must avoid divisive comments and slurs. Let me illustrate how this can be done.

    "A pastor once decided that he should find a way to show his congregation that jokes can be made without causing offence to any ethnic group and still be funny. He researched the subject exhaustively, and found that his own advice was not so easy to follow. Eventually, after much study at the seminary library, he found references to the thing that he sought, a group of people no longer in this world, and who could not be offended or hurt by well-intentioned humour.

    "To demonstrate his point, he opened his next sermon saying - Now, there were these two Hittites, Ole and Sven..."

  • Ole and Sven get around... The following is lifted (from memory) from a sermon by my wife's Danish Lutheran uncle on a family reunion Sunday:

    "We must avoid the evil of racist remarks and ethnic epithets such as (deleted, deleted and deleted) especially concerning our brethren the German Lutherans.

    "Amongst ourselves too, we must avoid divisive comments and slurs. Let me illustrate how this can be done.

    "A pastor once decided that he should find a way to show his congregation that jokes can be made without causing offence to any ethnic group and still be funny. He researched the subject exhaustively, and found that his own advice was not so easy to follow. Eventually, after much study at the seminary library, he found references to the thing that he sought, a group of people no longer in this world, and who could not be offended or hurt by well-intentioned humour.

    "To demonstrate his point, he opened his next sermon saying - Now, there were these two Hittites, Ole and Sven..."

    I know that story well. It actually happened at one of the conventions of the old American Lutheran Church Synod back in the 70s. David Preus was the Synod President. The convention passed a resolution condemning the use of ethnic jokes, slurs and other racist remarks. After the vote, Preus got up and said he had done all the research and discovered a people no longer in existence, etc, etc. Brought down the whole house.

    Yes, I should have mentioned Ole and Sven--and Lena were Hittites.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    Ole and Sven get around... The following is lifted (from memory) from a sermon by my wife's Danish Lutheran uncle on a family reunion Sunday:

    "We must avoid the evil of racist remarks and ethnic epithets such as (deleted, deleted and deleted) especially concerning our brethren the German Lutherans.

    "Amongst ourselves too, we must avoid divisive comments and slurs. Let me illustrate how this can be done.

    "A pastor once decided that he should find a way to show his congregation that jokes can be made without causing offence to any ethnic group and still be funny. He researched the subject exhaustively, and found that his own advice was not so easy to follow. Eventually, after much study at the seminary library, he found references to the thing that he sought, a group of people no longer in this world, and who could not be offended or hurt by well-intentioned humour.

    "To demonstrate his point, he opened his next sermon saying - Now, there were these two Hittites, Ole and Sven..."

    I don’t get it 🤷
  • ArethosemyfeetArethosemyfeet Shipmate, Heaven Host
    Spike wrote: »
    Ole and Sven get around... The following is lifted (from memory) from a sermon by my wife's Danish Lutheran uncle on a family reunion Sunday:

    "We must avoid the evil of racist remarks and ethnic epithets such as (deleted, deleted and deleted) especially concerning our brethren the German Lutherans.

    "Amongst ourselves too, we must avoid divisive comments and slurs. Let me illustrate how this can be done.

    "A pastor once decided that he should find a way to show his congregation that jokes can be made without causing offence to any ethnic group and still be funny. He researched the subject exhaustively, and found that his own advice was not so easy to follow. Eventually, after much study at the seminary library, he found references to the thing that he sought, a group of people no longer in this world, and who could not be offended or hurt by well-intentioned humour.

    "To demonstrate his point, he opened his next sermon saying - Now, there were these two Hittites, Ole and Sven..."

    I don’t get it 🤷

    I'm assuming Ole and Sven are standard names given to Danish characters in the ethnic jokes being condemned, and the joke about "Hittites" was an exact replica of one of these jokes.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    I still don’t get it
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    The point is that the teller thinks they can de-toxify the joke simply by replacing "Danes" with "Hittites" even though the characters are still called Ole and Sven!
  • Is an inventor of warning devices for motor vehicles a honkologist? (Rather sick, I know.)
  • Spike wrote: »
    Ole and Sven get around... The following is lifted (from memory) from a sermon by my wife's Danish Lutheran uncle on a family reunion Sunday:

    "We must avoid the evil of racist remarks and ethnic epithets such as (deleted, deleted and deleted) especially concerning our brethren the German Lutherans.

    "Amongst ourselves too, we must avoid divisive comments and slurs. Let me illustrate how this can be done.

    "A pastor once decided that he should find a way to show his congregation that jokes can be made without causing offence to any ethnic group and still be funny. He researched the subject exhaustively, and found that his own advice was not so easy to follow. Eventually, after much study at the seminary library, he found references to the thing that he sought, a group of people no longer in this world, and who could not be offended or hurt by well-intentioned humour.

    "To demonstrate his point, he opened his next sermon saying - Now, there were these two Hittites, Ole and Sven..."

    I don’t get it 🤷

    I'm assuming Ole and Sven are standard names given to Danish characters in the ethnic jokes being condemned, and the joke about "Hittites" was an exact replica of one of these jokes.

    Ole and Sven jokes are applied to Scandinavians in general, Norwegians in particular. That was because the Lutheran Church in America were divided between Germans and Norwegians. The Germans told jokes about Ole and Sven, the Norwegians told jokes about Hans and Gretel, Essentially the same jokes.
  • What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    edited November 2023
    Gramps49 wrote: »
    Spike wrote: »
    Ole and Sven get around... The following is lifted (from memory) from a sermon by my wife's Danish Lutheran uncle on a family reunion Sunday:

    "We must avoid the evil of racist remarks and ethnic epithets such as (deleted, deleted and deleted) especially concerning our brethren the German Lutherans.

    "Amongst ourselves too, we must avoid divisive comments and slurs. Let me illustrate how this can be done.

    "A pastor once decided that he should find a way to show his congregation that jokes can be made without causing offence to any ethnic group and still be funny. He researched the subject exhaustively, and found that his own advice was not so easy to follow. Eventually, after much study at the seminary library, he found references to the thing that he sought, a group of people no longer in this world, and who could not be offended or hurt by well-intentioned humour.

    "To demonstrate his point, he opened his next sermon saying - Now, there were these two Hittites, Ole and Sven..."

    I don’t get it 🤷

    I'm assuming Ole and Sven are standard names given to Danish characters in the ethnic jokes being condemned, and the joke about "Hittites" was an exact replica of one of these jokes.

    Ole and Sven jokes are applied to Scandinavians in general, Norwegians in particular. That was because the Lutheran Church in America were divided between Germans and Norwegians. The Germans told jokes about Ole and Sven, the Norwegians told jokes about Hans and Gretel, Essentially the same jokes.

    OK, so an obscure “in joke” rather than a bad joke
  • The need to explain "Ole and Sven" at such length indicates that we have a less-than-useful joke.
  • ArethosemyfeetArethosemyfeet Shipmate, Heaven Host
    I'm neither Lutheran, German or Scandinavian (or Hittite) but I didn't have a problem getting it.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    Why did the banker quit his job?

    Because he lost interest

    (Courtesy of Alexa)
  • Husbands, next time your wife gets angry with you, drape a towel around her shoulders, like a cape.

    Tell her she is now Super Angry.

    Either she will laugh,

    Or you will die.
  • The funniest part of the Ole and Sven story is probably the discussion it has generated. But then, when Uncle Hans told his version in church it hardly raised a ripple, apart from me chortling. Interestingly, there are, or have been, at least four Lutheran churches in the village: there used to be the Happy Danes (it's true - you can look it up), the Holy Danes, and now there is Trinity Lutheran (ELCA), with the Missouri Synod Lutherans across the road. The population of the village is about 140.
  • History Corner:
    Why did/does President Kruger wear brown boots?
    To keep De Wet from defeat.
    [De Wet was a Boer general in the South African War.This joke was told by my history teacher who would have been at school at the time of that war. Kruger was president of the Transvaal Republic.}
  • For what it's worth, the LCMS tells Ole and Lena jokes as well. I've never heard an offensive one--it's kind of like Vietnamese telling Vietnamese jokes, slagging the ethnicity is not the point.
  • Do sheep contract diableates?
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    What’s red and bad for your teeth?

    A brick
  • Eirenist wrote: »
    Do sheep contract diableates?

    If they did it would be a shear accident. They can feel really crook .... and wooly headed.
  • Wife: I married you because you are funny.

    Husband: I thought you married be because we have great sex.

    Wife: See, you are hilarious.
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