Two snakes crawling in the jungle,
one snake turns to the other and say's
"Are we poisonous..to which the other
snake replies "Nah" the snake replies
"Thank God for that" the other snake say's "Why" the first snake replies
.
.
.
.
"I have just bitten my lip".
3 hour wait to see Santa yesterday. It cost £8.50. Was with him for only 1 minute and he gave us a rubbish toy. I'm so glad that the kids weren't with me
I am old enough to ermember University Rag Mags. At school, they were gold dust, because they always contained rude jokes. I say rude - risque was probably closer. Anyway, this one has stuck in my mind from those days:
A woman goes into a butchers and asks "Hello. Do you keep dripping?" "Yes ma'am", he answers enthusiastically. "Awkward, isn't it" She says.
It most definitely comes under tasteless jokes, so probably fits here too.
A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid. "Certainly sir," says Jervaise, the waiter. "Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?" "I'll have that little green one with the moustache," says the customer. "Oh no!" replies Jervaise. "But he's my favourite! He's so small and cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?"
"No," says the customer. "It's got to be that one". So Jervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and ... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin! "It's no good' says Jervaise. "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed?' So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. Hans picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and ... once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache. So Hans, too, finds it impossible to kill him. The moral? Hans that does dishes us as soft as Jervaise with mild green hairy-lip squid.
My wife has locked herself in the kitchen in a rage after a massive argument over how miserable and tight I've become since we've been together...She's in there now ripping all our paper plates in half...
This is for@Telford, Please stop me if you’ve heard this one:
A worried holy man went to see his doctor. He had been fasting a long time and now was very weak and covered all over in skin lesions. “what else can happen?” he asked. After examining him the doctor replied that nothing much else could happen except, he said, “maybe bad breath.” he story got out into the press with the headline:
Back home in South Wales a man goes to see the doctor and says, 'I'm at my wits end, Doctor. I don't know why it is but when I go to bed each night I find myself compulsively singing "Delilah."
Then, when I finally wake up in the morning I'm singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home."
The doctor thinks for a moment and says, 'Hmmm ... it sounds to me that you've got Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'What?! Is that rare?'
'Well, it's Not Unusual ...'
Back home in South Wales a man goes to see the doctor and says, 'I'm at my wits end, Doctor. I don't know why it is but when I go to bed each night I find myself compulsively singing "Delilah."
Then, when I finally wake up in the morning I'm singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home."
The doctor thinks for a moment and says, 'Hmmm ... it sounds to me that you've got Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'What?! Is that rare?'
'Well, it's Not Unusual ...'
This is for@Telford, Please stop me if you’ve heard this one:
A worried holy man went to see his doctor. He had been fasting a long time and now was very weak and covered all over in skin lesions. “what else can happen?” he asked. After examining him the doctor replied that nothing much else could happen except, he said, “maybe bad breath.” he story got out into the press with the headline:
Comments
Nothing, it just let out a little wine
one snake turns to the other and say's
"Are we poisonous..to which the other
snake replies "Nah" the snake replies
"Thank God for that" the other snake say's "Why" the first snake replies
.
.
.
.
"I have just bitten my lip".
So he could get his honey for nothing and chips for free...
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
@Martin54
Scott:
I once had an Austin Allegro that did that.
The teacher said "Holder! What are you eating?
Noddy shouted back "It's crisps miss.."
Over my head
'A man was walking by a sewer
Andby that sewer he died,
And at the coroner's inquest
They called if sewercide.'
It's a faux pas.
Meta!
And we thought we were educated.
It most definitely comes under tasteless jokes, so probably fits here too.
"No," says the customer. "It's got to be that one". So Jervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and ... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin! "It's no good' says Jervaise. "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed?' So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. Hans picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and ... once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache. So Hans, too, finds it impossible to kill him. The moral? Hans that does dishes us as soft as Jervaise with mild green hairy-lip squid.
CORRECT
@Telford, all is forgiven.
If I've ever clashed with you on these boards in the past, your jokes are disarming me.
Meanwhile, I bought my daughter a striking handmade shoulder bag from Iraq.
She said, 'Thanks for the Baghdad.'
I love a pun
A worried holy man went to see his doctor. He had been fasting a long time and now was very weak and covered all over in skin lesions. “what else can happen?” he asked. After examining him the doctor replied that nothing much else could happen except, he said, “maybe bad breath.” he story got out into the press with the headline:
“Super-calloused fragile mystic expects halitosis”.
Boom boom!
is not the first kiss.
It's the first fart.
When they ascended to the next life they had high net worth.
😂
Back home in South Wales a man goes to see the doctor and says, 'I'm at my wits end, Doctor. I don't know why it is but when I go to bed each night I find myself compulsively singing "Delilah."
Then, when I finally wake up in the morning I'm singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home."
The doctor thinks for a moment and says, 'Hmmm ... it sounds to me that you've got Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'What?! Is that rare?'
'Well, it's Not Unusual ...'
Boom Boom!