The fire circle meet-up was a great success. Eight people showed up, and at the end of the evening, everyone said, "Let us do this again. They were all people I had met before, so I hope some new people will come next time as well.
I'm just trying to put a brave face on it. I don’t think I'll ever 'get through it'. I just have to learn to endure it unless I happen to 'meet someone', which doesn't appear a likely prospect at the moment - or go and live in a monastery or some other model of community living.
So happy, she will be spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with me. I am so glad I took the chance and invited her. I also am planning another fireside frolic for New Years Eve. Still feeling alone but not nearly as much so.
I've had two sessions now with a Christian counsellor someone recommended. Early days but I'm not sure what to make of them.
We've discussed faith and spirituality to some extent but in fairly generic terms and I certainly wouldn't see them as some kind of 'spiritual guide' or 'spiritual director' in old money.
For non-British posters, 'old money' is a term used here for older ways of saying things. It's a reference to the pre-decimalised coinage of pounds, shillings and pence.
Anyhow ...
They have suggested that as it's clear I want a deeper and more significant relationship - not necessarily a romantic or physical one - than with those acquaintances I have through my various activities, I should try a Christian dating site.
Yikes!
They told me that these sites aren't only for people who want a romantic relationship but companionship and so forth.
That's as may be but it's not something that sits easily with me. I don't know whether that's because I'm squeamish or old fashioned or because such sites could be a minefield and make things worse.
I'm not asking anyone to share their personal experiences, good, bad or indifferent, if they've ever been on such sites. I'm told some are free of charge for a while but don't know an awful lot about them.
I'm feeling better than I did a few weeks ago and feel things are coming together with various projects I'm involved with. But in terms of friendships, companionship I feel I need to do something to improve or enhance my social life as it tends to be 'project-based' for want of a better term - people I see as part of a particular common purpose of some kind but not outside of that.
I’ve heard good things (from one of my best friends and his experiences, not in some generic way) about a site called Bumble, which can also be used to find friends.
Ok. I'm rather conflicted really. In principle I'm wary of sites like that, but some seem to get good reviews.
I don’t like the idea of exposing myself to potential pain and rejection. But then that happens in everyday life as it is. I also have a kind of 'hair-shirt' mentality at times. The counsellor seemed to think I was an RC for that reason ... 😉
But what was it Belloc wrote?
'Catholic men who live upon wine,
Are full in the water and frank and fine.
And wherever I travel, I find it so.
Benedicamus Domino!'
Apologies for his gender exclusive language.
All joking aside, whilst I have plenty of people I associate with I feel the need of a close friend/confidante of some kind and not necessarily in a romantic kind of way.
Not selfish at all.
This morning I have been feeling Alone for very different reasons. Things I need practical help with, but family are all genuinely too busy
eg for safety’s sake, getting stuff down from the loft, I would prefer there to be someone else at the foot of the ladder, decisions that need to be talked through and made, or the frustration of trying to sort a new SIM for my phone whilst keeping my old number. Nothing really major thankfully for me, but a friend also recently widowed who has broken her arm, has brought home the vulnerability of our situations and not having anybody really close to share with.
Mind you my daughter has just been venting for opposite reasons, how she is juggling 3 self employed jobs, dealing with the plumber, errands for son and daughter, husband unwell………
So there are advantages in being alone and not having to take responsibility for others’ well-being as well as one’s own.
Sorry, that is not much help GG. I did find counselling a great help though, and usually I am good at finding positivity in situations.
Ok. I'm rather conflicted really. In principle I'm wary of sites like that, but some seem to get good reviews.
I don’t like the idea of exposing myself to potential pain and rejection. But then that happens in everyday life as it is. I also have a kind of 'hair-shirt' mentality at times. The counsellor seemed to think I was an RC for that reason ... 😉
But what was it Belloc wrote?
'Catholic men who live upon wine,
Are full in the water and frank and fine.
And wherever I travel, I find it so.
Benedicamus Domino!'
Apologies for his gender exclusive language.
All joking aside, whilst I have plenty of people I associate with I feel the need of a close friend/confidante of some kind and not necessarily in a romantic kind of way.
Is that selfish? Or merely human?
As I said recently when I fell apart emotionally, Cubby was the only one who really understood me. Before him, Daddy Vern. There are people who get close to that but it's not the same. And oh God it hurts.
Not selfish at all.
This morning I have been feeling Alone for very different reasons. Things I need practical help with, but family are all genuinely too busy
eg for safety’s sake, getting stuff down from the loft, I would prefer there to be someone else at the foot of the ladder, decisions that need to be talked through and made, or the frustration of trying to sort a new SIM for my phone whilst keeping my old number. Nothing really major thankfully for me, but a friend also recently widowed who has broken her arm, has brought home the vulnerability of our situations and not having anybody really close to share with.
Mind you my daughter has just been venting for opposite reasons, how she is juggling 3 self employed jobs, dealing with the plumber, errands for son and daughter, husband unwell………
So there are advantages in being alone and not having to take responsibility for others’ well-being as well as one’s own.
Sorry, that is not much help GG. I did find counselling a great help though, and usually I am good at finding positivity in situations.
Re SIM cards, have you backed up any photos, voicemails, videos from your phone to something more permanent? I did that with stuff relating to Cubby.
But the following wouldn't scan nor sound so jolly:
'In some places where a Catholic sun doth shine,
There's hopefully laughter and good red wine,
And generally speaking wherever I travel, with some exceptions, I find it so.
Benedicamus Domino!
I can't see myself surfing sites looking for lurve, but I am realising that most of my friendships and acquaintances are essentially task or project-based ... apart from one or two in church.
I miss having a close friend or confidante. I'm not necessarily thinking of romantic relationships.
I'm not really sure what I have in mind to be honest or even if it exists.
I can't see myself surfing sites looking for lurve, but I am realising that most of my friendships and acquaintances are essentially task or project-based ... apart from one or two in church.
I miss having a close friend or confidante. I'm not necessarily thinking of romantic relationships.
I'm not really sure what I have in mind to be honest or even if it exists.
The best thing may be to, without specific expectations, get out and explore things and meet people. Maybe a game group, whether card games or board games or any other kind? Local groups that see movies together?
I'm not a game-y person and there aren't local groups who see movies together. We are a small town and have to drive or get the bus or train to larger ones to visit the cinema. They did show films in the local community hall for a while but that's fizzled out.
I'm involved with the regional poetry scene and attend readings and open-mics and run a poetry group myself. I was involved with local politics and met lots of people that way but generally in a very 'functional' way. I do have friends involved with all that but wouldn't regard them as bosom pals.
I ran a local arts group for a while. Likewise that enabled me to meet a fair few people and I'm reasonably well known locally through that and my political involvement. But again, it was all very 'functional' and project-based. Like relationships in the workplace. You get on well with colleagues but your interaction with them fades when you get another job or move on for whatever reason.
Once I year I've taken part in a play put on by our local amateur dramatics group. I know plenty of people through that but we rarely meet socially outside of an end of run meal or celebration.
It's not as if I'm not involved with things. If anything I got involved with too much and spread myself thinly.
Now I'm trying to focus on a few key activities. I can't second guess whether these will or won't lead to closer or deeper relationships than those I've pursued so far. I'm not complaining, simply stating where things are at.
I'm off to the cinema this evening to review a film for an ecumenical magazine I'm involved with. I'm off again to see another film early next month. Alone.
That last bit sounds a bit self-pitying. I will revise it. I could ask a lonely and isolated bloke I know in the parish to accompany me to the pictures (as I still call the cinema).
That would relieve his cabin-fever for a bit and be a kind act. So there are things we can do as single people to help others that people with family commitments can't do.
I'll probably do that as it is something worth doing on and of itself but it doesn't address the issue I've raised about 'significant' relationships - and by that I don't necessarily mean romantic or physical ones as it were.
But then, perhaps we should be focused on others rather than ourselves? I think I've heard that somewhere...
As Rohr puts it, 'Thy Kingdom come means that my kingdom goes.'
And yet. And yet.
I've had Protestant people imply that I'm out to 'earn' my salvation, that I'm becoming 'works-oriented'. I don't see that at all. I have precious little 'works' and certainly don't see then as gaining me Brownie-points.
But I can be a bit hair-shirty at times. A bit of 'survivors' guilt' on occasion. I do believe that we should 'work out our salvation with fear and trembling' and that a degree of asceticism is involved but within reasonable parameters. Where do we set those?
I don't know what the verse, 'It is not good for man (people) to be alone' means. I'm sure it doesn't necessarily mean everyone should be married or in some kind of close or committed relationship.
There must be models of community or friendship/interaction that we can explore in our increasingly atomised societies.
Yes. It is hard to know why in today’s society we have not come up with solutions for these sorts of issues.
One reason might be that most of those people who do not live alone have no appreciation of the situation of those who do, and many of those who are alone are satisfied or happy with their status.
Just a purely practical example. Nobody has been in my house for the last ten days. Church choir has to prepare a themed tree for the Christmas tree festival next week. I have offered some suitable musical decorations, but they are in the loft. Sensibly I am not going up into the loft when I am alone in the house. Time is running out. Trivial I know. Multiply that in all sorts of ways, not just the practical stuff.
Yes. Those are interesting and important points, @Puzzler.
Thinking about it, other than my younger daughter and her boyfriend, my next door neighbour when he wants something and people coming to collect leaflets I've ordered for delivery for political purposes, nobody comes to my house at all. I go to other people's.
I have had people round for meals but other than relatives, not for a few years, probably pre-Covid.
That's no big deal at the moment as I'm still fit enough to get the Christmas decorations out of the attic (loft).
I've got out of the habit too of checking what's on at the cinema or theatre. I resolve to amend that.
I can relate. It's a strange position to be in. I keep wondering if most people feel like this or if I'm some weird exception. Your, all of you, posts make me realize I'm not really alone. I've basically resigned myself to superficial relationships. I've also decided to go ahead and have deeper conversations with random strangers. Sort of treating casual conversations as I would the stranger on the plane. I live in a place where most have vast networks of extended family. As I have become older I have taken the opportunity to be in the "grandma" role to newcomers without family around. Telling people how their babies look just like them and how proud their mom and dad back home must be seem to be the right way to go. I've not really thought about it that much but I've noticed myself doing this and seen that it means something to people far from home. Lol. Oh gosh, I'm turning into my mother!
Sensibly I am not going up into the loft when I am alone in the house.
This won't help if you need an extra pair of hands to physically get things down from the loft. However we have a relative who lives alone, and when she needs to go into her loft, she sets up a video call and we watch to make sure she gets up and down safely. She's usually just moving summer / winter clothes up / down, so not anything which would be damaged if she dropped them. She just likes the reassurance of knowing there's someone "there" (albeit 150 miles away!) just in case. We've also had a video call when she's been up a stepladder putting up new curtains etc.
That’s a great idea. Another lower tech idea is just to phone someone, announce the project, and ask them to be on the alert for your second call saying you’ve completed it safely.
Or even what we did last week. I was peopled out after the cricket club dinner, but Sandemaniac, our friend P who was staying with us, and some others wanted to go to another pub. So I got a bus home alone and messaged Sandemaniac once I was back here at about 12.30 am.
I think the practicalities behind these nuggets of advice will very much depend on circumstances and the nature of the communities to which we belong.
A woman in our parish is in the process of setting up some kind of system to help and support parishioners who are elderly, frail, ill or house-bound. I'm not sure what form this will take but I understand there was some kind of system in place in her previous parish.
I've known of someone who used to drive from here in the north-west of England to Norfolk (extreme east of the country) to look after her son and daughter-in-law's cat whenever they went away because they couldn't find any of the neighbours willing to do it. I find that extraordinary living in the north of England but ...
Indeed.
Just to let you know that the box of decorations has been safely brought down, with my daughter’s assistance when she popped in briefly.
I have also successfully changed my Sim and taken my old number with me over the past few days. I am not completely incompetent.
Well done! I have successfully printed off a small flyer after weeks of waiting for those who had agreed to do it. I wasn't sure if my computer and printer would be up to it but it turned out fine. Onward and upward as they say.
Comments
I'm feeling it badly again. Being alone. But press on.
Lots of people are in the same boat.
'Take what he gives,
And praise him still,
Through good or ill,
Who ever lives.'
I've had two sessions now with a Christian counsellor someone recommended. Early days but I'm not sure what to make of them.
We've discussed faith and spirituality to some extent but in fairly generic terms and I certainly wouldn't see them as some kind of 'spiritual guide' or 'spiritual director' in old money.
For non-British posters, 'old money' is a term used here for older ways of saying things. It's a reference to the pre-decimalised coinage of pounds, shillings and pence.
Anyhow ...
They have suggested that as it's clear I want a deeper and more significant relationship - not necessarily a romantic or physical one - than with those acquaintances I have through my various activities, I should try a Christian dating site.
Yikes!
They told me that these sites aren't only for people who want a romantic relationship but companionship and so forth.
That's as may be but it's not something that sits easily with me. I don't know whether that's because I'm squeamish or old fashioned or because such sites could be a minefield and make things worse.
I'm not asking anyone to share their personal experiences, good, bad or indifferent, if they've ever been on such sites. I'm told some are free of charge for a while but don't know an awful lot about them.
I'm feeling better than I did a few weeks ago and feel things are coming together with various projects I'm involved with. But in terms of friendships, companionship I feel I need to do something to improve or enhance my social life as it tends to be 'project-based' for want of a better term - people I see as part of a particular common purpose of some kind but not outside of that.
Thoughts?
I’ve heard good things (from one of my best friends and his experiences, not in some generic way) about a site called Bumble, which can also be used to find friends.
I don’t like the idea of exposing myself to potential pain and rejection. But then that happens in everyday life as it is. I also have a kind of 'hair-shirt' mentality at times. The counsellor seemed to think I was an RC for that reason ... 😉
But what was it Belloc wrote?
'Catholic men who live upon wine,
Are full in the water and frank and fine.
And wherever I travel, I find it so.
Benedicamus Domino!'
Apologies for his gender exclusive language.
All joking aside, whilst I have plenty of people I associate with I feel the need of a close friend/confidante of some kind and not necessarily in a romantic kind of way.
Is that selfish? Or merely human?
This morning I have been feeling Alone for very different reasons. Things I need practical help with, but family are all genuinely too busy
eg for safety’s sake, getting stuff down from the loft, I would prefer there to be someone else at the foot of the ladder, decisions that need to be talked through and made, or the frustration of trying to sort a new SIM for my phone whilst keeping my old number. Nothing really major thankfully for me, but a friend also recently widowed who has broken her arm, has brought home the vulnerability of our situations and not having anybody really close to share with.
Mind you my daughter has just been venting for opposite reasons, how she is juggling 3 self employed jobs, dealing with the plumber, errands for son and daughter, husband unwell………
So there are advantages in being alone and not having to take responsibility for others’ well-being as well as one’s own.
Sorry, that is not much help GG. I did find counselling a great help though, and usually I am good at finding positivity in situations.
As I said recently when I fell apart emotionally, Cubby was the only one who really understood me. Before him, Daddy Vern. There are people who get close to that but it's not the same. And oh God it hurts.
Re SIM cards, have you backed up any photos, voicemails, videos from your phone to something more permanent? I did that with stuff relating to Cubby.
Where'er a Catholic sun doth shine
There's always laughter and good red wine
Etc.
That is what I learned but I don;t agree that what he said is always and everywhere true.
But the following wouldn't scan nor sound so jolly:
'In some places where a Catholic sun doth shine,
There's hopefully laughter and good red wine,
And generally speaking wherever I travel, with some exceptions, I find it so.
Benedicamus Domino!
I miss having a close friend or confidante. I'm not necessarily thinking of romantic relationships.
I'm not really sure what I have in mind to be honest or even if it exists.
The best thing may be to, without specific expectations, get out and explore things and meet people. Maybe a game group, whether card games or board games or any other kind? Local groups that see movies together?
I'm involved with the regional poetry scene and attend readings and open-mics and run a poetry group myself. I was involved with local politics and met lots of people that way but generally in a very 'functional' way. I do have friends involved with all that but wouldn't regard them as bosom pals.
I ran a local arts group for a while. Likewise that enabled me to meet a fair few people and I'm reasonably well known locally through that and my political involvement. But again, it was all very 'functional' and project-based. Like relationships in the workplace. You get on well with colleagues but your interaction with them fades when you get another job or move on for whatever reason.
Once I year I've taken part in a play put on by our local amateur dramatics group. I know plenty of people through that but we rarely meet socially outside of an end of run meal or celebration.
It's not as if I'm not involved with things. If anything I got involved with too much and spread myself thinly.
Now I'm trying to focus on a few key activities. I can't second guess whether these will or won't lead to closer or deeper relationships than those I've pursued so far. I'm not complaining, simply stating where things are at.
I'm off to the cinema this evening to review a film for an ecumenical magazine I'm involved with. I'm off again to see another film early next month. Alone.
That would relieve his cabin-fever for a bit and be a kind act. So there are things we can do as single people to help others that people with family commitments can't do.
I'll probably do that as it is something worth doing on and of itself but it doesn't address the issue I've raised about 'significant' relationships - and by that I don't necessarily mean romantic or physical ones as it were.
But then, perhaps we should be focused on others rather than ourselves? I think I've heard that somewhere...
As Rohr puts it, 'Thy Kingdom come means that my kingdom goes.'
And yet. And yet.
I've had Protestant people imply that I'm out to 'earn' my salvation, that I'm becoming 'works-oriented'. I don't see that at all. I have precious little 'works' and certainly don't see then as gaining me Brownie-points.
But I can be a bit hair-shirty at times. A bit of 'survivors' guilt' on occasion. I do believe that we should 'work out our salvation with fear and trembling' and that a degree of asceticism is involved but within reasonable parameters. Where do we set those?
I don't know what the verse, 'It is not good for man (people) to be alone' means. I'm sure it doesn't necessarily mean everyone should be married or in some kind of close or committed relationship.
There must be models of community or friendship/interaction that we can explore in our increasingly atomised societies.
One reason might be that most of those people who do not live alone have no appreciation of the situation of those who do, and many of those who are alone are satisfied or happy with their status.
Just a purely practical example. Nobody has been in my house for the last ten days. Church choir has to prepare a themed tree for the Christmas tree festival next week. I have offered some suitable musical decorations, but they are in the loft. Sensibly I am not going up into the loft when I am alone in the house. Time is running out. Trivial I know. Multiply that in all sorts of ways, not just the practical stuff.
Thinking about it, other than my younger daughter and her boyfriend, my next door neighbour when he wants something and people coming to collect leaflets I've ordered for delivery for political purposes, nobody comes to my house at all. I go to other people's.
I have had people round for meals but other than relatives, not for a few years, probably pre-Covid.
That's no big deal at the moment as I'm still fit enough to get the Christmas decorations out of the attic (loft).
I've got out of the habit too of checking what's on at the cinema or theatre. I resolve to amend that.
This won't help if you need an extra pair of hands to physically get things down from the loft. However we have a relative who lives alone, and when she needs to go into her loft, she sets up a video call and we watch to make sure she gets up and down safely. She's usually just moving summer / winter clothes up / down, so not anything which would be damaged if she dropped them. She just likes the reassurance of knowing there's someone "there" (albeit 150 miles away!) just in case. We've also had a video call when she's been up a stepladder putting up new curtains etc.
A woman in our parish is in the process of setting up some kind of system to help and support parishioners who are elderly, frail, ill or house-bound. I'm not sure what form this will take but I understand there was some kind of system in place in her previous parish.
I've known of someone who used to drive from here in the north-west of England to Norfolk (extreme east of the country) to look after her son and daughter-in-law's cat whenever they went away because they couldn't find any of the neighbours willing to do it. I find that extraordinary living in the north of England but ...
Just to let you know that the box of decorations has been safely brought down, with my daughter’s assistance when she popped in briefly.
I have also successfully changed my Sim and taken my old number with me over the past few days. I am not completely incompetent.