In the end, I think the best thing is to focus on yourself and be yourself, single. It's where you are. You can't properly offer someone love without first being grounded in your own love.
That seems important; I have read stuff like that before, quite often, but I don't really understand what it means. (It also might be relevant enough to this thread to continue the discussion here?).
I can think of quite a few important-to-me things which, before their emotional truth (as opposed to rational understanding? I'm groping a bit here) somehow 'clicked' for me, mystified or even irritated me as jargon - but which now feel more like efficient technical vocab (a sense borrowed from working life) for otherwise hard-to-describe experience or knowledge. Quite a bit of my faith now feels like that.
I think this might be one of those things too, but I don't really know how to get started on it. I'm attached to what I think is a healthy self-scepticism - I'm in no doubt what I need to be saved from, which feels OK mainly because I also feel the reality of that ongoing salvation (now - it wasn't always like that, see above). Being 'grounded in my own love' sounds like something almost smug running counter to that, but I suspect I'm confused here. I do know that spikey defensive people make poor partners, because I/we have a lot of personal history there. So what is the grounding in ones own love which isn't smug?
I'm inclined to read / interpret not so much as a kind of smug 'sef-love' in a narcissistic kind of way - as I don't think @Bullfrog intended it that way - but more in terms of self-acceptance and acceptance of our lot.
As in, 'I'm single. That's where I'm at. Let's make the most of being that way. Then, if circumstances change I'd be in a better position to face that as I'm not down and desperate or despairing over what might have been.'
Something like that.
Which isn't to say that it's easy in some kind of woo-woo self-help positive thinking kind of way.
Rather it's an acceptance of where we are and who we are and God's grace towards us in whatever condition of life we find ourselves.
Not easy to say if we have an accident and are in traction or have a debilitating health condition or have lost loved ones or ...
I think it does sound smug to start with, if you're used to what you are calling a healthy self-scepticism. Having been there myself, the important thing is to look at that scepticism and interrogate it. Is it healthy, or is it stopping you from valuing things about yourself? Do you put the task of valuing you entirely in others' hands? I did. For me, the vital step is to accept myself as God's greatest gift to me. Not to everyone else, but to me. Having done that, everything else can follow.
Perhaps that needs a little amplification. I'm not, I don't think, talking about regarding yourself as the greatest possible expression of God's creative nature. I'm talking about seeing what you have been given, and treating it as valuable in itself, and loveable in itself. We are all different, and this is neither a mistake nor a coincidence.
In the end, I think the best thing is to focus on yourself and be yourself, single. It's where you are. You can't properly offer someone love without first being grounded in your own love.
That seems important; I have read stuff like that before, quite often, but I don't really understand what it means. (It also might be relevant enough to this thread to continue the discussion here?).
I can think of quite a few important-to-me things which, before their emotional truth (as opposed to rational understanding? I'm groping a bit here) somehow 'clicked' for me, mystified or even irritated me as jargon - but which now feel more like efficient technical vocab (a sense borrowed from working life) for otherwise hard-to-describe experience or knowledge. Quite a bit of my faith now feels like that.
I think this might be one of those things too, but I don't really know how to get started on it. I'm attached to what I think is a healthy self-scepticism - I'm in no doubt what I need to be saved from, which feels OK mainly because I also feel the reality of that ongoing salvation (now - it wasn't always like that, see above). Being 'grounded in my own love' sounds like something almost smug running counter to that, but I suspect I'm confused here. I do know that spikey defensive people make poor partners, because I/we have a lot of personal history there. So what is the grounding in ones own love which isn't smug?
What ThunderBunk said.
I'm tiptoeing in here and hoping you folks don't mind (I'll go away again right quick). Part of love is knowing--really knowing--the person you love. And acting to provide care that addresses whatever lacks, difficulties, deficiencies may exist in that person, without scolding, making a big to-do about it, or being overly focused on it. Just "okay, Mr. Lamb is never going to be able to tell the difference between a good garden plant and a weed, so what can I do quietly to prevent him uprooting all the expensive things we planted last year?" And then doing the thing (which might be, "put plastic markers at the base of each good plant and tell him not to pull up anything with a marker). And then I move on, and stop ruminating on the problem.
Transfer that to love of oneself. LC has a tendency to way talk too much, and all the evidence suggests she (me) is never going to get over it in this life. So, knowing this about myself, what actions can I take to mitigate the problem without either beating myself up about it or pretending it's not an issue?
And then I choose the best of those ideas--off the top of my head, it might be something like "put her in charge of answering phones at work and dealing with constituents' questions and problems"--and then go on, leaving this issue to deal with itself for a while. The way I would with Mr. Lamb. I wouldn't go on beating him up. Why should I do that to myself, if I'm learning to love myself in a healthy way?
And if I learn to treat myself with common sense and gentleness, even in my deficiencies, that's great preparation for how I treat a possible partner and their own issues. It also means I'm less likely to demand that my partner somehow make up for my deficiencies and lacks, as I'm already attending to those.
So what is the grounding in ones own love which isn't smug?
If you want a sharp response, it means being comfortable in some kind of relationship you already have so you don't become desperate and clingy.
People who aren't grounded, which is exactly what I'm thinking of in a past version of me, are people who - seeking love - will practically pursue other individuals like targets. They're effectively predators, turning love into a game. If you don't have love, you have to find it, and to find it, you have to pursue it. And if you're not careful, you'll start encouraging certain kinds of violence as seduction becomes sport. You try to coerce or manipulate love out of people.
If you have love, you can offer it. And I think that's healthier.
I have been reflecting more on that experience and what was undeniably attractive about that crush - who was undeniably attractive, I'll admit - was that they saw me honestly for who I was. That was what got my attention. The relationship was authentic and serious when we saw each other, not when we were trying to "love" each other. In a certain sense, we did. It just wasn't a space and time when romance was really an option and - frankly - I wasn't emotionally in a good space even if I wished I were. I was trying to force myself to be something I wasn't.
You can't see someone else that way if you don't first see yourself.
Thanks. And prayers for all who post here whose circumstances may be different to those expressed by the bereaved or the divorced or those alone for other reasons.
@Lamb Chopped and @Bullfrog I 'get' what you're saying here, I think and certainly wouldn't tell either of you to sling your hooks.
People say some glib things at times but you aren't.
Thanks. And prayers for all who post here whose circumstances may be different to those expressed by the bereaved or the divorced or those alone for other reasons.
@Lamb Chopped and @Bullfrog I 'get' what you're saying here, I think and certainly wouldn't tell either of you to sling your hooks.
People say some glib things at times but you aren't.
Shucks. I can be rather glib sometimes, but that is very not the space I'm in now.
For my part, thanks for the thoughts expressed in this thread by everyone. I have some work to do here, and this has been an encouragement to find a way to start it.
I am fairly desperate and clingy, but some how I've managed to control it, and also my wife doesn't seem to mind. There are many varieties, aren't there?
It's the match that helps. I know that my own insecurities mean I have a pattern of looking for needs in my partner (friend, etc) and then meeting them as much s possible so they won't abandon me. That is not ideally healthy, but it will do for a few years as long as I'm matched with someone who has real needs but also enough integrity not to abuse or devour me. Eventually, hopefully, we'll both grow into a healthier way of relating.
It's the match that helps. I know that my own insecurities mean I have a pattern of looking for needs in my partner (friend, etc) and then meeting them as much s possible so they won't abandon me. That is not ideally healthy, but it will do for a few years as long as I'm matched with someone who has real needs but also enough integrity not to abuse or devour me. Eventually, hopefully, we'll both grow into a healthier way of relating.
Yeah, I can relate to this experience. I think my version was not having enough self worth to think anyone else could find me worthwhile, so I'd attach very firmly to the first person who came along and then build my life around them.
I think I'm growing past that, finally. But it's a bit of work.
Comments
Thank you ❤️ I am doing better now. ❤️
❤️❤️❤️
Prayers.
@Bullfrog - you mentioned @Gwai in your post so I don't know whether it was addressed to them or my post about the break-up.
Either way I found it helpful.
Aw, thanks. Gwai is my spouse, I was tagging them as a reference point. So I was addressing that to you and I'm glad that's helpful.
That seems important; I have read stuff like that before, quite often, but I don't really understand what it means. (It also might be relevant enough to this thread to continue the discussion here?).
I can think of quite a few important-to-me things which, before their emotional truth (as opposed to rational understanding? I'm groping a bit here) somehow 'clicked' for me, mystified or even irritated me as jargon - but which now feel more like efficient technical vocab (a sense borrowed from working life) for otherwise hard-to-describe experience or knowledge. Quite a bit of my faith now feels like that.
I think this might be one of those things too, but I don't really know how to get started on it. I'm attached to what I think is a healthy self-scepticism - I'm in no doubt what I need to be saved from, which feels OK mainly because I also feel the reality of that ongoing salvation (now - it wasn't always like that, see above). Being 'grounded in my own love' sounds like something almost smug running counter to that, but I suspect I'm confused here. I do know that spikey defensive people make poor partners, because I/we have a lot of personal history there. So what is the grounding in ones own love which isn't smug?
As in, 'I'm single. That's where I'm at. Let's make the most of being that way. Then, if circumstances change I'd be in a better position to face that as I'm not down and desperate or despairing over what might have been.'
Something like that.
Which isn't to say that it's easy in some kind of woo-woo self-help positive thinking kind of way.
Rather it's an acceptance of where we are and who we are and God's grace towards us in whatever condition of life we find ourselves.
Not easy to say if we have an accident and are in traction or have a debilitating health condition or have lost loved ones or ...
Perhaps that needs a little amplification. I'm not, I don't think, talking about regarding yourself as the greatest possible expression of God's creative nature. I'm talking about seeing what you have been given, and treating it as valuable in itself, and loveable in itself. We are all different, and this is neither a mistake nor a coincidence.
What ThunderBunk said.
I'm tiptoeing in here and hoping you folks don't mind (I'll go away again right quick). Part of love is knowing--really knowing--the person you love. And acting to provide care that addresses whatever lacks, difficulties, deficiencies may exist in that person, without scolding, making a big to-do about it, or being overly focused on it. Just "okay, Mr. Lamb is never going to be able to tell the difference between a good garden plant and a weed, so what can I do quietly to prevent him uprooting all the expensive things we planted last year?" And then doing the thing (which might be, "put plastic markers at the base of each good plant and tell him not to pull up anything with a marker). And then I move on, and stop ruminating on the problem.
Transfer that to love of oneself. LC has a tendency to way talk too much, and all the evidence suggests she (me) is never going to get over it in this life. So, knowing this about myself, what actions can I take to mitigate the problem without either beating myself up about it or pretending it's not an issue?
And then I choose the best of those ideas--off the top of my head, it might be something like "put her in charge of answering phones at work and dealing with constituents' questions and problems"--and then go on, leaving this issue to deal with itself for a while. The way I would with Mr. Lamb. I wouldn't go on beating him up. Why should I do that to myself, if I'm learning to love myself in a healthy way?
And if I learn to treat myself with common sense and gentleness, even in my deficiencies, that's great preparation for how I treat a possible partner and their own issues. It also means I'm less likely to demand that my partner somehow make up for my deficiencies and lacks, as I'm already attending to those.
People who aren't grounded, which is exactly what I'm thinking of in a past version of me, are people who - seeking love - will practically pursue other individuals like targets. They're effectively predators, turning love into a game. If you don't have love, you have to find it, and to find it, you have to pursue it. And if you're not careful, you'll start encouraging certain kinds of violence as seduction becomes sport. You try to coerce or manipulate love out of people.
If you have love, you can offer it. And I think that's healthier.
I have been reflecting more on that experience and what was undeniably attractive about that crush - who was undeniably attractive, I'll admit - was that they saw me honestly for who I was. That was what got my attention. The relationship was authentic and serious when we saw each other, not when we were trying to "love" each other. In a certain sense, we did. It just wasn't a space and time when romance was really an option and - frankly - I wasn't emotionally in a good space even if I wished I were. I was trying to force myself to be something I wasn't.
You can't see someone else that way if you don't first see yourself.
@Lamb Chopped and @Bullfrog I 'get' what you're saying here, I think and certainly wouldn't tell either of you to sling your hooks.
People say some glib things at times but you aren't.
Shucks. I can be rather glib sometimes, but that is very not the space I'm in now.
Yeah, I can relate to this experience. I think my version was not having enough self worth to think anyone else could find me worthwhile, so I'd attach very firmly to the first person who came along and then build my life around them.
I think I'm growing past that, finally. But it's a bit of work.