Bad jokes

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  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    What did the grape say when it was crushed?

    Nothing, it just let out a little wine
  • Two snakes crawling in the jungle,
    one snake turns to the other and say's
    "Are we poisonous..to which the other
    snake replies "Nah" the snake replies
    "Thank God for that" the other snake say's "Why" the first snake replies
    .
    .
    .
    .
    "I have just bitten my lip".
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    Why did Mark Knopfler build a beehive and plant an acre of potatoes?

    So he could get his honey for nothing and chips for free...
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    I spent £250 to hire a limousine and then found out the fee didn’t include anyone to drive it.

    All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
  • Where d'you put a bad spectrum?
    In prism.
    It's a light sentence.
    Gives time to reflect.
  • Martin54 wrote: »
    Where d'you put a bad spectrum?
    In prism.
    It's a light sentence.
    Gives time to reflect.

    @Martin54
    Scott:
    Dazzling!
    Lydia:
    Sparkling wit, Mr. M54!
    Kendel:
    Brilliant!
  • How do farmers party?
    They turnip the beets.
  • Did you know Bruce Lee had a brother who is vegetarian?
    Broco Lee
  • If King Arthur had had a cannon it would have been X calibre, as he would have used Roman numerals
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    They say that when one door closes another one opens.

    I once had an Austin Allegro that did that.
  • My wife thinks I'm nosey. I wish she would just say it to my face instead of writing it in her diary.
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    Telford wrote: »
    My wife thinks I'm nosey. I wish she would just say it to my face instead of writing it in her diary.

    :lol:
  • My wife also thinks I am nosey. Whenever I ask a question, she asks me if I am writing a book.
  • Young Noddy Holder was at the back of the class eating a snack.
    The teacher said "Holder! What are you eating?
    Noddy shouted back "It's crisps miss.."
  • Telford wrote: »
    Young Noddy Holder was at the back of the class eating a snack.
    The teacher said "Holder! What are you eating?
    Noddy shouted back "It's crisps miss.."

    Over my head
  • A favourite of my (late) father:
    'A man was walking by a sewer
    Andby that sewer he died,
    And at the coroner's inquest
    They called if sewercide.'
  • ArethosemyfeetArethosemyfeet Shipmate, Heaven Host
    Did you know that you shouldn't tell dad jokes if you're not a father?

    It's a faux pas.
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    A dad joke about dad jokes? There's probably a word for that, but I'm not bright enough to know it.
  • Huia wrote: »
    A dad joke about dad jokes? There's probably a word for that, but I'm not bright enough to know it.

    Meta!
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    Of course! Thanks questioning.
  • 3 hour wait to see Santa yesterday. It cost £8.50. Was with him for only 1 minute and he gave us a rubbish toy. I'm so glad that the kids weren't with me
  • From my university days: A man fell into a sewer.He couldn't swim, but he went through the motions.
    And we thought we were educated.
  • I am old enough to ermember University Rag Mags. At school, they were gold dust, because they always contained rude jokes. I say rude - risque was probably closer. Anyway, this one has stuck in my mind from those days:
    A woman goes into a butchers and asks "Hello. Do you keep dripping?" "Yes ma'am", he answers enthusiastically. "Awkward, isn't it" She says.

    It most definitely comes under tasteless jokes, so probably fits here too.
  • A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid. "Certainly sir," says Jervaise, the waiter. "Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?" "I'll have that little green one with the moustache," says the customer. "Oh no!" replies Jervaise. "But he's my favourite! He's so small and cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?"
    "No," says the customer. "It's got to be that one". So Jervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and ... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin! "It's no good' says Jervaise. "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed?' So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. Hans picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and ... once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache. So Hans, too, finds it impossible to kill him. The moral? Hans that does dishes us as soft as Jervaise with mild green hairy-lip squid.
  • Brilliant @Telford . And your previous one.
  • Merry Vole wrote: »
    Brilliant @Telford . And your previous one.
    Thanks. Much appreciated.
  • I might agree if I could figure out what it meant.
  • It's a play on an advertising slogan for Fairy Liquid. - Hands that do dishes are as soft as your face with mild green Fairy Liquid.
  • Lost in translation across the pond.
  • All the British shipmates will be hearing the tune in their heads as they read it.
  • I would remind Telford that this thread is for BAD jokes.
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    All the British shipmates will be hearing the tune in their heads as they read it.

    CORRECT
  • Those of a certain age too ! It's one I’ve heard in the past, but it’s still funny!
  • RockyRoger wrote: »
    I would remind Telford that this thread is for BAD jokes.
    I leave it for the reader to judge whether or not a joke is bad.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    An Eskimo moved into a new igloo and his friends held a house warming party for him. Now he’s homeless
  • Did you know that an igloo has only two rooms. There's the ig - the living room - ... and the ....
  • My wife has locked herself in the kitchen in a rage after a massive argument over how miserable and tight I've become since we've been together...She's in there now ripping all our paper plates in half...
  • I remember the Hairy Lip Squid joke and yes, it's still funny.

    @Telford, all is forgiven.

    If I've ever clashed with you on these boards in the past, your jokes are disarming me.

    Meanwhile, I bought my daughter a striking handmade shoulder bag from Iraq.

    She said, 'Thanks for the Baghdad.'
  • I remember the Hairy Lip Squid joke and yes, it's still funny.

    @Telford, all is forgiven.

    If I've ever clashed with you on these boards in the past, your jokes are disarming me.

    Meanwhile, I bought my daughter a striking handmade shoulder bag from Iraq.

    She said, 'Thanks for the Baghdad.'

    I love a pun
  • This is for@Telford, Please stop me if you’ve heard this one:
    A worried holy man went to see his doctor. He had been fasting a long time and now was very weak and covered all over in skin lesions. “what else can happen?” he asked. After examining him the doctor replied that nothing much else could happen except, he said, “maybe bad breath.” he story got out into the press with the headline:

    “Super-calloused fragile mystic expects halitosis”.

    Boom boom!
  • A dwarf fortune teller was put in prison but managed to escape. This was reported in the newspaper with the headline “Small medium at large”
  • The biggest step in a relationship
    is not the first kiss.
    It's the first fart.
  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    Gramps49 wrote: »
    That is indeed, very, very bad.

  • Gramps49 wrote: »

    When they ascended to the next life they had high net worth.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    Thirty years ago, I was voted “person most likely to hold a grudge” at the staff Christmas party. I’m still really annoyed about that.
  • Spike wrote: »
    Thirty years ago, I was voted “person most likely to hold a grudge” at the staff Christmas party. I’m still really annoyed about that.

    😂
  • Forgive me if this has appeared before ...

    Back home in South Wales a man goes to see the doctor and says, 'I'm at my wits end, Doctor. I don't know why it is but when I go to bed each night I find myself compulsively singing "Delilah."
    Then, when I finally wake up in the morning I'm singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home."

    The doctor thinks for a moment and says, 'Hmmm ... it sounds to me that you've got Tom Jones Syndrome.'
    'What?! Is that rare?'
    'Well, it's Not Unusual ...'
  • Forgive me if this has appeared before ...

    Back home in South Wales a man goes to see the doctor and says, 'I'm at my wits end, Doctor. I don't know why it is but when I go to bed each night I find myself compulsively singing "Delilah."
    Then, when I finally wake up in the morning I'm singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home."

    The doctor thinks for a moment and says, 'Hmmm ... it sounds to me that you've got Tom Jones Syndrome.'
    'What?! Is that rare?'
    'Well, it's Not Unusual ...'

    Boom Boom!
  • RockyRoger wrote: »
    This is for@Telford, Please stop me if you’ve heard this one:
    A worried holy man went to see his doctor. He had been fasting a long time and now was very weak and covered all over in skin lesions. “what else can happen?” he asked. After examining him the doctor replied that nothing much else could happen except, he said, “maybe bad breath.” he story got out into the press with the headline:

    “Super-calloused fragile mystic expects halitosis”.

    Boom boom!
    Love it


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