The elder Gamalielette has an ADHD coach for a while and it seemed to work for her.
These things never 'go away' but can be 'managed' to a certain extent.
FWIW @ThunderBunk, your posts don't 'irritate' me, although I don't always agree with them. I often find them insightful even though I'm generally on a 'different page.'
The conference I am attending has an interesting innovation. There are green, yellow and red coloured stickers you are invited to attach to your conference badge:
green = happy to socialise, feel free to approach me
yellow = willing to socialise, but I may have some difficulty
red = please do not approach me
The badges are on lanyards and are two sided. One of my acquaintances has put a green sticker on one side and a red on the other, so that he can give himself some space if he needs it.
I wonder if having a sort of signal system like that, in life in general, might be a helpful thing?
Sounds like the “traffic light parties” that were popular in nightclubs when I was at university. Green clothes, in the delightful vernacular of the time, meant “down to fuck”, red meant not interested so don’t even bother (usually because the person concerned was already in a relationship, but there were some who just wanted to drink and dance with their mates), and yellow meant open to the idea of a relationship but I’m not going home with you tonight. It worked quite well.
I had forgotten that @Bishops Finger asked for a report on how the social conversation / no social conversation badge-stickers worked out at the conference. Unfortunately, it was difficult to tell - because only a minority of people took the option to use the stickers.
The conference as a whole was not on too overwhelming a scale (about 800 people there in person, spread out over a lot of parallel events - compared to the big US conference for the same discipline, which gets around 11,000 people each year). So I think it was possible to seek out or avoid company, as one preferred, anyway.
Despite my mission to increase social engagement, I couldn't face the massive conference dinner / dance though - normally a bit overwhelming and you have to face the luck of the draw with unallocated seating.
I've realised - and I wonder if this is a common experience? - that when I had a leadership role I was required to mix and engage at events and did so. But I was doing it 'in character' and making social chit-chat as myself feels quite different.
Covering some lectures for a colleague in the coming weeks is bringing me some social contact meanwhile - it's a big team-taught class, so there are quite a few of us involved.
I have mixed feelings about being alone. At one point, years ago, in my 20s, friends and flat mates were trying to set me up with guys, and also single female friends were constantly complaining about being single, so my life started to look wrong - I was expected to have a partner, to get married, life was seen as terrible if you were single, and I also noticed that being married, or at least part of a couple, gained people a certain respect in society.
So I dated guys, but I didn't feel any particular interest in dating, other than an interesting new experience. I didn't feel any desire for any of these guys. One had a quirky sense of humour, which I liked, so I got friends to set us up, but I didn't like this experience of dating, because I realised he had feelings for me which I didn't have for him. I just enjoyed his friendship - I didn't want his body. I didn't get these feelings you were supposed to get. I wondered if I was a lesbian, tried to muster up feelings for women, but there were no feelings, no desire for sex or kissing or romance, with either male or female people. I was sure I must be repressed.
I remember writing an online diary thing in the early days on the internet, all anonymous, where I wrote all about this - I joined a dating site, I went on dates, determined that I must find a husband because this was the normal adult thing to do, and I wrote about it in my online diary, lamenting the fact that I was sexually repressed. One day a friend on this site told me I wasn't sexually repressed, as sexually repressed people don't talk freely about being sexually repressed - she told me I was probably asexual. I'd never heard this word, I searched online and read up and realised that yes, this fit me, and I was quite relieved that this was a way of being, that it was okay, that I could quit this search for a husband I didn't even want!
Fast forward to my middle aged self, and my feelings are mixed. I still have no desire for sex, no sexual attraction to anyone, but sometimes I think it would be easier not to be alone. Executive dysfunction is a huge part of my neurodivergence - I find it far easier to get started on things, to get things done, to organise myself, to be motivated and cheerful, if other people are around me. I get depressed and demotivated. It can be fun to chat to others, it can be nice to have others around, I like being challenged (in a friendly way) on my views, I like humour and joking. But equally, as another part of my neurodivergence, I can easily be misunderstood and misunderstand others, there can be friction, and human interaction can be difficult, exhausting and upsetting. But it would be easier, practically, to look after a home, do all the things one is supposed to do, if there were several people with different skills.
When I had flat mates in my 20s, I always thought I liked it best when they were out and I had the flat to myself. I was really happy when I got my own place, but now I miss some things about having flat mates, such as having a cleaning rota and being accountable to each other, as well as the banter, and doing social things together. My home now is a truly cluttered mess, and it overwhelms and depresses me. Sometimes I think the ideal situation would be a shared home with single friends, like the Golden Girls, but I also suspect I'm probably too stuck in my ways, and arrangements like that aren't usual anyway. And I probably still would like it best when I had the house to myself!
But as for the question about meaningful solitude, I think that came to me more easily when I was younger. These days I'm more restless, I am often looking for distractions, often wanting to go out, frustrated when I have to stay in (like today, I have too much fatigue to go out, so I'm in my bed, and that is annoying me - having various health issues is another thing that can make living alone feel isolating). I find myself wanting to 'seize the day' - to do something nice each day, to find new and different things to do - and my mind seems increasingly all over the place, no longer easily able to settle on reading a book for a few hours. So clearly being alone for all these years hasn't brought me to a point of meaningful solitude.
It’s possible (as you know) for an asexual person to share a home, life or even marriage with someone who knew what the deal was and who was compatible. And there’sa chance i myself could wind up living with a friend if (as sends likely) i outlive my husband, and my son is serving out of state. I don’t think i really care about the “it’s not done” bit. I don’t want to be lonely.
@Lamb Chopped Oh, yes, I know - it just narrows things a lot in the 'dating' game, and I'm socially awkward anyway, so it feels like a lot of effort to go searching for people who want to share a home with an asexual person, and then out of these people to find one I click with and could share with. Especially as I find it hard enough even to make friends. If I decided to do this, it would take all my energy, and I don't currently have energy to spare. But it is something i don't rule out as a possibility.
Sharing a home amicably takes IME a lot of bonding to tolerate their domestic habits. Plus, when one or other of you needs care through illness or infirmity, you need love. It doesn't have to be based on pair bonding: I remember tending to my MiL's ulcerating sores because I loved her for herself.
Much as I enjoy meeting up with people I know, I find I am always glad to get home to my own place. Even though I miss having someone to tell about where I’ve been, what happened etc, it is good that I now feel comfortable in my own space and with my own company.
Much as I enjoy meeting up with people I know, I find I am always glad to get home to my own place. Even though I miss having someone to tell about where I’ve been, what happened etc, it is good that I now feel comfortable in my own space and with my own company.
I relate. It's wonderful to come home and be with my kitties!
I took the feeling too far today and did not leave the house despite it being my perfect weather. I didn’ t achieve anything much at home either. Disappointed in myself. My mood improved when it was time for choir.
Don’t be hard on yourself @Puzzler you almost certainly needed the rest - either psychologically or physically. It does the field good to lie fallow for a time.
I made myself go out for a long walk yesterday afternoon after a reasonably productive morning. Black Dog stalked me but I outwalked him, scooped up some litter and later called in to see a friend for a cuppa.
I also met a neighbour walking on the road and walked with her to lift her mood. She can get depressed. She has flashbacks to a serious accident 48 years ago, lives alone and has a son who nearly died of cancer. I like to chat whenever I see her gamely trundling along with her walking aid. It does us both good.
I'm not sharing any of this to be a Goody Two-Shoes but to indicate that tomorrow can be another day.
I had two excruciating days last week. Grief, disappointment, a sense of purposelesness and loss. I wouldn't wish them on anyone.
I'm not out of the woods yet. Similar days may lay ahead. But we press on.
Not beating ourselves up is a good place to start. Don't reproach yourself.
One of the hardest things to do alone is walking, I find. (Not that Mr P ever walked with me. ) I can’t walk very far : even walking round the block would be good exercise but I really have to force myself. If I go to a country park, I feel somewhat nervous as an older lady on my own if it is very quiet, or conspicuously alone if it is full of family groups and couples. Yet my daughter runs for miles alone.
That's interesting @Puzzler - we are all different I guess.
Walking and running are the bits of alone-ness I generally do like. If I am out for my run early enough, I might be passed by one or two cars (sometimes none) but very rarely see anyone else on foot (well, two feet anyway - some horses, sheep, cattle and occasional deer are much more likely).
If you want to build up your walking for health reasons here are some options that might feel safer:
- Galleries / museums. For example, there are a couple of free ones in Dundee, which is a bus ride away from me. A tour round one of them takes at least half an hour if just stopping at favourite paintings, a lot more if looking at new exhibitions. I like wandering around them and I am in one or other of them at least once a week. If you find yourself tiring, there will be seats by some of the best paintings with any luck!
- Use buses. If you have a reasonable service (and a bus pass!) there is always some walking to and from bus-stops at either end. If you don't have a particular need to go somewhere, just go to a café for a coffee. Take something to write in and people will assume you are a mature student and no-one minds if you are there for an hour...
- Gyms. Plenty of people use treadmills at gyms just for walking, with the bonus that you can put it on a slight incline to build up your strength too. You would also have the benefit of the bikes and rowing machines too if you fancied a go. While the gym I use serves a university and sometimes I am the oldest person there, it also has community members and I have seen people who must be over 80 in there so all ages are catered for.
- Ramblers.
I think it helps my mood to get outside, even briefly, every day. The only times I am in two minds are when the pavements are very icy or the rain is very heavy and horizontal.
I think 'We are all different' should be the mantra for this thread.
I like walking alone or with groups but am still fit and active enough to do both. I tend not to go to country parks that often though, as they aren't 'country' enough. 😉
But then, other people love them. 'We are all different.'
Our local Ramblers group arranges short walks on summer evenings in order to cater for people of all abilities. Generally, though, groups like that tend to go in for walks that would tax many people.
'We are all different.'
Some people are pleased to have become 'sexually invisible' as they put it. Others would no doubt jump at the chance to become 'sexually visible.'
'We are all different.'
The thing I'm picking up from this thread is how there are no blanket answers to any of this. Some are happy to be alone. Others aren't.
Somehow we have to learn to deal with whatever cards we are dealt.
I agree, there are no blanket answers - but it’s helpful (to me anyway) to hear what does or does not work for others, and to entertain some new possibilities. I think that might lead me to offer suggestions which miss the mark sometimes, or seem patronising - sorry if so.
The mantra idea made me think of that bit in one of the Python movies, though:
Yes, we are all different, and what works for one doesn’t work for another, but I appreciate all points of view and suggestions. Thanks @Cameron for yours.
I find that some events make being alone worse, such as endless e-mail spam and many calls from telemarketers. Listening to my neighbors' children at play has the opposite effect.
(I wanted to say how much I enjoyed this thread. My life is rather lonely, though I have a family. I am lucky to have some good friends and colleagues - your thoughts remind me to work harder to appreciate them).
I am in the middle of three days of no outside events, but lots to do at home. I am not bored. But I know I need to get out of the house and interact today, even if it is (just) a shop assistant.
@HarryCH your comment really resonated with me as I particularly notice phone calls which occur during the day, I always check the numbers before answering and yes, most of them are from imposters pretending to work for various companies.
When we moved house about 5 years ago I really noticed the absence of people in the neighbourhood during the day. It is different since covid as I now tend to see walkers scattered throughout the day, and a really lovely introduction has been a new childcare centre built about half a kilometre from my house, it's closer as the crow flies, and I hear the children out in the playground and that makes me feel more connected to community. I love walking past the centre and hearing the children enjoying their playground.
I am feeling lonely this weekend. I have three neighbors I swim with several days a week. I say swim, but it is often floating around the pool talking. Now that my hearing worsens, I find I can not follow what others are saying. I have the same problem even with my aids when in large event rooms. I can not join in pot-lucks because not only can I not eat, as I am on a restricted diet because of Kidney disease, but I can not hear in a crowded room. I have a son who visits each week, and I have my neighbors with whom I can talk easily one-on-one, but I do miss my late husband and having a best friend since I moved. No longer driving is also an issue. I just long for a good friend that I can spend time with one on one. Pitty Party over, thanks for reading. This too shall pass. I am lucky to have made new neighbor friends and have a son near by I know
I am feeling lonely this weekend. I have three neighbors I swim with several days a week. I say swim, but it is often floating around the pool talking. Now that my hearing worsens, I find I can not follow what others are saying. I have the same problem even with my aids when in large event rooms. I can not join in pot-lucks because not only can I not eat, as I am on a restricted diet because of Kidney disease, but I can not hear in a crowded room. I have a son who visits each week, and I have my neighbors with whom I can talk easily one-on-one, but I do miss my late husband and having a best friend since I moved. No longer driving is also an issue. I just long for a good friend that I can spend time with one on one. Pitty Party over, thanks for reading. This too shall pass. I am lucky to have made new neighbor friends and have a son near by I know
Hey GI. You reminded me of when a few years back I borrowed a no-longer-needed pair of hearing aids from an older lady at our church (who by then had some fancier ones) when I was trying to fix the loop system which runs off our church microphones. I used to work in noise and vibration engineering, and knew a little about hearing loss - and I was still surprised when wearing these aids, how poor directional localisation and hearing-in-background-noise could be. I'm sorry to hear that this limits you socially - but I can very much understand why this should be so, and (from things other friends tell me who use them) this seems to be a very common experience.
This won't be much help as winter approaches - but I wonder if socialising with groups outside, rather than indoors, might help. Reverberant environments might be expected to make speech really unintelligible in a group (a swimming pool being about as bad as a railway station or a large church!) whereas outside, that would not be an issue.
@mark_in_manchester, It is terrible in the pool because I do not wear my hearing aids when swimming. I do indeed have a problem at church. I do well inside with low ceilings and a few people. When you add people who wear masks or have a strong accent, IE my doctor, it is indeed a problem. When the pool closes for the winter, I am thinking of inviting my neighbors to gather for tea and some games. One needs to be proactive in finding social connections, I think. Most days, I feel fine; just now and again, I am having a lonely day. So thanks, shipmates, for your care. It makes me feel brighter already.
I know.
My next issue will be Christmas. I don’t want my children to put their arrangements out in order that I won’t be alone, but in the normal scheme of things they would both be away this year. Just had a preliminary conversation with my daughter who has the added complication of sharing her children with their father.
It is not just The Day. I think I would be ok with that on my own, but it is ten days without my usual routine activities and meet ups that I find hard.
I found not only was I fine being alone at Christmas, but I really wanted it. I had family over for Christmas Eve Brunch, so they did not think about me being alone for Christmas. The hard one was the week after Christmas, which was our wedding anniversary. It was a time when we always went away together. Not sure how I am going to handle that this year.
My husband used to go away on Boxing Day for about 5 days to visit his family. When I was working I really appreciated that time, to catch up with myself and with my family, but since retirement that time was less needed. Now I am on my own it can stretch endlessly as choirs and other groups take a break.
Next week would have been our wedding anniversary and 18 months since he died.
Heart-felt commiserations, @Puzzler. It would have been our wedding anniversary next week too and it's coming up for six years since my wife died.
I'd like to be able to say that it gets easier but it doesn't.
I don't think it does anyone any favours to pretend otherwise. There would be something wrong if it did.
But there are no hard and fast 'rules' and I have met people who seem to have adjusted and 'moved on' quite well - if we can put it that way. We are all different.
I find things fluctuate. I went for a walk with some old university friends in the grounds of a National Trust property yesterday. I'd visited it once with my wife and did feel a few pangs. I bought some quince and poached some for my breakfast this morning and will use the rest in recipes and in jams and jellies.
It's bitter-sweet but there is consolation in knowing that Mrs Gamaliel would have approved.
My husband used to go away on Boxing Day for about 5 days to visit his family. When I was working I really appreciated that time, to catch up with myself and with my family, but since retirement that time was less needed. Now I am on my own it can stretch endlessly as choirs and other groups take a break.
Next week would have been our wedding anniversary and 18 months since he died.
Heart-felt commiserations, @Puzzler. It would have been our wedding anniversary next week too and it's coming up for six years since my wife died.
I'd like to be able to say that it gets easier but it doesn't.
I don't think it does anyone any favours to pretend otherwise. There would be something wrong if it did.
But there are no hard and fast 'rules' and I have met people who seem to have adjusted and 'moved on' quite well - if we can put it that way. We are all different.
I find things fluctuate. I went for a walk with some old university friends in the grounds of a National Trust property yesterday. I'd visited it once with my wife and did feel a few pangs. I bought some quince and poached some for my breakfast this morning and will use the rest in recipes and in jams and jellies.
It's bitter-sweet but there is consolation in knowing that Mrs Gamaliel would have approved.
I notice in Richard Osman’s murder mysteries there is always a running theme of coping with loss of a partner - it reads, from my perspective as someone who hasn’t been though it, as sensitively done. I wonder if they are stories you would find it comforting to read, it sometimes helps to feel seen.
That's an interesting suggestion. I have written poems about these issues which I've shared with my poetry group from time to time.
I am always wary of doing so, not only for the effect it has on me, but as there are people there who have been through loss and trauma. I've always found it cathartic. No-one seems to mind, either.
That's a more 'active' and higher risk thing than reading about these things in fictional form, but I can see how that would help.
I too am rather wary about Christmas...my first one since A died in January.Last Christmas was a whirlwind of cancer, chemo aftermath, jaundice, pain, weakness....but she was determined to cook Christmas lunch and we did make it a kind of special celebration, just the two of us plus her son, heres a photo of our Christmas lunch https://photos.app.goo.gl/GRtvCPpeDDEANV3k7
In other news, last night I went to the theatre on my own for the first time. A musical...something she would have loved. I really felt close to her as I tried to 'include' her on this occasion, by wearing some of her clothes, boots and coat, using the perfume that I only ever used when we went out together in the evenings, making sure I was wearing the necklace that contained her ashes etc. A most enjoyable evening. Will definitely do this again.
I am glad it was an enjoyable occasion for you. I find I am wary of going to places I went to with my husband. It can spark moments of intense sadness.
I often go to a large out of town store. Sometimes he used to come with me, but not always. The first time I went there after he died, when I walked through the men’s clothing section, I felt I would never be able to go there again, but I have and it is ok now. The other place is a particular Methodist church with which he had a very close association. Recently I went to a joint Harvest service there as it is in the same village as my Anglican church. That was extremely poignant, and I struggled.
On the other hand, discovering new places and not being able to share the experience can also be tricky.
Just this morning my plumber told me about someone we both know who now has a new partner, and tried to go to a favourite restaurant but couldn’t because of past memories.
I too am rather wary about Christmas...my first one since A died in January.Last Christmas was a whirlwind of cancer, chemo aftermath, jaundice, pain, weakness....but she was determined to cook Christmas lunch and we did make it a kind of special celebration, just the two of us plus her son, heres a photo of our Christmas lunch https://photos.app.goo.gl/GRtvCPpeDDEANV3k7
In other news, last night I went to the theatre on my own for the first time. A musical...something she would have loved. I really felt close to her as I tried to 'include' her on this occasion, by wearing some of her clothes, boots and coat, using the perfume that I only ever used when we went out together in the evenings, making sure I was wearing the necklace that contained her ashes etc. A most enjoyable evening. Will definitely do this again.
I am glad it was an enjoyable occasion for you. I find I am wary of going to places I went to with my husband. It can spark moments of intense sadness.
I often go to a large out of town store. Sometimes he used to come with me, but not always. The first time I went there after he died, when I walked through the men’s clothing section, I felt I would never be able to go there again, but I have and it is ok now. The other place is a particular Methodist church with which he had a very close association. Recently I went to a joint Harvest service there as it is in the same village as my Anglican church. That was extremely poignant, and I struggled.
On the other hand, discovering new places and not being able to share the experience can also be tricky.
Just this morning my plumber told me about someone we both know who now has a new partner, and tried to go to a favourite restaurant but couldn’t because of past memories.
Comments
These things never 'go away' but can be 'managed' to a certain extent.
FWIW @ThunderBunk, your posts don't 'irritate' me, although I don't always agree with them. I often find them insightful even though I'm generally on a 'different page.'
Keep posting.
I believe I relate, to one degree or another, though everyone's experiences are different with both of these things... sending hugs.
Sounds like the “traffic light parties” that were popular in nightclubs when I was at university. Green clothes, in the delightful vernacular of the time, meant “down to fuck”, red meant not interested so don’t even bother (usually because the person concerned was already in a relationship, but there were some who just wanted to drink and dance with their mates), and yellow meant open to the idea of a relationship but I’m not going home with you tonight. It worked quite well.
The conference as a whole was not on too overwhelming a scale (about 800 people there in person, spread out over a lot of parallel events - compared to the big US conference for the same discipline, which gets around 11,000 people each year). So I think it was possible to seek out or avoid company, as one preferred, anyway.
Despite my mission to increase social engagement, I couldn't face the massive conference dinner / dance though - normally a bit overwhelming and you have to face the luck of the draw with unallocated seating.
I've realised - and I wonder if this is a common experience? - that when I had a leadership role I was required to mix and engage at events and did so. But I was doing it 'in character' and making social chit-chat as myself feels quite different.
Covering some lectures for a colleague in the coming weeks is bringing me some social contact meanwhile - it's a big team-taught class, so there are quite a few of us involved.
So I dated guys, but I didn't feel any particular interest in dating, other than an interesting new experience. I didn't feel any desire for any of these guys. One had a quirky sense of humour, which I liked, so I got friends to set us up, but I didn't like this experience of dating, because I realised he had feelings for me which I didn't have for him. I just enjoyed his friendship - I didn't want his body. I didn't get these feelings you were supposed to get. I wondered if I was a lesbian, tried to muster up feelings for women, but there were no feelings, no desire for sex or kissing or romance, with either male or female people. I was sure I must be repressed.
I remember writing an online diary thing in the early days on the internet, all anonymous, where I wrote all about this - I joined a dating site, I went on dates, determined that I must find a husband because this was the normal adult thing to do, and I wrote about it in my online diary, lamenting the fact that I was sexually repressed. One day a friend on this site told me I wasn't sexually repressed, as sexually repressed people don't talk freely about being sexually repressed - she told me I was probably asexual. I'd never heard this word, I searched online and read up and realised that yes, this fit me, and I was quite relieved that this was a way of being, that it was okay, that I could quit this search for a husband I didn't even want!
Fast forward to my middle aged self, and my feelings are mixed. I still have no desire for sex, no sexual attraction to anyone, but sometimes I think it would be easier not to be alone. Executive dysfunction is a huge part of my neurodivergence - I find it far easier to get started on things, to get things done, to organise myself, to be motivated and cheerful, if other people are around me. I get depressed and demotivated. It can be fun to chat to others, it can be nice to have others around, I like being challenged (in a friendly way) on my views, I like humour and joking. But equally, as another part of my neurodivergence, I can easily be misunderstood and misunderstand others, there can be friction, and human interaction can be difficult, exhausting and upsetting. But it would be easier, practically, to look after a home, do all the things one is supposed to do, if there were several people with different skills.
When I had flat mates in my 20s, I always thought I liked it best when they were out and I had the flat to myself. I was really happy when I got my own place, but now I miss some things about having flat mates, such as having a cleaning rota and being accountable to each other, as well as the banter, and doing social things together. My home now is a truly cluttered mess, and it overwhelms and depresses me. Sometimes I think the ideal situation would be a shared home with single friends, like the Golden Girls, but I also suspect I'm probably too stuck in my ways, and arrangements like that aren't usual anyway. And I probably still would like it best when I had the house to myself!
But as for the question about meaningful solitude, I think that came to me more easily when I was younger. These days I'm more restless, I am often looking for distractions, often wanting to go out, frustrated when I have to stay in (like today, I have too much fatigue to go out, so I'm in my bed, and that is annoying me - having various health issues is another thing that can make living alone feel isolating). I find myself wanting to 'seize the day' - to do something nice each day, to find new and different things to do - and my mind seems increasingly all over the place, no longer easily able to settle on reading a book for a few hours. So clearly being alone for all these years hasn't brought me to a point of meaningful solitude.
I got out to a men’s event last night! Hopefully this will also lead to more connections. ❤️
I relate. It's wonderful to come home and be with my kitties!
I did last week. Two days in fact.
I made myself go out for a long walk yesterday afternoon after a reasonably productive morning. Black Dog stalked me but I outwalked him, scooped up some litter and later called in to see a friend for a cuppa.
I also met a neighbour walking on the road and walked with her to lift her mood. She can get depressed. She has flashbacks to a serious accident 48 years ago, lives alone and has a son who nearly died of cancer. I like to chat whenever I see her gamely trundling along with her walking aid. It does us both good.
I'm not sharing any of this to be a Goody Two-Shoes but to indicate that tomorrow can be another day.
I had two excruciating days last week. Grief, disappointment, a sense of purposelesness and loss. I wouldn't wish them on anyone.
I'm not out of the woods yet. Similar days may lay ahead. But we press on.
Not beating ourselves up is a good place to start. Don't reproach yourself.
Walking and running are the bits of alone-ness I generally do like. If I am out for my run early enough, I might be passed by one or two cars (sometimes none) but very rarely see anyone else on foot (well, two feet anyway - some horses, sheep, cattle and occasional deer are much more likely).
If you want to build up your walking for health reasons here are some options that might feel safer:
- Galleries / museums. For example, there are a couple of free ones in Dundee, which is a bus ride away from me. A tour round one of them takes at least half an hour if just stopping at favourite paintings, a lot more if looking at new exhibitions. I like wandering around them and I am in one or other of them at least once a week. If you find yourself tiring, there will be seats by some of the best paintings with any luck!
- Use buses. If you have a reasonable service (and a bus pass!) there is always some walking to and from bus-stops at either end. If you don't have a particular need to go somewhere, just go to a café for a coffee. Take something to write in and people will assume you are a mature student and no-one minds if you are there for an hour...
- Gyms. Plenty of people use treadmills at gyms just for walking, with the bonus that you can put it on a slight incline to build up your strength too. You would also have the benefit of the bikes and rowing machines too if you fancied a go. While the gym I use serves a university and sometimes I am the oldest person there, it also has community members and I have seen people who must be over 80 in there so all ages are catered for.
- Ramblers.
I think it helps my mood to get outside, even briefly, every day. The only times I am in two minds are when the pavements are very icy or the rain is very heavy and horizontal.
I like walking alone or with groups but am still fit and active enough to do both. I tend not to go to country parks that often though, as they aren't 'country' enough. 😉
But then, other people love them. 'We are all different.'
Our local Ramblers group arranges short walks on summer evenings in order to cater for people of all abilities. Generally, though, groups like that tend to go in for walks that would tax many people.
'We are all different.'
Some people are pleased to have become 'sexually invisible' as they put it. Others would no doubt jump at the chance to become 'sexually visible.'
'We are all different.'
The thing I'm picking up from this thread is how there are no blanket answers to any of this. Some are happy to be alone. Others aren't.
Somehow we have to learn to deal with whatever cards we are dealt.
Some will find that easier than others.
'We are all different.'
The mantra idea made me think of that bit in one of the Python movies, though:
Speaking to crowd: “You are all individuals!”
Lone voice in response “I’m not!”
———
“We are all different!”
“Not me!”
———
When we moved house about 5 years ago I really noticed the absence of people in the neighbourhood during the day. It is different since covid as I now tend to see walkers scattered throughout the day, and a really lovely introduction has been a new childcare centre built about half a kilometre from my house, it's closer as the crow flies, and I hear the children out in the playground and that makes me feel more connected to community. I love walking past the centre and hearing the children enjoying their playground.
I never like hearing or reading 'This too shall pass', as I'm not sure it does. Not that I resent @Graven Image for posting that.
We all have to crack on.
Hey GI. You reminded me of when a few years back I borrowed a no-longer-needed pair of hearing aids from an older lady at our church (who by then had some fancier ones) when I was trying to fix the loop system which runs off our church microphones. I used to work in noise and vibration engineering, and knew a little about hearing loss - and I was still surprised when wearing these aids, how poor directional localisation and hearing-in-background-noise could be. I'm sorry to hear that this limits you socially - but I can very much understand why this should be so, and (from things other friends tell me who use them) this seems to be a very common experience.
This won't be much help as winter approaches - but I wonder if socialising with groups outside, rather than indoors, might help. Reverberant environments might be expected to make speech really unintelligible in a group (a swimming pool being about as bad as a railway station or a large church!) whereas outside, that would not be an issue.
I'm getting around, visiting old friends and trying to keep busy but this time of year holds some significant anniversaries and memories.
I'm still healthy, have no immediate stresses or concerns save the usual ones parents might entertain about their kids.
And yet, and yet...
My next issue will be Christmas. I don’t want my children to put their arrangements out in order that I won’t be alone, but in the normal scheme of things they would both be away this year. Just had a preliminary conversation with my daughter who has the added complication of sharing her children with their father.
It is not just The Day. I think I would be ok with that on my own, but it is ten days without my usual routine activities and meet ups that I find hard.
Next week would have been our wedding anniversary and 18 months since he died.
I'd like to be able to say that it gets easier but it doesn't.
I don't think it does anyone any favours to pretend otherwise. There would be something wrong if it did.
But there are no hard and fast 'rules' and I have met people who seem to have adjusted and 'moved on' quite well - if we can put it that way. We are all different.
I find things fluctuate. I went for a walk with some old university friends in the grounds of a National Trust property yesterday. I'd visited it once with my wife and did feel a few pangs. I bought some quince and poached some for my breakfast this morning and will use the rest in recipes and in jams and jellies.
It's bitter-sweet but there is consolation in knowing that Mrs Gamaliel would have approved.
🕯
🕯
I am always wary of doing so, not only for the effect it has on me, but as there are people there who have been through loss and trauma. I've always found it cathartic. No-one seems to mind, either.
That's a more 'active' and higher risk thing than reading about these things in fictional form, but I can see how that would help.
In other news, last night I went to the theatre on my own for the first time. A musical...something she would have loved. I really felt close to her as I tried to 'include' her on this occasion, by wearing some of her clothes, boots and coat, using the perfume that I only ever used when we went out together in the evenings, making sure I was wearing the necklace that contained her ashes etc. A most enjoyable evening. Will definitely do this again.
I often go to a large out of town store. Sometimes he used to come with me, but not always. The first time I went there after he died, when I walked through the men’s clothing section, I felt I would never be able to go there again, but I have and it is ok now. The other place is a particular Methodist church with which he had a very close association. Recently I went to a joint Harvest service there as it is in the same village as my Anglican church. That was extremely poignant, and I struggled.
On the other hand, discovering new places and not being able to share the experience can also be tricky.
Just this morning my plumber told me about someone we both know who now has a new partner, and tried to go to a favourite restaurant but couldn’t because of past memories.
Infinite hugs.