Bad jokes

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  • RockyRogerRockyRoger Shipmate
    edited September 2023
    Sorry, I still don't understand it - where is this joke teased out? No offence taken (teasing is fine) , you understand, but could the stammering joke be explained?
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    I thought Arethosemyfeet had already explained it
  • Spike wrote: »
    I thought Arethosemyfeet had already explained it
    Not really. Case closed ....

  • jedijudyjedijudy Heaven Host
    Thank you for catching and spoiler-tagging that, @Doublethink. jj-HH

    Why is a garden of legumes a restful place to be? Because of the peas!

  • What did the first-aider do with the gingerbread man's injured head?

    Tried icing it...
  • Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise party.
  • After 45 years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye he says "Annabel before I die I have to tell you something". She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it?"
    He starts, "The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health." To which the wife nods her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going.
    When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the shop, you were right by my side the whole time. Annabel You've been through everything with me." Bernie says,
    "So before I die I just want you to know that you're a jinx!"
  • jedijudyjedijudy Heaven Host
    Heard at lunch today...

    Q. What do you call a woman who stands in the middle of a tennis court?
    A. A net.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

    To visit his flatmate
  • jedijudy wrote: »
    Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

    So they can hide in the cherry trees. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

    It works!

    What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
    Giraffes 🦒 eating cherries.
  • RockyRoger wrote: »
    No offence ..... !

    Perhaps you can make it up to Hedgehog by giving them their favourite food.
    Prickled onions.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    Why did the Belgian hedgehog cross the road?

    Because there’s bugger-all else to do in Belgium
  • At a couples counseling meeting the speaker said couples are so disconnected 85% of the husbands do not know their wife's favorite flower.

    Mick turned and whispered to his wife: "It's self-raising, isn't it?"
  • Gramps49 wrote: »
    At a couples counseling meeting the speaker said couples are so disconnected 85% of the husbands do not know their wife's favorite flower.

    Mick turned and whispered to his wife: "It's self-raising, isn't it?"

    Good joke, but couldn't help wondering if it is a 'Carry-on-esque' double entendre .....
  • BAD MATHS JOKE INVENTED BY COLLEAGUE INCOMING

    A young woman falls for a maths nerd and to win his heart pretends to be a virtual AI. But he discovers the truth and becomes angry: "I thought you were imaginary, but you're real!" he says.

    "That's because I only have i-s for you..."
  • Then there was the Starship which flew straight into a black hole because the captain failed to appreciate the gravity of the situation.
  • True confession

    I would take a bullet for my wife, but I would criticize the way she takes me to hospital.
  • KarlLB wrote: »
    Then there was the Starship which flew straight into a black hole because the captain failed to appreciate the gravity of the situation.

    Good joke!
  • Spike wrote: »
    Why did the Belgian hedgehog cross the road?

    Because there’s bugger-all else to do in Belgium

    I was only listening yesterday to an old John Finnemore Souvenir Programme where it was pointed out that to the Anglophone ear the name "Belgium" is inherently funny because of the sounds.
  • A farmer's daughter and a farmer's son were married the other day. Instead of lighting a Unity Candle, they poured a little cream from their respective dairies into the same bowl.

    They were cream mated.
  • Gee DGee D Shipmate
    edited September 2023
    KarlLB wrote: »
    Spike wrote: »
    Why did the Belgian hedgehog cross the road?

    Because there’s bugger-all else to do in Belgium

    I was only listening yesterday to an old John Finnemore Souvenir Programme where it was pointed out that to the Anglophone ear the name "Belgium" is inherently funny because of the sounds.

    Thanks to your post, we now know who John Finnemore is - no recollection of hearing of him before. But what is there in the sounds of the name Belgium that makes it inherently funny, more than the sounds in the name England? Or the sound of Shropshire?
  • Today, a young woman knocked on my door. She asked for a small donation for the swimming pool. I gave her a glass of water. I love supporting the local community.
  • ArethosemyfeetArethosemyfeet Shipmate, Heaven Host
    Gee D wrote: »
    KarlLB wrote: »
    Spike wrote: »
    Why did the Belgian hedgehog cross the road?

    Because there’s bugger-all else to do in Belgium

    I was only listening yesterday to an old John Finnemore Souvenir Programme where it was pointed out that to the Anglophone ear the name "Belgium" is inherently funny because of the sounds.

    Thanks to your post, we now know who John Finnemore is - no recollection of hearing of him before. But what is there in the sounds of the name Belgium that makes it inherently funny, more than the sounds in the name England? Or the sound of Shropshire?

    Sounds a bit like... bum! [/Prince George in Blackadder]
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    Gee D wrote: »
    KarlLB wrote: »
    Spike wrote: »
    Why did the Belgian hedgehog cross the road?

    Because there’s bugger-all else to do in Belgium

    I was only listening yesterday to an old John Finnemore Souvenir Programme where it was pointed out that to the Anglophone ear the name "Belgium" is inherently funny because of the sounds.

    Thanks to your post, we now know who John Finnemore is - no recollection of hearing of him before. But what is there in the sounds of the name Belgium that makes it inherently funny, more than the sounds in the name England? Or the sound of Shropshire?

    Sounds a bit like... bum! [/Prince George in Blackadder]

    It wasn’t Prince George, it was a character in the drinking episode in Blackadder II, also played by Hugh Laurie
  • Gee D wrote: »
    KarlLB wrote: »
    Spike wrote: »
    Why did the Belgian hedgehog cross the road?

    Because there’s bugger-all else to do in Belgium

    I was only listening yesterday to an old John Finnemore Souvenir Programme where it was pointed out that to the Anglophone ear the name "Belgium" is inherently funny because of the sounds.

    Thanks to your post, we now know who John Finnemore is - no recollection of hearing of him before. But what is there in the sounds of the name Belgium that makes it inherently funny, more than the sounds in the name England? Or the sound of Shropshire?

    It's the plosive B followed by the "jum" ending. There are so many silly ways of saying it by emphasising one, the other, or both. Try using a clear L instead of a dark L in the middle as well.

    Well, OK, but you have to remember it gets dark really early here in Winter.
  • ArethosemyfeetArethosemyfeet Shipmate, Heaven Host
    Spike wrote: »
    Gee D wrote: »
    KarlLB wrote: »
    Spike wrote: »
    Why did the Belgian hedgehog cross the road?

    Because there’s bugger-all else to do in Belgium

    I was only listening yesterday to an old John Finnemore Souvenir Programme where it was pointed out that to the Anglophone ear the name "Belgium" is inherently funny because of the sounds.

    Thanks to your post, we now know who John Finnemore is - no recollection of hearing of him before. But what is there in the sounds of the name Belgium that makes it inherently funny, more than the sounds in the name England? Or the sound of Shropshire?

    Sounds a bit like... bum! [/Prince George in Blackadder]

    It wasn’t Prince George, it was a character in the drinking episode in Blackadder II, also played by Hugh Laurie

    Ah, thank you! I had a niggling doubt about the attribution.
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    Wasn't there a joke about Belgium in The Hitch-Hikers' Guide to the Galaxy? One of the sound versions) In my mind I can hear the word in one of the actors voices.
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    edited September 2023
    Huia wrote: »
    Wasn't there a joke about Belgium in The Hitch-Hikers' Guide to the Galaxy? One of the sound versions) In my mind I can hear the word in one of the actors voices.

    It's the rudest word in the Galaxy, banned everywhere except Earth where it's the name of a country.

    Apparently we can't possibly know what it means.
  • This cowboy walked into the German car showroom and said "Audi"
  • If you want an ark, I noah guy.
  • @Telford @Gramps49 I enjoyed both of those! Thanks.
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    Thanks Karl, that's the kind of thing that gets into my head and drives me nuts if I can't recall the context - and I apologise for my bad language to any extra-terrestial life forms reading this thread.
  • la vie en rougela vie en rouge Purgatory Host, Circus Host
    In the original British version, it was an award for the "most gratuitous use of the word f*ck in a serious screenplay". The American publisher wouldn't let Adams use the f-word so in the American edition it was replaced with "Belgium".
  • Telford wrote: »
    This cowboy walked into the German car showroom and said "Audi"

    I can't believe I have never heard this awesome joke before
  • Gramps49 wrote: »
    If you want an ark, I noah guy.

    If you want a narky guy I noah one
  • How does Moses make his tea?

    Hebrews it.

    No, that's Israeli true.

  • Thank you for the compliment, @questioning.
  • What was Adam and Eve’s greatest mistake?

    Cheating on their diet.
  • Is it true that Luther was in trouble after a diet of worms?
  • Since it is the advent of Halloween:

    Did you hear about the gloomy jack-o'-lantern? It needed to lighten up.
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    edited September 2023
    In the original British version, it was an award for the "most gratuitous use of the word f*ck in a serious screenplay". The American publisher wouldn't let Adams use the f-word so in the American edition it was replaced with "Belgium".

    That was the Rory, which they found at a flying party just after Arthur learnt to fly. It was also the Silver Bail making up part of the Wicket Key to unlock the planet Krikkit.

    Cricket is why the Earth is shunned by the rest of the galaxy. 10 grillion guys zilched out in the Krikkit Wars and the English, here on Earth, see fit to make a game about it.
  • Half way through the morning shift the manager of the warehouse noticed one of his men was crying. “What’s wrong Brian?” he asked. ” It’s my father,” said Brian. I got a phone call this morning to say he’d died.” “Oh that’s terrible,” replied the manager. “Why don’t you take the rest of the day off.” “That’s very kind of you, sir, but no thanks. It’s easier to keep working.” A couple of hours later, the manager was concerned to see that Brian was crying again.
    “What’s happened?” he asked. ” I’ve just had a phone call from my brother and his father has died as well,” replied Brian, wiping his eyes..................
  • In the original British version, it was an award for the "most gratuitous use of the word f*ck in a serious screenplay". The American publisher wouldn't let Adams use the f-word so in the American edition it was replaced with "Belgium".

    It's "Belgium" in the radio play which was the first thing in the franchise.
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    mousethief wrote: »
    In the original British version, it was an award for the "most gratuitous use of the word f*ck in a serious screenplay". The American publisher wouldn't let Adams use the f-word so in the American edition it was replaced with "Belgium".

    It's "Belgium" in the radio play which was the first thing in the franchise.

    The scene in question as I recall is from Life, the Universe and Everything which appeared in book form (1982) long before a radio version was done (2003)
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    Douglas Adams fans - I have just borrowed a recently published book from the library. 42 The wildly Improbable Ideas of Douglas Adams Edited by Kevin Jon Davies. It's a hardback weighing 1918gms.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

    First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
    As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

    Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

    Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is
    attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

    He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.

    As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

    Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to
    anotherlion and says "What's the food like here?"
    The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had ....
    Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees😂
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    KarlLB wrote: »
    mousethief wrote: »
    In the original British version, it was an award for the "most gratuitous use of the word f*ck in a serious screenplay". The American publisher wouldn't let Adams use the f-word so in the American edition it was replaced with "Belgium".

    It's "Belgium" in the radio play which was the first thing in the franchise.

    The scene in question as I recall is from Life, the Universe and Everything which appeared in book form (1982) long before a radio version was done (2003)

    I can't believe I have found even a minute lacuna in @KarlLB 's Hitch-hiker knowledge but this radio transcript from 1980 has the Belgium joke (in a different context).
  • Love that, @Spike
  • What is a mummy's favorite music genre?

    Wrap.
  • KarlLB wrote: »
    mousethief wrote: »
    In the original British version, it was an award for the "most gratuitous use of the word f*ck in a serious screenplay". The American publisher wouldn't let Adams use the f-word so in the American edition it was replaced with "Belgium".

    It's "Belgium" in the radio play which was the first thing in the franchise.

    The scene in question as I recall is from Life, the Universe and Everything which appeared in book form (1982) long before a radio version was done (2003)

    The radio play premiered in 1978. Check your research.
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