Bad jokes

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  • BroJamesBroJames Purgatory Host
    According to Wikipedia Life the Universe and Everything was first recorded in 2003. While you are undoubtedly correct that The Hitchhiker’s Guide hit radio in 1978 (radio before book) this Wikipedia article does seem to make it clear that Life the Universe and Everything was only broadcast significantly later.
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    edited October 2023
    mousethief wrote: »
    KarlLB wrote: »
    mousethief wrote: »
    In the original British version, it was an award for the "most gratuitous use of the word f*ck in a serious screenplay". The American publisher wouldn't let Adams use the f-word so in the American edition it was replaced with "Belgium".

    It's "Belgium" in the radio play which was the first thing in the franchise.

    The scene in question as I recall is from Life, the Universe and Everything which appeared in book form (1982) long before a radio version was done (2003)

    The radio play premiered in 1978. Check your research.

    The radio version of Life, the Universe and Everything - whence comes the scene with the Rory to which I referred - dates from 2003, first broadcast in 2004. The radio series starting in 1978 ended with Arthur and Ford on prehistoric earth, before the events of LtUaE.

    The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Tertiary Phase, based on Life, the Universe and Everything, ran on BBC Radio 4 from Tuesday 21 September to 26 October 2004, with repeats on the following Thursdays.  Episodes were subtitled "Fit the Thirteenth" through "Fit the Eighteenth". The third novel was adapted by Dirk Maggs, John Langdon and Bruce Hyman following instructions left by Adams. 
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    edited October 2023
    KarlLB wrote: »
    mousethief wrote: »
    In the original British version, it was an award for the "most gratuitous use of the word f*ck in a serious screenplay". The American publisher wouldn't let Adams use the f-word so in the American edition it was replaced with "Belgium".

    It's "Belgium" in the radio play which was the first thing in the franchise.

    The scene in question as I recall is from Life, the Universe and Everything which appeared in book form (1982) long before a radio version was done (2003)

    I can't believe I have found even a minute lacuna in @KarlLB 's Hitch-hiker knowledge but this radio transcript from 1980 has the Belgium joke (in a different context).

    That reference is however nothing to do with the Rory, the award in @la vie en rouge 's post.

    The point in debate is the bowdlerisation of the American version of LtUaE, in which "fuck" is replaced by "Belgium", not the first appearance of the Belgium joke itself. LtUaE did not form part of the original series which were aired from 1978, but was finally made into the Tertiary phase in 2004. As far as LtUaE (and SLaTfAtF and MH) is concerned, the book came first.
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    edited October 2023
    KarlLB wrote: »
    Stuff

    Correction - confusion between books and radio - the original radio series changed the order of things, so Arthur and Ford aren't on prehistoric earth at the end*. However, the substantive point remains - the Rory occurs in LtUaE which is not part of the original radio series, which mostly contains the same elements (in a different order) as the first two books.

    *this actually caused a continuity problem for the Tertiary Phase, the opening of which rather required that they were. It was "resolved" by describing the entire Secondary Phase as being one of Zaphod's psychotic episodes. Not terribly satisfying, to be honest.
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    mousethief wrote: »
    KarlLB wrote: »
    mousethief wrote: »
    In the original British version, it was an award for the "most gratuitous use of the word f*ck in a serious screenplay". The American publisher wouldn't let Adams use the f-word so in the American edition it was replaced with "Belgium".

    It's "Belgium" in the radio play which was the first thing in the franchise.

    The scene in question as I recall is from Life, the Universe and Everything which appeared in book form (1982) long before a radio version was done (2003)

    The radio play premiered in 1978. Check your research.

    Ah but @mousethief the original radio series was only the first two books. I thought the same as you but then I thought "but Karl would never make such a mistake" and then I realised.
  • I feel Douglas would be proud of the onfusion he had caused.

    Also, I do think the Belgium joke was in the UK series, therefore preceeding the Rorys. Not least because I believe there is a point in pne version where Ford is in trouble (holding onto the edge of something), and shouts "Oh Belgium" just before letting go.

    I have a feeling that this is in the TV series that I remember it from, but I think it is also (at least in root) in the books.
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    I feel Douglas would be proud of the onfusion he had caused.

    Also, I do think the Belgium joke was in the UK series, therefore preceeding the Rorys. Not least because I believe there is a point in pne version where Ford is in trouble (holding onto the edge of something), and shouts "Oh Belgium" just before letting go.

    I have a feeling that this is in the TV series that I remember it from, but I think it is also (at least in root) in the books.

    The Belgium joke is. The replacement of "fuck" with "Belgium" however, which is what was being referenced, isn't.
  • la vie en rougela vie en rouge Purgatory Host, Circus Host
    FWIW my source for this was Douglas Adams' own explanation of the differing versions in my complete edition of all five Hitchhiker books.

    But we should probably end the tangent and get bad jokes.
  • What kind of monster loves disco?

    The boogieman.
  • I think there are so many versions, the timelines are like Jeremy Bearimy

    Anyway - bad jokes:

    I am no longer allowed at regattas after I made a mistake about what Cows Week referred to.
  • I think there are so many versions, the timelines are like Jeremy Bearimy

    Anyway - bad jokes:

    I am no longer allowed at regattas after I made a mistake about what Cows Week referred to.

    Nevertheless, let us praise famous men and our fathers at regattas.
  • Why did the vampire need mouthwash?

    Because he had bat breath.
  • EirenistEirenist Shipmate
    edited October 2023
    Where do fish go for scenic tours?
    The Hake District.
    (Apologies for inadvertent double post. Host, feel free to delete previous effort.)

    (Deleted extra post
    jj-HH)
  • What did the fish say when it hit a wall?

    Dam.

    Q: Why did the monster go inside the bar?

    A: For the boos.
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    Heard on local radio:

    There was once a mathematician who despised negative numbers and would do anything at all to avoid using them. He stopped at nothing.
  • There was a grandmother who was watching her grandson playing in the surf. All of the sudden a large wave came over the boy, and he was washed out to sea.

    The Grandmother was so distraught she pleaded, "Please, Please, give me my grandson back."

    A wave came up and dropped the boy where he was playing.

    Grandmother looked up and said, "He had a hat."
  • A man asked God if it was true that to Him, a billion years felt like a second.

    God confirmed that it was true.

    The man then asked if it was also true that to God, a billion dollars was the same as a penny.

    Again, God confirmed this.

    The man then asked if he could have one of those pennies. God replied, “Of course, just give me a second.”
  • How do you cross Russia?

    Steppe by steppe.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    I’ve just heard that over the next 24 hours there will be rane, drissle, litening and clowd. Yes, we’re in for a bad spell of wether.
  • How do you cross Russia?

    Steppe by steppe.

    Reminds me of a joke that was popular when Poland was still under Soviet control.

    Reporter to Polish citizen: "What would you like to see what happens to Poland?"
    Polish citizen: "I would like to see Poland invaded by China."
    Reporter: "Why would you want to be invaded by China?"
    Citizen: "They would have to go through Russia twice."
  • Grandma was taken out for a drive in the cpuntry by her family. They parked the car by a field where the harvest was being reaped and went for a short stroll, leaving te old lady in the car. When they came back they asked if she had been asleep. 'Oh no, she replied, ;It/s been fascinating. You know, I've always wanted to zee one of those concunines at work.;
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    Pope John-Paul II is nearing the end of his life and has a vision of God. "You have had a stressful and burdensome role in this life," says the Lord, "and to ease your anxiety I will answer any three questions that may be troubling you".

    "Lord, I should like to know... will the Church ever again ordain married men?"
    "Well... not in your successor's lifetime".
    "And will the Church ever ordain women?"
    "Well... not in his successor's lifetime".
    "And when will there be another Polish pope?"
    "Well... not in my lifetime"...
  • A sheepdog and a sheep were sharing a drink at a fancy restaurant. The sheepdog says, "What do you mean I'm too controlling?" The sheep replies, "You herd me."
  • DafydDafyd Hell Host
    A chicken walks into a library with a backpack, goes up to the librarian, and says, Bwark book book book book. So the librarian puts four books in the chicken's backpack, and the chicken leaves.
    The next day the chicken comes back with the four books, empties the backpack on the desk, and says, Bwark book book book book, again. So the librarian puts another four books in the backpack and off the chicken goes.
    The next day the chicken comes in just before lunch, with those four books, says, Bwark book book book book, the librarian gives them another four books, and off the chicken goes.
    Now because it's lunchtime the librarian has a lunch break and they're curious what the chicken is doing with these books. So they follow the chicken out of the library, down the road, across the road to the other side, into the park and all the way to the pond. And in the pond is a frog. The chicken drops the backpack, and the books fall out, and the frog says, Reddit reddit, reddit reddit.
  • An elderly couple was flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.” Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Did we pay the car bill this month?” “No,” she responds.
    Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?” “Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the cheque,” she says. “One last thing, did you remember to pay the tax bill?
    “Oh, forgive me,” begged the wife. “I didn’t send that one, either.” The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “What was the hug for?” The husband answers, “They’ll find us!”
  • RockyRogerRockyRoger Shipmate
    edited October 2023
    May I remind Telford this is for BAD jokes? That was a corker!
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    edited October 2023
    I received my water and electricity bills in the post today. I opened them both at the same time.





    I was shocked
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    But Gramps, everyone knows that tabby cats rule the world.

    At least according to to Woo, Tig and Aroha - the three have had the honour of serving.
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    This Trump supporter dies and finds himself on the Up escalator. On reaching the pearly gates, he's issued his harp and wings and pointed to his allocated cloud. As he heads off, he asks St Peter "One thing - I've always wondered. Did Trump really win? Was it a fix?".

    St Peter says "no, no fix. He lost fair and square"

    "Wow!" says the Trump supporter. "This thing goes right up to the top!"
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate
  • Pinched from a friend on f/b:

    I was driving down a country road when I was passed by a man on a tractor who shouted “The end of the world is nigh”
    I guess he was Farmer Geddon.
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    What did zero say to eight?

    "Nice belt!"
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    What did zero say to eight?

    "Nice belt!"

    10 is very afraid of 7. Because 7 8 9.
  • ArethosemyfeetArethosemyfeet Shipmate, Heaven Host
    KarlLB wrote: »
    What did zero say to eight?

    "Nice belt!"

    10 is very afraid of 7. Because 7 8 9.

    Why did 8 not want to lie on the therapist's couch? Because he'd be there forever. ∞
  • Have you heard of the movie Constipation?

    It hasn't come out yet.
  • After getting all of the Pope’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb 'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?' 'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'They never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.' 'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. 'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.
    Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 155miles/hr
    'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 155 mph. 'So bust him,' says the Chief. 'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop. The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!' 'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: 'A
    MP?'
    Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
    Cop: 'Bigger.' 'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?' Cop: 'I think it's God!' The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?' Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'..................
  • ArethosemyfeetArethosemyfeet Shipmate, Heaven Host
    edited October 2023
    Now, @Telford , how many times do we have to tell you? This is the thread for bad jokes. :lol:
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    Gramps49 wrote: »
    Have you heard of the movie Constipation?

    It hasn't come out yet.

    Have you heard the one about the constipated accountant?

    He had to work it out with a pencil.
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  • ArethosemyfeetArethosemyfeet Shipmate, Heaven Host
    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    Ah, a Pratchett special.
  • Gramps49 wrote: »

    Well really!
    Nice one .....
  • A local baker regularly donates the day's unsold loave to tthe food bank. He says it is the yeast he can do to help out.
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    What is a chicken's favourite unit of light intensity?
    The Klux!

    (invented by TQtastic-let#1 after playing with the light-meter)
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    Time flies like an arrow. Time Lords like a Tardis.
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    edited October 2023
    mousethief wrote: »
    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    Time flies like an arrow. Time Lords like a Tardis.

    Time flies like an arrow. But time wasps like a spear.
  • ArethosemyfeetArethosemyfeet Shipmate, Heaven Host
    I just found out why only the true king could pull the sword from the stone.

    No one else had Arthurisation.
  • *groan*
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