I am glad it was an enjoyable occasion for you. I find I am wary of going to places I went to with my husband. It can spark moments of intense sadness.
I often go to a large out of town store. Sometimes he used to come with me, but not always. The first time I went there after he died, when I walked through the men’s clothing section, I felt I would never be able to go there again, but I have and it is ok now. The other place is a particular Methodist church with which he had a very close association. Recently I went to a joint Harvest service there as it is in the same village as my Anglican church. That was extremely poignant, and I struggled.
On the other hand, discovering new places and not being able to share the experience can also be tricky.
Just this morning my plumber told me about someone we both know who now has a new partner, and tried to go to a favourite restaurant but couldn’t because of past memories.
Yes, all of that resonates with me.
It gets you both ways. Old places and new places.
No way around it unless we don't go anywhere and that's no solution either. We just have to go through it.
I too am rather wary about Christmas...my first one since A died in January.Last Christmas was a whirlwind of cancer, chemo aftermath, jaundice, pain, weakness....but she was determined to cook Christmas lunch and we did make it a kind of special celebration, just the two of us plus her son, heres a photo of our Christmas lunch https://photos.app.goo.gl/GRtvCPpeDDEANV3k7
In other news, last night I went to the theatre on my own for the first time. A musical...something she would have loved. I really felt close to her as I tried to 'include' her on this occasion, by wearing some of her clothes, boots and coat, using the perfume that I only ever used when we went out together in the evenings, making sure I was wearing the necklace that contained her ashes etc. A most enjoyable evening. Will definitely do this again.
Lovely photo and so glad you had such a positive experience at the theatre
I am glad it was an enjoyable occasion for you. I find I am wary of going to places I went to with my husband. It can spark moments of intense sadness.
I often go to a large out of town store. Sometimes he used to come with me, but not always. The first time I went there after he died, when I walked through the men’s clothing section, I felt I would never be able to go there again, but I have and it is ok now. The other place is a particular Methodist church with which he had a very close association. Recently I went to a joint Harvest service there as it is in the same village as my Anglican church. That was extremely poignant, and I struggled.
On the other hand, discovering new places and not being able to share the experience can also be tricky.
Just this morning my plumber told me about someone we both know who now has a new partner, and tried to go to a favourite restaurant but couldn’t because of past memories.
Yes, all of that resonates with me.
It gets you both ways. Old places and new places.
No way around it unless we don't go anywhere and that's no solution either. We just have to go through it.
I sometimes ponder whether I've become too comfortable in my isolation. We moved 700 or so miles to our current location in 2009, but for about twelve years before that I cultivated friendships with a number of similarly-aged men, most of them, but not all, via the church where I served as the DM. We eventually settled into a group of a half-dozen, and that group maintained a number of regular activities that included early AM coffee & book discussions, poker games, and even evenings of scotch and cigars. It was a wonderful time.
After relocating, I fell in with a trio of guys, which was fine, though not exactly what I had left behind, and for a while the four of us hung out occasionally, and with our wives the eight of us would get together for suppers while our collection of seven kids played. Those connections (which included my boss) were church job-related, too. When the job went away after 20 months, though, the friendships suffered and died quickly. I feely admit I was the one who pulled away, but that was the beginning of my decidedly arm's-length approach to most people.
When I think or talk about friends, it's the guys from the early 2000s I refer to. I see a couple of them a couple times a year, and two others once a year. The last pair have drifted away, and I haven't seen or spoken to them for a decade. Besides those guys there's one friend from my first college who I talk to via phone about once a year (our pattern since 1989 when I transferred schools), one other man from the early 2000s church who wasn't in The Group, but with whom I now exchange texts and emails semi-frequently because I took up the same hobby as him (cycling) after moving away, and he's a bit of a guru for me in that regard, and finally, my lifelong friend who I've known since toddlerhood -- our families have been close for decades, and he and I Face/Time or Zoom chat a few times each year, though we haven't spent any in-person time together in years. So, my friendships are all 'historical,' thinly tethered, and lingering forward, which means that I'm pretty solitary (apart from Mrs. The_Riv and Progenies 1&2) in day-to-day life. Mrs. The_Riv maintains a concern that instead of cultivating new friendships beyond acquaintance status I maintain "shrines" to the friendships that matter(-ed) to me the most.
Life has people everywhere. As a middle school teacher my days are full of students and colleagues, but those are work people, and I'd probably never want to socialize with them (I mean the colleagues, of course). Same for my current church job where I work with a Choir every Sunday and some Wednesdays, but those are work people, too, and I really don't share their beliefs -- I'm just the Music Guy. As far as cycling goes, I ride with regular groups through the spring and summer, but revert to solo riding during the school year, and am always glad to do so. Those are just the guys I ride with. In 14 years of riding I think I've grabbed a meal with one guy one time, and stuck around after a ride for a group lunch one time. Oh yeah, there was a going away party for one cyclist a couple of years ago -- I dropped-in to that for an hour, but then skedaddled. It's true I'm more of an introvert, which compounds things I have no doubt. I tend to view things now from the standpoint that I've been lucky to have had good friendships. But developing new or different ones now? Um... it's just a gentle "No Thank You" from me.
I have a choir friend who has no family nearby, who turned to me for help yesterday which I was unable to give. She was able to get the urgent help she needed from another choir friend who was free. It set me thinking which other friends she has, or not, and to whom we who live alone can turn in time of need.
Classifying people as just a choir friend, or cycling mate or work people suggests you would not consider turning to them in need or helping them if needed.
Sometimes we have to pay for that help, but it is always lovely when friends can support each other. I don’t know at what point an acquaintance or colleague becomes a friend.
Classifying people as just a choir friend, or cycling mate or work people suggests you would not consider turning to them in need or helping them if needed.
You are partially correct -- I would not, save in extreme circumstances, ask for help from members of any of those groups. If asked, however, I wouldn't deny help from any of them.
You won't ask them for help ... do you think they'd ask you? Or are all of you going to do without help unless in extremis?
I think I learned to put a premium on friendship because I spent most of my adult life living alone and expected to spend all of it that way. I quite literally don't know what I'd do without my friends.
Classifying people as just a choir friend, or cycling mate or work people suggests you would not consider turning to them in need or helping them if needed.
You are partially correct -- I would not, save in extreme circumstances, ask for help from members of any of those groups. If asked, however, I wouldn't deny help from any of them.
It struck me you didn’t list any women friends - do you have any ?
You won't ask them for help ... do you think they'd ask you? Or are all of you going to do without help unless in extremis?
I think I learned to put a premium on friendship because I spent most of my adult life living alone and expected to spend all of it that way. I quite literally don't know what I'd do without my friends.
I kinda doubt they'd ask me, but I don't really know. I do hope I'm viewed as someone who could be asked for help, though, however possible that might be as a person closer to the fringes than the center of these groups. I tend to prioritize privacy -- both my own and others's.
Classifying people as just a choir friend, or cycling mate or work people suggests you would not consider turning to them in need or helping them if needed.
You are partially correct -- I would not, save in extreme circumstances, ask for help from members of any of those groups. If asked, however, I wouldn't deny help from any of them.
It struck me you didn’t list any women friends - do you have any ?
I do have a few, but they're also from times gone by, and the wives of some of the men I've mentioned. One unique case is a woman who was a graduate school classmate of mine. We don't stay in regular touch, but I'd count her a friend.
In a fun twist of fate, one of the six guys I mentioned a few posts back is coming to town for a conference next week. We're gonna get to grab dinner and hang out a bit. Excellent!
In a fun twist of fate, one of the six guys I mentioned a few posts back is coming to town for a conference next week. We're gonna get to grab dinner and hang out a bit. Excellent!
Trying to get out of my shell. Beware of scammers, though. Someone I’d met online (but not in person) was going to split a place to go with me and I paid my half and then found it was a scam. Since it was PayPal friends and family, I can’t get my money back. I’ve reported him to the site (Recon) and blocked him.
It can be difficult getting back out and about. My story isn't as dramatic as yours but I drove to a town 40 minutes away yesterday evening to attend a poetry open-mic that had actually taken place the previous evening - what would have been our wedding anniversary. I'd put it on the wrong day in my diary.
It didn't matter particularly as I'd already been to one 40 minutes in another direction on Monday evening. It may sound that two in one week might be excessive and that's probably right, but I couldn't face the prospect of sitting in the house alone.
As it turned out, I drove there and back alone instead. Ok. I'll get myself more organised.
I'm beginning to think that this is it now. I'm probably going to live alone for the rest of my life and so I'd better get used to it. We lose everything eventually apart from God. I'd better consolidate and prepare for that. No more accumulating 'stuff'.
No, I'm not talking about morbidly telling off prayer-knots awaiting the end, but I am talking about putting my life in order.
I'm not entirely sure what that looks like, but it must surely include some form of 'domestic monastic' routine with concern and care for others alongside forms of 'self-care' as they call it these days, that doesn't topple over into self-indulgence.
I'm beginning to think that this is it now. I'm probably going to live alone for the rest of my life and so I'd better get used to it.
If this is not what you want, @Gamma Gamaliel, do not give in to it. I'm in no position to advise you, but I can and want to encourage you to keep moving toward your desired reality, no matter how slowly.
At the risk of sounding ungracious, I'm not sure how many of us can create our 'desired reality.' My desired reality would be to have Mrs Gamaliel back with me but that's clearly not possible.
Whether there could ever be a second Mrs Gamaliel or whether that would be desirable is another issue. It certainly wouldn't be a possibility if I lived like a recluse but at the same time, I'm not sure there's much likelihood given that I currently don't know any potential 'candidates' as it were and I'm hardly likely to shoot hither and yon seeking one out or joining dating sites and the like.
I've never been a Lothario and if anything like that were to happen again it would have to happen naturally and organically or not at all.
I don't think it's defeatist or negative to say that I may have to come to terms with the reality of spending the rest of my life alone because that is a distinct possibility.
I'd rather make the mistake of preparing for that than 'artificially' trying to prevent that by hanging around in bars trying to chat people up or flicking through photos on dating sites. I'd rather stick pins in my eyes.
How do people meet these days? If it's not organically through some mutual interest of some kind it ain't going to happen.
Of course, there are these Rodgers and Hammerstein 'Some Enchanted Evening' moments. I'm sure those happen.
But you can't 'legislate' for them.
Of course, you can put yourself in a positive frame of mind by getting involved with stuff and leading an active and interesting life. I intend to do that.
Everyone who sees my social media posts seems to think I'm having a whale of a time. Photos of interesting places.
Of course they also see the memories at anniversaries and so on.
I don't know whether trying to come to terms with living alone indefinitely is 'giving in' to something in a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of way or whether it's accepting the reality of the situation I find myself in.
I really don't. And none of us have a crystal ball.
I'm not complaining. Just thinking aloud. Thinking allowed.
It's a struggle and varies from day to day or even at different times of day, but yes, the overall trajectory isn't abject misery but a kind of realistic dealing with things ... but I fo have times where it does overwhelm me. That doesn't seem to last long though and I can't discern any particular patterns to any of this - other than particular dates, places and anniversaries.
It's a struggle and varies from day to day or even at different times of day, but yes, the overall trajectory isn't abject misery but a kind of realistic dealing with things ... but I fo have times where it does overwhelm me. That doesn't seem to last long though and I can't discern any particular patterns to any of this - other than particular dates, places and anniversaries.
I don't know how Eastern Orthodoxy approaches this, or if it does at all, but do you ever talk to your deceased wife? Even asking God to make her aware of it, perhaps?
I’m trying to get together with local friends, some of whom are new or newish to me, but then it just falls through. I’ve got so many Facebook friends I wish I could get together with… I don’t know how to ask other than posting “I’m lonely, anyone want to hang out?”
I'd consider sending individualized notes basically saying "I miss you. Let's hang out" Or if it works, get more specific and suggest doing X together where X is something you both enjoy
Oh @ChastMastr -- so sorry -- you only need one invitation to hit home -- forgive the phrase, but carpet bomb your contacts. Treat it like a numbers game?! One will hit the target, surely!
Oh @ChastMastr -- so sorry -- you only need one invitation to hit home -- forgive the phrase, but carpet bomb your contacts. Treat it like a numbers game?! One will hit the target, surely!
Of course. I thank God for your presence here! :-) Really - that sounds like bullshit, but it's not - you're clearly a great bloke. It would be very funny I think if we met, because I would imagine we are polar opposites in many ways - I would fit into a version of a 1950s male stereotype quite easily (manual worker, can't really cook, reluctant to put the heat on), and you give the impression of being a whole lot more groovy - but I find that with a number of old friends, with whom I have almost nothing in common at all except a bunch of memories. I hope you find some people with whom to make those memories - and soon enough, too.
Our mobile home park installed a gas-fed fire ring over a year ago that was never used, so I asked our manager how to light it. We have a park Facebook page, so I invited others to join me tonight. I said I would provide the marshmallows. I had eight people say they would come. I had hoped to make some new friends. Now the weather says to expect rain. So I have moved it up a week. I still have high hopes that I will get to know some new people and one might be a new friend. Meeting new people is so hard when you are new to an area and do not drive. So fingers crossed for sunny skies next week.
I met my partner in a neighborhood winebar. I saw him there on and off -- he moved away and came back -- over the course of 8 years before we started dating, at which point I was 56 and he was 68.
My friend is my age (67) and she's been a widow for eight years. A few months ago she confided that she would like to try dating again. She did the online thing.
She met two frogs (they only wanted sex) but has now met a genuinely lovely man. Also dating for the first time and a widower. He reminds me of my brother.
We've had a few meals with them both and my husband really likes him too (Mr Boogs is very hard to please and doesn't make friends easily).
Of course. I thank God for your presence here! :-) Really - that sounds like bullshit, but it's not - you're clearly a great bloke. It would be very funny I think if we met, because I would imagine we are polar opposites in many ways - I would fit into a version of a 1950s male stereotype quite easily (manual worker, can't really cook, reluctant to put the heat on), and you give the impression of being a whole lot more groovy - but I find that with a number of old friends, with whom I have almost nothing in common at all except a bunch of memories. I hope you find some people with whom to make those memories - and soon enough, too.
Our mobile home park installed a gas-fed fire ring over a year ago that was never used, so I asked our manager how to light it. We have a park Facebook page, so I invited others to join me tonight. I said I would provide the marshmallows. I had eight people say they would come. I had hoped to make some new friends. Now the weather says to expect rain. So I have moved it up a week. I still have high hopes that I will get to know some new people and one might be a new friend. Meeting new people is so hard when you are new to an area and do not drive. So fingers crossed for sunny skies next week.
I went to a local men’s special interest club meeting last night and afterwards hung out with someone who is becoming a better and better friend! Was there till like 3:30 am!
I had a surprise phone call from a friend Thursday night. He's a 58year old alcoholic and he appeared to have been drinking. Untill May 2016 he and his family had lived opposite me in Wolverhampton for over 25 years. We then moved to Sheffield.
He told me that he and his wife had finally split up and he had given the keys of the house to an estate agent. He is sleeping in a armchair in his work lock up. He's a struggling decorator who has not recovered from Covid
They had been together since they were 14 years old. His wife had gone to live with her mother. His eldest daughter no longer speaks to him. Although he does have friends and family, he claims to be alone and plans to rent a small one bedroom flat in the area. He claims to still love his wife. I find it all very sad. He knows he must stop drinking but we know how difficult that is.
I have advised him that he must demonstrate that he's a new person. I am unable to really help him but he knows he can contact me again.
I had a surprise phone call from a friend Thursday night. He's a 58year old alcoholic and he appeared to have been drinking. Untill May 2016 he and his family had lived opposite me in Wolverhampton for over 25 years. We then moved to Sheffield.
He told me that he and his wife had finally split up and he had given the keys of the house to an estate agent. He is sleeping in a armchair in his work lock up. He's a struggling decorator who has not recovered from Covid
They had been together since they were 14 years old. His wife had gone to live with her mother. His eldest daughter no longer speaks to him. Although he does have friends and family, he claims to be alone and plans to rent a small one bedroom flat in the area. He claims to still love his wife. I find it all very sad. He knows he must stop drinking but we know how difficult that is.
I have advised him that he must demonstrate that he's a new person. I am unable to really help him but he knows he can contact me again.
Telford, I do empathise with your situation. I go to AA and was 15 years sober a couple of weeks ago. But I have several old friends who are still deep in the addiction, one of whom in particular I feel very concerned about. Recovery is definitely possible and support services are there, but the person must want to go for it.
Obviously AA requires no waiting list, but if that doesn't suit him there are other support groups out there (many groups, including AA, can be accessed via Zoom). Contact with his GP would be a good idea, as they might have information on local services available, and also he may be in need of a medical detox.
Apologies if this post is 'teaching your grandmother to suck eggs' - you probably know all this already. I understand it really can be difficult to reach people who are inside that cage. But one can be a friend.
Comments
Yes, all of that resonates with me.
It gets you both ways. Old places and new places.
No way around it unless we don't go anywhere and that's no solution either. We just have to go through it.
Lovely photo and so glad you had such a positive experience at the theatre
Must be so tough, love and prayers @Gamma Gamaliel and @Puzzler
That's always difficult. It would have been 31 years.
Thinking of you
After relocating, I fell in with a trio of guys, which was fine, though not exactly what I had left behind, and for a while the four of us hung out occasionally, and with our wives the eight of us would get together for suppers while our collection of seven kids played. Those connections (which included my boss) were church job-related, too. When the job went away after 20 months, though, the friendships suffered and died quickly. I feely admit I was the one who pulled away, but that was the beginning of my decidedly arm's-length approach to most people.
When I think or talk about friends, it's the guys from the early 2000s I refer to. I see a couple of them a couple times a year, and two others once a year. The last pair have drifted away, and I haven't seen or spoken to them for a decade. Besides those guys there's one friend from my first college who I talk to via phone about once a year (our pattern since 1989 when I transferred schools), one other man from the early 2000s church who wasn't in The Group, but with whom I now exchange texts and emails semi-frequently because I took up the same hobby as him (cycling) after moving away, and he's a bit of a guru for me in that regard, and finally, my lifelong friend who I've known since toddlerhood -- our families have been close for decades, and he and I Face/Time or Zoom chat a few times each year, though we haven't spent any in-person time together in years. So, my friendships are all 'historical,' thinly tethered, and lingering forward, which means that I'm pretty solitary (apart from Mrs. The_Riv and Progenies 1&2) in day-to-day life. Mrs. The_Riv maintains a concern that instead of cultivating new friendships beyond acquaintance status I maintain "shrines" to the friendships that matter(-ed) to me the most.
Life has people everywhere. As a middle school teacher my days are full of students and colleagues, but those are work people, and I'd probably never want to socialize with them (I mean the colleagues, of course). Same for my current church job where I work with a Choir every Sunday and some Wednesdays, but those are work people, too, and I really don't share their beliefs -- I'm just the Music Guy. As far as cycling goes, I ride with regular groups through the spring and summer, but revert to solo riding during the school year, and am always glad to do so. Those are just the guys I ride with. In 14 years of riding I think I've grabbed a meal with one guy one time, and stuck around after a ride for a group lunch one time. Oh yeah, there was a going away party for one cyclist a couple of years ago -- I dropped-in to that for an hour, but then skedaddled. It's true I'm more of an introvert, which compounds things I have no doubt. I tend to view things now from the standpoint that I've been lucky to have had good friendships. But developing new or different ones now? Um... it's just a gentle "No Thank You" from me.
Classifying people as just a choir friend, or cycling mate or work people suggests you would not consider turning to them in need or helping them if needed.
Sometimes we have to pay for that help, but it is always lovely when friends can support each other. I don’t know at what point an acquaintance or colleague becomes a friend.
I think I learned to put a premium on friendship because I spent most of my adult life living alone and expected to spend all of it that way. I quite literally don't know what I'd do without my friends.
It struck me you didn’t list any women friends - do you have any ?
I do have a few, but they're also from times gone by, and the wives of some of the men I've mentioned. One unique case is a woman who was a graduate school classmate of mine. We don't stay in regular touch, but I'd count her a friend.
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As @ChastMastr would say hugs and prayers @Gamma Gamaliel
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Yay!!
It can be difficult getting back out and about. My story isn't as dramatic as yours but I drove to a town 40 minutes away yesterday evening to attend a poetry open-mic that had actually taken place the previous evening - what would have been our wedding anniversary. I'd put it on the wrong day in my diary.
It didn't matter particularly as I'd already been to one 40 minutes in another direction on Monday evening. It may sound that two in one week might be excessive and that's probably right, but I couldn't face the prospect of sitting in the house alone.
As it turned out, I drove there and back alone instead. Ok. I'll get myself more organised.
I'm beginning to think that this is it now. I'm probably going to live alone for the rest of my life and so I'd better get used to it. We lose everything eventually apart from God. I'd better consolidate and prepare for that. No more accumulating 'stuff'.
No, I'm not talking about morbidly telling off prayer-knots awaiting the end, but I am talking about putting my life in order.
I'm not entirely sure what that looks like, but it must surely include some form of 'domestic monastic' routine with concern and care for others alongside forms of 'self-care' as they call it these days, that doesn't topple over into self-indulgence.
If this is not what you want, @Gamma Gamaliel, do not give in to it. I'm in no position to advise you, but I can and want to encourage you to keep moving toward your desired reality, no matter how slowly.
Whether there could ever be a second Mrs Gamaliel or whether that would be desirable is another issue. It certainly wouldn't be a possibility if I lived like a recluse but at the same time, I'm not sure there's much likelihood given that I currently don't know any potential 'candidates' as it were and I'm hardly likely to shoot hither and yon seeking one out or joining dating sites and the like.
I've never been a Lothario and if anything like that were to happen again it would have to happen naturally and organically or not at all.
I don't think it's defeatist or negative to say that I may have to come to terms with the reality of spending the rest of my life alone because that is a distinct possibility.
I'd rather make the mistake of preparing for that than 'artificially' trying to prevent that by hanging around in bars trying to chat people up or flicking through photos on dating sites. I'd rather stick pins in my eyes.
How do people meet these days? If it's not organically through some mutual interest of some kind it ain't going to happen.
Of course, there are these Rodgers and Hammerstein 'Some Enchanted Evening' moments. I'm sure those happen.
But you can't 'legislate' for them.
Of course, you can put yourself in a positive frame of mind by getting involved with stuff and leading an active and interesting life. I intend to do that.
Everyone who sees my social media posts seems to think I'm having a whale of a time. Photos of interesting places.
Of course they also see the memories at anniversaries and so on.
I don't know whether trying to come to terms with living alone indefinitely is 'giving in' to something in a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of way or whether it's accepting the reality of the situation I find myself in.
I really don't. And none of us have a crystal ball.
I'm not complaining. Just thinking aloud. Thinking allowed.
The keys I think are prayer, study and fellowship and, not in a cheesy way, to be positive, be sociable and be creative.
Whether we are alone or with someone all those hold good.
I have my moments of sadness, but in general I am realistic and think positively, as I reckon you do, most of the time.
I don't know how Eastern Orthodoxy approaches this, or if it does at all, but do you ever talk to your deceased wife? Even asking God to make her aware of it, perhaps?
Yes, I'm sure we'll pray.
Loneliness puts us in a vulnerable position. You've already described the scam incident. 😒
Are there any groups you can join? Any volunteering opportunities?
Those things won't eradicate the loneliness completely if we live alone buy they can alleviate it.
That might be worth doing…
Of course. I thank God for your presence here! :-) Really - that sounds like bullshit, but it's not - you're clearly a great bloke. It would be very funny I think if we met, because I would imagine we are polar opposites in many ways - I would fit into a version of a 1950s male stereotype quite easily (manual worker, can't really cook, reluctant to put the heat on), and you give the impression of being a whole lot more groovy - but I find that with a number of old friends, with whom I have almost nothing in common at all except a bunch of memories. I hope you find some people with whom to make those memories - and soon enough, too.
She met two frogs (they only wanted sex) but has now met a genuinely lovely man. Also dating for the first time and a widower. He reminds me of my brother.
We've had a few meals with them both and my husband really likes him too (Mr Boogs is very hard to please and doesn't make friends easily).
❤️❤️❤️
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He told me that he and his wife had finally split up and he had given the keys of the house to an estate agent. He is sleeping in a armchair in his work lock up. He's a struggling decorator who has not recovered from Covid
They had been together since they were 14 years old. His wife had gone to live with her mother. His eldest daughter no longer speaks to him. Although he does have friends and family, he claims to be alone and plans to rent a small one bedroom flat in the area. He claims to still love his wife. I find it all very sad. He knows he must stop drinking but we know how difficult that is.
I have advised him that he must demonstrate that he's a new person. I am unable to really help him but he knows he can contact me again.
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My father was an alcoholic and my brother is 'in recovery.'
It's a terrible, terrible thing.
Obviously AA requires no waiting list, but if that doesn't suit him there are other support groups out there (many groups, including AA, can be accessed via Zoom). Contact with his GP would be a good idea, as they might have information on local services available, and also he may be in need of a medical detox.
Apologies if this post is 'teaching your grandmother to suck eggs' - you probably know all this already. I understand it really can be difficult to reach people who are inside that cage. But one can be a friend.