I am usually quite happy alone. I have ummed and ahhed about posting that here, I do not mean to upset those for whom loneliness is prevalent, so forgive me for any unintended offence, but I came to the conclusion late last year I've been kidding myself in my hermit independence. I have moments of loneliness. Self-imposed, often, not exclusively.
I had a chat with someone over lunch at a parish I visited yesterday (thank you parishioners of St Nicholas, Punchbowl, Sydney, who were on retreat for an awesome spread...) and, cautiously, we clicked. The place is 4 hours away, though he on occasion comes up here. I'm trying not to get excited, who knows... But staying behind when part of me wanted to be on the road alone with my podcasts had a benefit yesterday. And maybe in the future.
I dip in here from time to time, I hope that is OK. I wanted to observe that I have three close-ish friends, and all have resulted from 'about something' acquaintances, where the circumstances of the original connection have now dissipated but where the friendship remains. It is odd, as we only really connect at the points we touch, and in most dimensions are utterly dissimilar, not least politically which is causing me a bit of head-scratching at the moment. But there it is - this is a short post to recommend 'about something' acquaintances where, circumstances permitting, an odd friendship may develop.
I'd also welcome prayers (since I doubt anyone will have advice) for my elderly father who, 18 months after Mum's death, tells me he feels alone and 'misses female company'. He's a bit of a vain man in some ways and adventures in this direction could, I think, leave him vulnerable to flattery and exploitation (he's losing memory and competence, but still does OK on his own 200 miles away with regular visits from / to my sister and I). On the upside he finds it hard to move without farting, which might mitigate against his new idea.
...It is odd, as we only really connect at the points we touch, and in most dimensions are utterly dissimilar, not least politically which is causing me a bit of head-scratching at the moment...
I had something similar earlier this month when I went away with friends and their friends. The political discussions were interesting. I'm not so ignorant as to believe my opinions have not changed, or that "I am right and my view is the only one", but it was interesting to be discussing things, political being one, and have significant irreconcilable views. I don't recall that before; some differences , but not many. I guess it's good we can accept differences, though a friend of my friend got a bit testy with me at one point (the fault was probably mine...I am not always clear) over what I thought was rather minor compared to other discussions -- but we are all different.
I dip in here from time to time, I hope that is OK. I wanted to observe that I have three close-ish friends, and all have resulted from 'about something' acquaintances, where the circumstances of the original connection have now dissipated but where the friendship remains. It is odd, as we only really connect at the points we touch, and in most dimensions are utterly dissimilar, not least politically which is causing me a bit of head-scratching at the moment. But there it is - this is a short post to recommend 'about something' acquaintances where, circumstances permitting, an odd friendship may develop.
I'd also welcome prayers (since I doubt anyone will have advice) for my elderly father who, 18 months after Mum's death, tells me he feels alone and 'misses female company'. He's a bit of a vain man in some ways and adventures in this direction could, I think, leave him vulnerable to flattery and exploitation (he's losing memory and competence, but still does OK on his own 200 miles away with regular visits from / to my sister and I). On the upside he finds it hard to move without farting, which might mitigate against his new idea.
I'm used to being solitary and pretty good at it, which is just as well as ordination seemed to somehow mark the end of any serious possibility of relationships. Haven't quite figured out how and why, but there you go. I never ruled out having a partner - just seems to have worked our that way. I've only ever suffered from loneliness during one particular period of my post-ordination working life. But since then have really quite enjoyed being single and unattached, recognizing that I've gotten more selfish in my habits as I've become older. I've had the odd foray on the dating field - even quite recently. But old age and peculiar job aside, I've all but accepted that my health eliminates the possibility of any hope of personal relationship. So I'm grateful for what I have in my life, which is much to be for thankful for. I've never regretted my vocational choices, and have enjoyed many blessings.
My next big thought on 'alone' is what happens when I retire, should I manage to live that long! Do I return to my home-place and to taking up family again, along with responsibilities and meeting expectations, being accountable to my loved ones? Or continue alone, in my own little special nest, away from my native soil, suiting myself; happy to take the trade off, of guilt-free, peaceful solitude over being with much loved family members, knowing that that will have its demands and irritations! Besides what does the younger generation want or need with a cranky, weird old bird turning up, cramping their style. They're all in the will anyway!
New breaking out of shell thingy: Saturday night there is a post-Valentine’s Day event at my local gay bar, with food and musical entertainment. And people who are actually looking forward to seeing me, which is a kind of novel thing (in my mind). They encourage dressing in red and white (“Red, White and You” is the name of the event), but it’s not required.
Having people who actively want to see me is a concept I struggle with.
@ChastMastr I hope it goes, or went well (I have difficulty with time zones).
I know it's different, but I for one was pleased when I saw you back on the Ship. We may disagree at times, but differences in opinion are what keeps the Ship sailing.
@ChastMastr I hope it goes, or went well (I have difficulty with time zones).
I know it's different, but I for one was pleased when I saw you back on the Ship. We may disagree at times, but differences in opinion are what keeps the Ship sailing.
🥰🥰🥰
(Thank you, by the way, for that. I’ve been struggling…)
It went well! And I got some good chatting in with a couple of guys I hope to get to know further. The event was partly in honor of the deceased partner of a local guy—they were together for 26 years and he passed in November (oh boy do I ever relate—four years ago feels like yesterday). The event was technically not at a bar but a local LGBTQ community center, which occasionally acts like a bar, but doesn’t always have alcohol. After the hurricanes here last year, they’ve been involved in helping people who’ve lost their homes and other fundraising.
May I ask for some advice. Sorry if I'm sharing too much.
I wrote back in January that I got talking with someone after church at a parish I visited. We caught up a few weeks later coffee, which turned into an entire afternoon spent together. We texted, even called a few times.
Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. I messaged him I was nearby. He texted he was busy. I, misunderstood the phrase he used, and asked if he didn't want me to come down. He replied he was busy. And gave me advice on where to stay.
The next day I was asked by a school to come in on Monday. This made it impossible for me to see him due to the travel involved. I let him know. Silence. Two days later the school changed the time I should come in, which made it possible, challenging, but possible, for me to go down* [I was staying in Sydney at the time: I get not all will know times/distances, so I won't give towns/cities]. Silence. On Forgiveness Sunday, a day we traditionally ask others for forgiveness before Great Lent, I SMSed again. Nothing.
I do not need an answer. He owes me nothing. I hope I'm not so vain as to think that. But this sudden turn around confuses me. Look: we knew each other for a month. These things may fizzle out I suppose. My first thought was I offended him. And if I haven't overshared already, let me do more. I had a crap time in school. Absolutely crap. I had friends I saw at school, 3 in high school I hung around with at recess/lunch [break times], never went to their place [except twice in 6 years]; but also endured much teasing, much cruel teasing [I would've preferred a punch in the face: would've been over quicker], and someone who, looking back it was blindingly obvious, was using me for help for homework and dumped me [platonic; not romantic] after Year 12. I am not perfect. I have many faults. So I try not to judge. But this has impacted me. It has made me untrustworthy. It has made me deeply believe I am not worthy of anyone's friendship. It has caused me to live a life alone. 30 years later. I am a slow learner.
So, with this swirling around in my head. Maybe I offended him. Maybe I annoy him. Maybe he is undergoing some personal struggle. Maybe he's busy and forgot. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
I wrote to his priest, whom I know, saying he does not need to talk to me but I was hoping he was okay. He wrote back, "Thank you."
Do I SMS again? Or do I just leave it?
Thanks.
* you may wonder why I didn't ask to meet another day; I should have. I moved 4 hours or so north after some verbal agreements that I could do my placement. After I got here, silence. I rang, I emailed. Silence. I got in touch with every school [for a city of 25,000 there are quite a few]: 45 mins north/south even. Some said no; others yes -- then silence. When this opportunity came, I thought grab it and make it as easy for them as possible: just do what they want! Turns out they couldn't take me for staffing reasons, so...what a waste I suppose.
[sorry; on the life alone -- bad phrase. I do have friends. Good friends. I see occasionally. I meant I spend a lot of time alone: holidays [vacations]; bushwalking [hiking]; theatre; lunch/dinner; leave church, when I go, straightaway most times [my first Orthodox parish was a godsend; a stereotype, I am sure anti-social Arabs exist but they almost all greatly encouraged me to stay behind, to catch up...and wouldn't take "No" at times...]; etc.]
@Climacus: To sum up:
You text, he's busy.
You text, he's busy.
You text, silence.
You text, silence.
You text, silence.
You write to his priest, whose reply doesn't answer your question and doesn't invite conversation.
Leave it, and move on. You've given him plenty of opportunities to respond, and he hasn't. It can be hard to just let something go that seemed promising when you don't know why the other person isn't responding, but all you can know is that he is not responding. He might be too busy, he might have decided he's not interested, he might have met someone else -- you don't and can't know.
People do this all the time. It is not a reflection on you or your worth as a friend or potential partner. It's just part of life.
Thanks @Ruth When you lay it out like that, it is clear [one thing, among many, I have valued about you and your posts since I came aboard 23+ years ago is your directness and clarity]. Thank you.
Yes. it sucks but it really isn’t a reflection on you. Speaking from personal experience, it sometimes isn’t even ABOUT you at all, though it feels that way. (I’ve got more than one of these relationships in my own history.)
@Climacus: To sum up:
You text, he's busy.
You text, he's busy.
You text, silence.
You text, silence.
You text, silence.
You write to his priest, whose reply doesn't answer your question and doesn't invite conversation.
Leave it, and move on. You've given him plenty of opportunities to respond, and he hasn't. It can be hard to just let something go that seemed promising when you don't know why the other person isn't responding, but all you can know is that he is not responding. He might be too busy, he might have decided he's not interested, he might have met someone else -- you don't and can't know.
People do this all the time. It is not a reflection on you or your worth as a friend or potential partner. It's just part of life.
Agreed. I despise ghosting, myself. I've made a commitment to not do that to people.
May I ask for some advice. Sorry if I'm sharing too much.
I wrote back in January that I got talking with someone after church at a parish I visited. We caught up a few weeks later coffee, which turned into an entire afternoon spent together. We texted, even called a few times.
Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. I messaged him I was nearby. He texted he was busy. I, misunderstood the phrase he used, and asked if he didn't want me to come down. He replied he was busy. And gave me advice on where to stay.
The next day I was asked by a school to come in on Monday. This made it impossible for me to see him due to the travel involved. I let him know. Silence. Two days later the school changed the time I should come in, which made it possible, challenging, but possible, for me to go down* [I was staying in Sydney at the time: I get not all will know times/distances, so I won't give towns/cities]. Silence. On Forgiveness Sunday, a day we traditionally ask others for forgiveness before Great Lent, I SMSed again. Nothing.
I do not need an answer. He owes me nothing. I hope I'm not so vain as to think that. But this sudden turn around confuses me. Look: we knew each other for a month. These things may fizzle out I suppose. My first thought was I offended him. And if I haven't overshared already, let me do more. I had a crap time in school. Absolutely crap. I had friends I saw at school, 3 in high school I hung around with at recess/lunch [break times], never went to their place [except twice in 6 years]; but also endured much teasing, much cruel teasing [I would've preferred a punch in the face: would've been over quicker], and someone who, looking back it was blindingly obvious, was using me for help for homework and dumped me [platonic; not romantic] after Year 12. I am not perfect. I have many faults. So I try not to judge. But this has impacted me. It has made me untrustworthy. It has made me deeply believe I am not worthy of anyone's friendship. It has caused me to live a life alone. 30 years later. I am a slow learner.
So, with this swirling around in my head. Maybe I offended him. Maybe I annoy him. Maybe he is undergoing some personal struggle. Maybe he's busy and forgot. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
I wrote to his priest, whom I know, saying he does not need to talk to me but I was hoping he was okay. He wrote back, "Thank you."
Do I SMS again? Or do I just leave it?
Thanks.
* you may wonder why I didn't ask to meet another day; I should have. I moved 4 hours or so north after some verbal agreements that I could do my placement. After I got here, silence. I rang, I emailed. Silence. I got in touch with every school [for a city of 25,000 there are quite a few]: 45 mins north/south even. Some said no; others yes -- then silence. When this opportunity came, I thought grab it and make it as easy for them as possible: just do what they want! Turns out they couldn't take me for staffing reasons, so...what a waste I suppose.
On ghosting, yes, it is difficult. This is not directed at you, please don't take it that way, but while it upsets me an honest appraisal of my life shows I have been an arsehole at times. Still am. So I try and be generous to those who cut off contact, which may be less of a sin than mine.
After Ruth's post I watched a video on forgiveness and reconciliation that popped up as they do where the speaker spoke of the need for forgiveness but that it didn't necessarily mean you needed to reconcile immediately. Perhaps ever. This was helpful for me from the reverse: I clearly have caused pain in the past, perhaps here; they need to decide for themselves if reconciliation is on the cards. That was confronting, but helpful.
I don't think someone who has said twice that they're busy is ghosting. They responded. The first time someone says they're busy, it's perfectly fair to take that at face value. But if they say they're busy a second time and they don't follow up with an indication of interest, they are really so incredibly busy or stressed or something that they don't have the wherewithal to deal with you or they're simply not interested.
Few people are going to find it in themselves to say right out, "Leave me alone, I'm not interested." I think in decades of meeting people and dating I only did that once, because someone I had just met and didn't know at all was pestering me. Most of the time people find another way that feels less harsh to them. Even I did that, and you know I'm not shy about expressing myself. Which leaves you interpreting people's actions/non-actions, but friends and places like this can help with that.
More than once when I wasn't sure if someone was interested because of mixed signals, I just asked -- I only recommend that if you are prepared to have them say directly that they're not. I found it hurt just as much. The upside was the clarity; the downside was the vulnerability of expressing interest that was not reciprocated.
I’ve found it useful to remember that forgiveness is commanded but reconciliation is not. Because you can forgive one-sidedly (I mean, with major help from God); but reconciliation isn’t possible unless the other person odd willing to try. Which they very often aren’t.
Comments
LOL! Not exactly…
No but there's a strapping bloke behind it.
Sorry. Coat?
I am usually quite happy alone. I have ummed and ahhed about posting that here, I do not mean to upset those for whom loneliness is prevalent, so forgive me for any unintended offence, but I came to the conclusion late last year I've been kidding myself in my hermit independence. I have moments of loneliness. Self-imposed, often, not exclusively.
I had a chat with someone over lunch at a parish I visited yesterday (thank you parishioners of St Nicholas, Punchbowl, Sydney, who were on retreat for an awesome spread...) and, cautiously, we clicked. The place is 4 hours away, though he on occasion comes up here. I'm trying not to get excited, who knows... But staying behind when part of me wanted to be on the road alone with my podcasts had a benefit yesterday. And maybe in the future.
My prayers and best wishes to all here.
I don't think anyone here would begrudge you that @Climacus and thank you for your prayers.
I'd also welcome prayers (since I doubt anyone will have advice) for my elderly father who, 18 months after Mum's death, tells me he feels alone and 'misses female company'. He's a bit of a vain man in some ways and adventures in this direction could, I think, leave him vulnerable to flattery and exploitation (he's losing memory and competence, but still does OK on his own 200 miles away with regular visits from / to my sister and I). On the upside he finds it hard to move without farting, which might mitigate against his new idea.
Prayers ascending!!
My next big thought on 'alone' is what happens when I retire, should I manage to live that long! Do I return to my home-place and to taking up family again, along with responsibilities and meeting expectations, being accountable to my loved ones? Or continue alone, in my own little special nest, away from my native soil, suiting myself; happy to take the trade off, of guilt-free, peaceful solitude over being with much loved family members, knowing that that will have its demands and irritations! Besides what does the younger generation want or need with a cranky, weird old bird turning up, cramping their style. They're all in the will anyway!
Having people who actively want to see me is a concept I struggle with.
I know it's different, but I for one was pleased when I saw you back on the Ship. We may disagree at times, but differences in opinion are what keeps the Ship sailing.
🥰🥰🥰
(Thank you, by the way, for that. I’ve been struggling…)
It went well! And I got some good chatting in with a couple of guys I hope to get to know further. The event was partly in honor of the deceased partner of a local guy—they were together for 26 years and he passed in November (oh boy do I ever relate—four years ago feels like yesterday). The event was technically not at a bar but a local LGBTQ community center, which occasionally acts like a bar, but doesn’t always have alcohol. After the hurricanes here last year, they’ve been involved in helping people who’ve lost their homes and other fundraising.
And for you also.
And all alone/lonely.
I wrote back in January that I got talking with someone after church at a parish I visited. We caught up a few weeks later coffee, which turned into an entire afternoon spent together. We texted, even called a few times.
Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. I messaged him I was nearby. He texted he was busy. I, misunderstood the phrase he used, and asked if he didn't want me to come down. He replied he was busy. And gave me advice on where to stay.
The next day I was asked by a school to come in on Monday. This made it impossible for me to see him due to the travel involved. I let him know. Silence. Two days later the school changed the time I should come in, which made it possible, challenging, but possible, for me to go down* [I was staying in Sydney at the time: I get not all will know times/distances, so I won't give towns/cities]. Silence. On Forgiveness Sunday, a day we traditionally ask others for forgiveness before Great Lent, I SMSed again. Nothing.
I do not need an answer. He owes me nothing. I hope I'm not so vain as to think that. But this sudden turn around confuses me. Look: we knew each other for a month. These things may fizzle out I suppose. My first thought was I offended him. And if I haven't overshared already, let me do more. I had a crap time in school. Absolutely crap. I had friends I saw at school, 3 in high school I hung around with at recess/lunch [break times], never went to their place [except twice in 6 years]; but also endured much teasing, much cruel teasing [I would've preferred a punch in the face: would've been over quicker], and someone who, looking back it was blindingly obvious, was using me for help for homework and dumped me [platonic; not romantic] after Year 12. I am not perfect. I have many faults. So I try not to judge. But this has impacted me. It has made me untrustworthy. It has made me deeply believe I am not worthy of anyone's friendship. It has caused me to live a life alone. 30 years later. I am a slow learner.
So, with this swirling around in my head. Maybe I offended him. Maybe I annoy him. Maybe he is undergoing some personal struggle. Maybe he's busy and forgot. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
I wrote to his priest, whom I know, saying he does not need to talk to me but I was hoping he was okay. He wrote back, "Thank you."
Do I SMS again? Or do I just leave it?
Thanks.
* you may wonder why I didn't ask to meet another day; I should have. I moved 4 hours or so north after some verbal agreements that I could do my placement. After I got here, silence. I rang, I emailed. Silence. I got in touch with every school [for a city of 25,000 there are quite a few]: 45 mins north/south even. Some said no; others yes -- then silence. When this opportunity came, I thought grab it and make it as easy for them as possible: just do what they want! Turns out they couldn't take me for staffing reasons, so...what a waste I suppose.
edit: Australianisms explained
You text, he's busy.
You text, he's busy.
You text, silence.
You text, silence.
You text, silence.
You write to his priest, whose reply doesn't answer your question and doesn't invite conversation.
Leave it, and move on. You've given him plenty of opportunities to respond, and he hasn't. It can be hard to just let something go that seemed promising when you don't know why the other person isn't responding, but all you can know is that he is not responding. He might be too busy, he might have decided he's not interested, he might have met someone else -- you don't and can't know.
People do this all the time. It is not a reflection on you or your worth as a friend or potential partner. It's just part of life.
Agreed. I despise ghosting, myself. I've made a commitment to not do that to people.
*huge hugs*
On ghosting, yes, it is difficult. This is not directed at you, please don't take it that way, but while it upsets me an honest appraisal of my life shows I have been an arsehole at times. Still am. So I try and be generous to those who cut off contact, which may be less of a sin than mine.
After Ruth's post I watched a video on forgiveness and reconciliation that popped up as they do where the speaker spoke of the need for forgiveness but that it didn't necessarily mean you needed to reconcile immediately. Perhaps ever. This was helpful for me from the reverse: I clearly have caused pain in the past, perhaps here; they need to decide for themselves if reconciliation is on the cards. That was confronting, but helpful.
Few people are going to find it in themselves to say right out, "Leave me alone, I'm not interested." I think in decades of meeting people and dating I only did that once, because someone I had just met and didn't know at all was pestering me. Most of the time people find another way that feels less harsh to them. Even I did that, and you know I'm not shy about expressing myself. Which leaves you interpreting people's actions/non-actions, but friends and places like this can help with that.
More than once when I wasn't sure if someone was interested because of mixed signals, I just asked -- I only recommend that if you are prepared to have them say directly that they're not. I found it hurt just as much. The upside was the clarity; the downside was the vulnerability of expressing interest that was not reciprocated.
Thank you very much Lamb Chopped also.