I don't generally feel too lonely, even when I'm alone, but today and yesterday after I took my mentally handicapped brother home I've been feeling down.
Re getting things out of the loft, I'm even considering not bothering with Christmas decorations this year or just buying some new ones as I can't imagine how I would get down the steep wobbly ladder carrying large cardboard boxes. That's assuming I can even find them in the loft...it was always my partner who went up there and I stood at the bottom of the ladder to grab the items coming down, or pass them up. I've only been up there once since she died in January to find an old duvet for a friend who needed one for her dog...at least the duvet could be just thrown down from the hatch.
For me it's the practical stuff like this that's the hardest bit of living alone. On Monday I'm having a new sofabed delivered. I will have to get my son over to help me remove the old one from the house. Maybe I should get the Christmas decs down while he's here...now there's an idea!
There’s not too much left in my loft now. Having it boarded was one of the first things we did in the house. The majority of stuff stored there did not come down again until after Mr P died, so it had been untouched for ten years, and added to. All that remains now is some spare bedding, suitcases I will never use ( no wheels), and about 100 jigsaw puzzles, but I can easily reach those as they are near the hatch. I will repack the Christmas decorations in January and not put them back in the loft.
Yes Gracious Rebel, it is the practical stuff that is hard for me too.
I was able to spend Thanksgiving with an array of bears. The hosts were very big fans of the movie wicked and have decorated their home for the holidays in pink and green. I still need to see the movie myself though. I actually have been able to get together with people the last several days, though I haven’t gotten much work done, but still it’s been good.
I just saw a report by the Surgeon General on NPR news that loneliness was now a chronic problem among young parents in the USA. They also feel overwhelmed by life as parents.
When our kids were growing up, we certainly felt that a number of times. We were never near any of our extended family. One saving grace was we often found an older couple in the neighborhood who became something like surrogate grandparents. The kids always felt welcome in their homes.
On current neighbor just had their first child. They do not have extended family close. We plan to reach out to them in short order in a supportive way.
I am happy to report that Friday I was at a club Christmas party (and finally rejoining the club! I was a member in the late 1990s with Daddy Vern, and then after moving back to Florida I was a member in the 2000s/2010s, but now I have to start as a pledge all over again), Saturday I was unexpectedly invited to breakfast by some bears (their treat!), followed by getting together with my friend Greg for both seeing Krampus at a local German-American place, and then having lunch (my treat!).
We have our parish Saint's day this Thursday; I shall light a candle and mention all who have posted here recently, with permission, if that is of some comfort.
We have our parish Saint's day this Thursday; I shall light a candle and mention all who have posted here recently, with permission, if that is of some comfort.
Absolutely.
I am happy that I am spending Christmas day (and the start of Hanukkah!) with a pair of bears, and the next day going to a birthday party for a guy in my local leather club (yes, he was born on December 26). Plus an old friend (since 1985) will be here from this Saturday till New Year's, a friend who lost his wife in the last two years, so we've been there for each other in our respective grieving and struggles. He's also a Christian and a big C.S. Lewis fan. His name is Douglas (and his wife's name was Sahar--her father, and his father in law, Said (Sahar's family is Egyptian, so that's not a typo, pronounced Sah-eed), just passed the other day).
My partner's nickname was Cubby, QuakerCub on the Ship, and his name was David. Prayers welcome for him and Sahar and Said too.
As Christmas Eve has arrived here and the sun has set, my thoughts and prayers for all feeling lonely particularly at this season. Love from Down Under.
I am trying to think, whilst it is still fresh in my mind, whether I would rather spend more time home alone at Christmas next year with my own choice of music and TV plus my home comforts, than a very different sort of time with family. Actually it is probably not a case of either/or, but both and, only less.
It was lovely to be included with my son and his extended family with plentiful food and drink, but…..
I think tomorrow with my daughter might be rather different, though I rather think my visit may overlap with my ex and his wife which is not what I would choose.
Thank you @Climacus, very well.
From today for the rest of the week until Church next Sunday morning, I have nothing booked and am already finding this week alone quite hard. I look forward to my regular activities starting up again next week.
Last night was the first New Year's Eve I've spent entirely alone.
I didn't like it. I notice that others on the New Year's Eve plans thread were also alone.
I made the best of it and it wasn't so terrible as to reduce me to taking @Telford's advice and watching 3 hours of GB News.
Now that would have been depressing...
My brother told me that back in the early '80s 1 in 100 Britons spent Christmas alone. Now it's 1 in 11.
Ok, New Year's Eve doesn’t seem do bad somehow but even so.
I got by.
Normally I've been invited around to friends' or to my younger daughter's - or else she's come here with some of her pals.
It strikes me that after bereavement people do try and help for the first year or two but after that they assume you are OK and leave you to your own devices.
I don't say that with any rancour or resentment. That's just the way it is . Somethings never change.
I'm just thinking aloud and wondering what I can do about this in future.
I'm just thinking aloud and wondering what I can do about this in future.
Could you invite people you want to see over to your house, or suggest meeting them somewhere?
I have a much-older friend, and she used to go to art exhibits and concerts with two friends of hers. They always invited her. Over time she kept declining their invitations—not because she didn’t enjoy their company, but because she felt down/low energy, etc.
Eventually they stopped inviting her to things, and she doesn’t see them anymore.
She told me not to repeat this behavior with the people in my life.
GG, if you want to spend time with friends and family, you’ll need to reach out to them, too.
For many years - 50 all told - friends of ours used to stage a New Year Banquet. The rule was that each guest brought a course and provided an entertainment. There were 12 courses (not all of them serious) and a common theme (plus a whole mythos built up over the years).
I'm not suggesting trying to duplicate that - for one thing, you need a Victorian or Edwardian house, a piano, a very large dining table, and the capacity to sleep a dozen or so folk if need be.
However, there's something to be said for a modest gathering in which everyone brings a song or poem or story for the new year and some refreshments.
I'm just thinking aloud and wondering what I can do about this in future.
Could you invite people you want to see over to your house, or suggest meeting them somewhere?
I have a much-older friend, and she used to go to art exhibits and concerts with two friends of hers. They always invited her. Over time she kept declining their invitations—not because she didn’t enjoy their company, but because she felt down/low energy, etc.
Eventually they stopped inviting her to things, and she doesn’t see them anymore.
She told me not to repeat this behavior with the people in my life.
GG, if you want to spend time with friends and family, you’ll need to reach out to them, too.
Hey, less of the lecture if you please!
Most of my family live a long way off, back in South Wales. My elder daughter lives on a narrowboat further north. My younger daughter lives locally and I see her regularly but she's got her own life to lead and I don't want to get in her way.
I invited a mate out to the cinema recently but he was too busy. Ok. So I went alone. There'll be other occasions.
I met up for a cuppa with 3 pals today. I'll be down in South Wales helping my brother with stuff from our late mother's bungalow for a few days soon and will catch up with relatives while I'm down there. I saw a good friend on Monday. I probably won't see anyone at all tomorrow unless I go to the shops. Saturday I'm meeting up with my elder daughter and other relatives. I'm dead chuffed about that as she'd cut herself off from her sister and myself for most of last year but seems to be coming out of her bad patch.
It's not as if I don't 'reach out' to people. What I said was that I going to have to devise something next New Year's Eve to avoid being alone again.
That would involve 'reaching out' to people in some way.
I know you mean well but you don't know me and you don't know my circumstances. So less of the lectures if you don't mind. Otherwise you may find that I 'reach out' and call you somewhere hot sulphurous and unpleasant where you really, really don't want to go.
I am sorry you feel this way, @Gamma Gamaliel It doesn’t bother me being on my own on NYE, but then I have never been one to make a big occasion out of it. I don’t always stay up.
I find it very difficult to know at this time of year whether people are likely to be free, or more likely to be either visiting or hosting their families.
Very few of my friends live on their own. This week two are away staying with family.
I wouldn’t dream of suggesting meeting up with someone who has local family until we get back into routine.
So this week apart from a few phone calls, I have only spoken to a nurse and to my neighbour. Not ideal, but next week will be more normal, thankfully.
Hi @Gamma Gamaliel
[Edited post as I somehow missed your apology - sorry!]
In general, if people think some advice or attempt to help in the thread was worded a bit directly, please remember that's a normal communication style for many people and generally not meant as an attack or criticism at all. People's communication styles can differ without any ill will being intended.
Sure. I get that, hence the apology and the stepping back from the threatened Hell-call.
I bear @Hilda of Whitby no ill-will and am sure she had no critical intent. Her advice and intention is sound. I took it the wrong way and apologise for that.
Sorry folks. I am feeling quite down. I've been on some WhatsApp groups only to be accosted by conspiracy theorists.
My elder daughter is poorly and so we can't catch up tomorrow as planned. I was looking forward to that ... 😞
I've had a few cheery conversations with people on my morning walks but otherwise I feel quite isolated and it's getting to me.
Social media doesn't help at times like this. It simply reinforces the feeling of isolation or of other people having a wonderful time - celebrating anniversaries and so on. Not that I begrudge them that.
I really hate this.
Ok, it'll pass when the nights get lighter and the fields less muddy but that'll be a while off yet.
Sure, prayer helps, a regular 'office' and I really ought to knuckle down to sort out some books and paperwork but I'm feeling pretty drained. I'm falling asleep in the afternoons then waking up in the wee small hours.
I have struggled with similar. It helps me to use the word "activate". I need to get busy at extra things if I don't have enough going on. We are sort of counter-cultural in terms of time. Everyone seems to be in a hurry and squeezing things in. I don't have enough to do and it's too easy to just sit down and do nothing. Avoiding becomes the default. I'm constantly considering what I can do to keep busy and how I can interact with others without seeming pathetic. Lol. Sorry - sad but true. Feeling useful, even if you have engineered the experience is still worthwhile. Am off to reboot the washer and dryer! Activate!
That makes sense, @Lily Pad. I think I've gone from one extreme to another - being spread too thinly, to living alone in an empty nest with no-one to share it with.
Whilst I do have loneness issues despite many local friends and acquaintances I did find it refreshing this Christmas Day not to be with siblings and my aged mother after these last few years. Mother died last February so no pressure to meet up at her flat again : 4 single adults with decisive views and opinions over Christmas has not the most relaxing of times. My siblings and I did meet in person on the 23rd and then later on the Saturday after Christmas Day. Plus a Boxing Day Zoom talk which included my son in Mexico so we won't deliberately cutting our selves off from each other.
Here's a suggestion @Gamma Gamaliel : find an Orthodox church within travelling distance that is celebrating the Nativity on 6th-7th January and go to all their services. Apply your critical acumen to what they do differently and what is the same as you are used to. That will keep mind and body busy for a while.
I'd need to travel some distance to do that, I'm afraid and I do have family business to attend to but thanks for the suggestion, @cgichard.
I'm not sure what it would achieve, I must admit, other than an attempt to fill time for the sake of filling time. Why have two Nativities? Also, I'm not at all sure what they'd do differently other than holding their services on a different date. It's not as if they'd be using a different Liturgy is it?
Sure, there'll be more Russian chant but we tend to use Russian as well as Byzantine melodies purely because we had someone in the choir some years ago who introduced them.
Sorry to keep pouring cold water on people's suggestions.
I'm more than happy to visit parishes in other jurisdictions and on the other calendar but 6th-7th January wouldn't be very convenient this year.
Comments
And congratulations to all those with recent wonderful successes!
For me it's the practical stuff like this that's the hardest bit of living alone. On Monday I'm having a new sofabed delivered. I will have to get my son over to help me remove the old one from the house. Maybe I should get the Christmas decs down while he's here...now there's an idea!
Yes Gracious Rebel, it is the practical stuff that is hard for me too.
When our kids were growing up, we certainly felt that a number of times. We were never near any of our extended family. One saving grace was we often found an older couple in the neighborhood who became something like surrogate grandparents. The kids always felt welcome in their homes.
On current neighbor just had their first child. They do not have extended family close. We plan to reach out to them in short order in a supportive way.
Thoughts and prayers for all feeling alone at this time.
We have our parish Saint's day this Thursday; I shall light a candle and mention all who have posted here recently, with permission, if that is of some comfort.
Same from me
Absolutely.
I am happy that I am spending Christmas day (and the start of Hanukkah!) with a pair of bears, and the next day going to a birthday party for a guy in my local leather club (yes, he was born on December 26). Plus an old friend (since 1985) will be here from this Saturday till New Year's, a friend who lost his wife in the last two years, so we've been there for each other in our respective grieving and struggles. He's also a Christian and a big C.S. Lewis fan. His name is Douglas (and his wife's name was Sahar--her father, and his father in law, Said (Sahar's family is Egyptian, so that's not a typo, pronounced Sah-eed), just passed the other day).
My partner's nickname was Cubby, QuakerCub on the Ship, and his name was David. Prayers welcome for him and Sahar and Said too.
I lit a candle beneath our large cross; a photo if that helps in any way (apologies for quality; I have a cheap phone). God bless.
OMG is that your home? ❤️
As Christmas Eve has arrived here and the sun has set, my thoughts and prayers for all feeling lonely particularly at this season. Love from Down Under.
It was lovely to be included with my son and his extended family with plentiful food and drink, but…..
I think tomorrow with my daughter might be rather different, though I rather think my visit may overlap with my ex and his wife which is not what I would choose.
From today for the rest of the week until Church next Sunday morning, I have nothing booked and am already finding this week alone quite hard. I look forward to my regular activities starting up again next week.
I didn't like it. I notice that others on the New Year's Eve plans thread were also alone.
I made the best of it and it wasn't so terrible as to reduce me to taking @Telford's advice and watching 3 hours of GB News.
Now that would have been depressing...
My brother told me that back in the early '80s 1 in 100 Britons spent Christmas alone. Now it's 1 in 11.
Ok, New Year's Eve doesn’t seem do bad somehow but even so.
I got by.
Normally I've been invited around to friends' or to my younger daughter's - or else she's come here with some of her pals.
It strikes me that after bereavement people do try and help for the first year or two but after that they assume you are OK and leave you to your own devices.
I don't say that with any rancour or resentment. That's just the way it is . Somethings never change.
I'm just thinking aloud and wondering what I can do about this in future.
Could you invite people you want to see over to your house, or suggest meeting them somewhere?
I have a much-older friend, and she used to go to art exhibits and concerts with two friends of hers. They always invited her. Over time she kept declining their invitations—not because she didn’t enjoy their company, but because she felt down/low energy, etc.
Eventually they stopped inviting her to things, and she doesn’t see them anymore.
She told me not to repeat this behavior with the people in my life.
GG, if you want to spend time with friends and family, you’ll need to reach out to them, too.
I'm not suggesting trying to duplicate that - for one thing, you need a Victorian or Edwardian house, a piano, a very large dining table, and the capacity to sleep a dozen or so folk if need be.
However, there's something to be said for a modest gathering in which everyone brings a song or poem or story for the new year and some refreshments.
Hey, less of the lecture if you please!
Most of my family live a long way off, back in South Wales. My elder daughter lives on a narrowboat further north. My younger daughter lives locally and I see her regularly but she's got her own life to lead and I don't want to get in her way.
I invited a mate out to the cinema recently but he was too busy. Ok. So I went alone. There'll be other occasions.
I met up for a cuppa with 3 pals today. I'll be down in South Wales helping my brother with stuff from our late mother's bungalow for a few days soon and will catch up with relatives while I'm down there. I saw a good friend on Monday. I probably won't see anyone at all tomorrow unless I go to the shops. Saturday I'm meeting up with my elder daughter and other relatives. I'm dead chuffed about that as she'd cut herself off from her sister and myself for most of last year but seems to be coming out of her bad patch.
It's not as if I don't 'reach out' to people. What I said was that I going to have to devise something next New Year's Eve to avoid being alone again.
That would involve 'reaching out' to people in some way.
I know you mean well but you don't know me and you don't know my circumstances. So less of the lectures if you don't mind. Otherwise you may find that I 'reach out' and call you somewhere hot sulphurous and unpleasant where you really, really don't want to go.
Be warned.
Peace be with you.
I find it very difficult to know at this time of year whether people are likely to be free, or more likely to be either visiting or hosting their families.
Very few of my friends live on their own. This week two are away staying with family.
I wouldn’t dream of suggesting meeting up with someone who has local family until we get back into routine.
So this week apart from a few phone calls, I have only spoken to a nurse and to my neighbour. Not ideal, but next week will be more normal, thankfully.
[Edited post as I somehow missed your apology - sorry!]
In general, if people think some advice or attempt to help in the thread was worded a bit directly, please remember that's a normal communication style for many people and generally not meant as an attack or criticism at all. People's communication styles can differ without any ill will being intended.
Thanks!
Louise
Epiphanies Host
I bear @Hilda of Whitby no ill-will and am sure she had no critical intent. Her advice and intention is sound. I took it the wrong way and apologise for that.
My elder daughter is poorly and so we can't catch up tomorrow as planned. I was looking forward to that ... 😞
I've had a few cheery conversations with people on my morning walks but otherwise I feel quite isolated and it's getting to me.
Social media doesn't help at times like this. It simply reinforces the feeling of isolation or of other people having a wonderful time - celebrating anniversaries and so on. Not that I begrudge them that.
I really hate this.
Ok, it'll pass when the nights get lighter and the fields less muddy but that'll be a while off yet.
Sure, prayer helps, a regular 'office' and I really ought to knuckle down to sort out some books and paperwork but I'm feeling pretty drained. I'm falling asleep in the afternoons then waking up in the wee small hours.
Everything seems out of synch.
But as you say, 'Activate!'
I'm not sure what it would achieve, I must admit, other than an attempt to fill time for the sake of filling time. Why have two Nativities? Also, I'm not at all sure what they'd do differently other than holding their services on a different date. It's not as if they'd be using a different Liturgy is it?
Sure, there'll be more Russian chant but we tend to use Russian as well as Byzantine melodies purely because we had someone in the choir some years ago who introduced them.
Sorry to keep pouring cold water on people's suggestions.
I'm more than happy to visit parishes in other jurisdictions and on the other calendar but 6th-7th January wouldn't be very convenient this year.
🕯️ for all here.