No joke at all, at all...
Three Old Codgers are discussing the less pleasant aspects of getting old.
1st OC 'I have such a job trying to pee in the morning - I strain and I squeeze, and all I get is a trickle.' 2nd OC ' I have trouble trying to poo - I grunt and I groan, and all I get is raisins!' 3rd OC 'I pee a lovely golden shower every morning at 7 o'clock, and I poo lovely juicy plums at 8 o'clock!!' 1st & 2nd OCs 'So what's the problem?' 3rd OC 'I don't wake up until 9 o'clock...'
Thor, the Norse god, decides to come to Midgard for a bit of mortal nookie. He manifests as a muscled, handsome warrior and not surprisingly manages to cop off with a young lady fairly quickly.
After a very energetic weekend, he decides he ought to be honest about who he is, and, so, as they lie panting on a bed for about the fortieth time, says "there's something I need to tell you. I'm Thor"
"You're Thor?" she replies "*You're* Thor? I can hardly bear to pith!"
Thor, the Norse god, decides to come to Midgard for a bit of mortal nookie. He manifests as a muscled, handsome warrior and not surprisingly manages to cop off with a young lady fairly quickly.
After a very energetic weekend, he decides he ought to be honest about who he is, and, so, as they lie panting on a bed for about the fortieth time, says "there's something I need to tell you. I'm Thor"
"You're Thor?" she replies "*You're* Thor? I can hardly bear to pith!"
The President of the United States (was it George Bush?) was visiting an old folks' home and asked one of the residents: "Do you know who I am?" "No, dear," she said, "but ask Matron - she will know."
This is a true story
When I was working as a social worker, my psychiatrist colleague was carrying out a cognitive test with an elderly woman.
He asked her if she knew who the Prime Minister was, ( at the time it was Tony Blair)
She thought for a moment before replying
“ I can’t remember his name dear, but he’s quite a dish”
Two tourists are passing through Kissimmee, Florida, and are arguing about how to pronounce it. They go to a restaurant and one of them asks the server, "Please, very slowly pronounce the name of this place." The server says, "Burrrr-gerrrr Kiiiiiiinnnng."
I have puzzled hard, but I just don’t get it. Has the meaning dropped into the Atlantic?
Two tourists are passing through Kissimmee, Florida, and are arguing about how to pronounce it. They go to a restaurant and one of them asks the server, "Please, very slowly pronounce the name of this place." The server says, "Burrrr-gerrrr Kiiiiiiinnnng."
I have puzzled hard, but I just don’t get it. Has the meaning dropped into the Atlantic?
'This place' as in 'this town' vs 'this place' as in 'this restaurant'.
I think it's that the tourists thought they were asking how the odd place name Kissimmee was pronounced. The person serving misunderstood the question and said 'Burger King' (i.e. the name of the café) really slowly as though they were talking to someone who was very stupid.
Two tourists are passing through Kissimmee, Florida, and are arguing about how to pronounce it. They go to a restaurant and one of them asks the server, "Please, very slowly pronounce the name of this place." The server says, "Burrrr-gerrrr Kiiiiiiinnnng."
I have puzzled hard, but I just don’t get it. Has the meaning dropped into the Atlantic?
'This place' as in 'this town' vs 'this place' as in 'this restaurant'.
I thought it was quite funny.
Thank you, for some reason I couldn’t see Burger King. Must have a screwloose!
All of the religious orders were attending a convention. They were all there: Dominicans, Franciscans, Benedictines, Jesuits -- you name it.
The discussion turned to which order God loved best. A heated debate ensued. Finally, a little Franciscan nun got up and begged, "Stop arguing, please! I'll write a letter to God and ask him whom he loves best."
Naturally she was laughed out of the room. But what the good worthies didn't know was that she was a very holy nun, and when she wrote a letter to God she got an answer! To wit:
Dear Sister:
Thank you for your inquiry into which order I love best. Actually all of my orders do good work in the world, and I don't favor any one over another. I love them all equally.
If you're with a gullible friend, ask them to "Spell the word 'image' out loud and then say 'lightbulb'." This may only work in the United States...
"I am a g.e. lightbulb"*
*General Electric brand of lightbulbs.
I told it to my son, who told it to my daughter-in-law, who told it to my other son, who told it to my husband. It has now been officially nominated by my son and daughter-in-law as, "The family joke," to be retold many times in the future. Thank you 5th Mary, I think?
If you're with a gullible friend, ask them to "Spell the word 'image' out loud and then say 'lightbulb'." This may only work in the United States...
"I am a g.e. lightbulb"*
*General Electric brand of lightbulbs.
I told it to my son, who told it to my daughter-in-law, who told it to my other son, who told it to my husband. It has now been officially nominated by my son and daughter-in-law as, "The family joke," to be retold many times in the future. Thank you 5th Mary, I think?
Had to go the Doctors this morning. Had to strip off, the Doc immediately mentioned the fact that my genitalia was perfectly shaped like a saxophone . I explained it was a family trait and we all had genitalia shaped like musical instruments
He was amazed and said "Well in 25 years as a GP I've never seen nothing like it, having said that I do remember a woman coming in a few years ago and her vagina was shaped like a mouth organ"
Schrödinger's Spelling - where a typo results in an intended and accidental statement, both of which are true. E.g. "the White House is in the grip of a dangerous cult"
An elderly man living alone in Sussex wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Paul,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Paul.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
On the Schrodinger tack (warning: quantum theory joke coming up), apparently the traffic police stopped him on the Autobahn. "Gut afternoon, Herr professor, do you know that you were going at exactly 80.24 kilometres an hour?" "Mein Gott, replied Schrodinger, "now, I am lost".
A man was dining in a French restaurant and felt a call of nature coming on. He asked the waiter if there was a men's room. "Oui, oui!" the waiter replied. "No, poo poo!" the man said.
Dai goes round to see Megan you know. 'e knocks on the door like and Megan's dad answers. Dai says 'oo 'ello, Megan in is she?'. Megan's dad says she's in the ty bach like, down the garden. Dai says he'll pop through and wait for her down the garden like. So he's standin' outside the 'little house' thinkin' what to say to Megan when she comes out. 'Oooh, your eyes are like limpid poo-ells of interstellar space Megan', 'No Dai lad, you've bin watchin' too much Star Trek'. 'Oh Megan, you're lips are like frosted pink rose petals on a February morning', 'Ah no Dai. roses don't bloom in February'. Just then Megan pulls the chain and steps out. 'Bin fer a shit 'ave you Megan?'.
Call Miss Amanda dense, but she struggles to find humor in that one. Could someone please explain it to her?
@Amanda B Reckondwyth First it's to be heard in a strong Welsh accent. Dai = David in Welsh. Ty bach = little house in Welsh, i.e. privy out the back. Those set the scene.
Second, Dai is to be pictured standing outside the privy waiting for Meghan to come out.
Third, he's imagining the florid flattery with which he will greet her, and he hopes impress her.
Fourth, there is the implication that he's a bit nervous.
Finally, there is the deflationary letdown, of what he blurts out of his mouth, factually correct but using a word a male suitor is not supposed to use to his beloved.
It in part turns on incongruity.
Not, perhaps, the most scintillating joke ever, and that is something that for each of us, though different jokes, it doubtless shares with others on this thread. IMHO it's not that bad. I didn't get at all, and still don't, @NOprophet_NØprofit's one about the snowman.
Does that help explain it for you?
If you'd like another ty bach story, here goes, though this one should be heard in a Norfolk accent.
There be two oud brothers, oud Harra and oud George. They bin livin in the same oud house noo, 80 years. Oud Harra has died (there's another classic joke about that). Oud George puts the cottage up for sale. This flash woman come from London in a sports car, a journalist or some'n, come to look at it, for a weekend cottage. She quoit loike it. Slightly embarrassed, though, she say to oud George,
"Oi need to relieve moiself before oi goo 'ome but there doon't seem to be a lavatory in the hoose".
"That be out the back", he say.
She goes out there.
A minute or two later, she comes rushing back very flustered, and shrieks,
"There's no lock on the door".
Oud George, he say.
"That bin there all moi life, and noobody troid to toike it away yet."
Hamish and Dougal always went drinking with Wee Jock. They made an agreement that when one of them died, the others would each pour a generous dram into the grave.
One day, the Grim Reaper called for Wee Jock. At the graveside, Hamish and Dougal stood holding glasses of 15 year old Jura.
"Dougal", said Hamish, "Afore we do oor final duty by Wee Jock there, dee ye think he'd mind if we gave it a wee swirl aroond oor kidneys first?"
One thing I hate about Frozen is the amount of tie-in merchandise.
I mean, I understand Frozen toys and Frozen books, but I don't understand why Tesco needs to have three whole aisles of Frozen vegetables, Frozen chips, Frozen pizza ...
Ty bach = little house in Welsh, i.e. privy out the back.
I did gather as much.
He's imagining the florid flattery with which he will greet her, and he hopes impress her.
I gathered that too.
Finally, there is the deflationary letdown, of what he blurts out of his mouth, factually correct but using a word a male suitor is not supposed to use to his beloved.
It in part turns on incongruity. <<snip>> Does that help explain it for you?
Perfectly. Incongruous, perhaps, but a gentleman noting to a lady that she's just taken a kashitsky? Not funny.
One thing I hate about Frozen is the amount of tie-in merchandise.
I mean, I understand Frozen toys and Frozen books, but I don't understand why Tesco needs to have three whole aisles of Frozen vegetables, Frozen chips, Frozen pizza ...
A lady was driving in a remote rural area and noticed her car was running low on gas. Just then she spotted a lone gas station out in the middle of nowhere. Pulling in, she asked the attendant to fill the tank up. The attendant was happy to oblige.
Thinking she'd better take advantage of this oasis of hospitality in the midst of nothingness, she asked if there was a rest room.
"Well, yes," the attendant replied. "But we're sort of primitive way out here. All we have is an outhouse. You'll find it out back." And so the lady did indeed find it.
After a moment or two had passed, the attendant pressed a button affixed to the wall. No sooner had he done so when the lady emerged from the outhouse, her face as red as a beet, jumped into her car and sped off. All much to the bewilderment of another customer who had pulled in shortly after the lady had.
"I suppose you're wondering what just happened," the attendant said to the other customer. "Well, I'll tell you. Things get pretty lonely out here, and we have to amuse ourselves as best we can. Perhaps you noticed that I pressed a button after the lady had gone into the outhouse."
"Yes, I did notice that," said the customer.
"Well, that button set off a recorded message," the attendant said.
"What did the message say?" the customer wondered.
"Well," the attendant replied, "it goes like this: 'Excuse me, lady, but would you mind moving over to the next hole? I'm painting down here!'"
One thing I hate about Frozen is the amount of tie-in merchandise.
I mean, I understand Frozen toys and Frozen books, but I don't understand why Tesco needs to have three whole aisles of Frozen vegetables, Frozen chips, Frozen pizza ...
Having small female grandchildren who love 'Frozen', I get and really enjoyed that one, @Ricardus . But I'm sorry. I still don't get @NOprophet_NØprofit's joke.
One thing I hate about Frozen is the amount of tie-in merchandise.
I mean, I understand Frozen toys and Frozen books, but I don't understand why Tesco needs to have three whole aisles of Frozen vegetables, Frozen chips, Frozen pizza ...
Having small female grandchildren who love 'Frozen', I get and really enjoyed that one, @Ricardus . But I'm sorry. I still don't get @NOprophet_NØprofit's joke.
"Do you want to build a snowman?" and "Let it go" are songs from the film.
I've never seen it. My kids hate anything to do with Disney princesses and that.
Comments
I would plead with them and say, " Don't be cruel"
The Valar cruel ? Never! Just, certainly...
/please carry on/
[tangent]
Have you forgotten that Melkor is a Vala?
[/Tangent]
Well, he was... until the Dagor Dagorath - Trump is Melkor in disguise? The far-right militias of Orcs?
No joke at all, at all...
Three Old Codgers are discussing the less pleasant aspects of getting old.
1st OC 'I have such a job trying to pee in the morning - I strain and I squeeze, and all I get is a trickle.'
2nd OC ' I have trouble trying to poo - I grunt and I groan, and all I get is raisins!'
3rd OC 'I pee a lovely golden shower every morning at 7 o'clock, and I poo lovely juicy plums at 8 o'clock!!'
1st & 2nd OCs 'So what's the problem?'
3rd OC 'I don't wake up until 9 o'clock...'
"I am a g.e. lightbulb"*
*General Electric brand of lightbulbs.
Ted: Who's there?
Bill: Ah
Ted: Ah who?
Bill: Werewolves of London
That’s made my day
When I was working as a social worker, my psychiatrist colleague was carrying out a cognitive test with an elderly woman.
He asked her if she knew who the Prime Minister was, ( at the time it was Tony Blair)
She thought for a moment before replying
“ I can’t remember his name dear, but he’s quite a dish”
I have puzzled hard, but I just don’t get it. Has the meaning dropped into the Atlantic?
'This place' as in 'this town' vs 'this place' as in 'this restaurant'.
I thought it was quite funny.
Thank you, for some reason I couldn’t see Burger King. Must have a screwloose!
The discussion turned to which order God loved best. A heated debate ensued. Finally, a little Franciscan nun got up and begged, "Stop arguing, please! I'll write a letter to God and ask him whom he loves best."
Naturally she was laughed out of the room. But what the good worthies didn't know was that she was a very holy nun, and when she wrote a letter to God she got an answer! To wit:
Dear Sister:
Thank you for your inquiry into which order I love best. Actually all of my orders do good work in the world, and I don't favor any one over another. I love them all equally.
Yours truly,
God, S.J.
I told it to my son, who told it to my daughter-in-law, who told it to my other son, who told it to my husband. It has now been officially nominated by my son and daughter-in-law as, "The family joke," to be retold many times in the future. Thank you 5th Mary, I think?
What do you call cold tea with ice? Iced tea
What do you call cold ink with ice?
Iced ink.
Why, so you do!
Yay!!! I have another, somewhat similar one...
"I was thinking of buying you either a nice scarf or a Henway. Which do you think you'd like more?"
Hopefully the other person looks puzzled and asks, "A Henway? What's a Henway?"
Then you pause for a mere second and then matter of factly say, "Oh, four or five pounds!" Or kilos, or whatever weight your country uses.
Get it? A hen weigh...
I'll get my coat before the rotten eggs start flying. 😇😅😈
He was amazed and said "Well in 25 years as a GP I've never seen nothing like it, having said that I do remember a woman coming in a few years ago and her vagina was shaped like a mouth organ"
I said, "That'll be our Monica"
Thanks Enoch. I never expect most people to agree with me
Wow, indeed! Now I am compelled to find out more about you! 😀😅
Don't let it go to your head.
So what's the punchline ?
"If you cut your long hair," the reverend replied.
"But Dad," the teenager retorted, "Moses had long hair. Sampson had long hair. Even Jesus had long hair."
"Yes." his father replied. "And they walked everywhere they went!"
Schrödinger's Spelling - where a typo results in an intended and accidental statement, both of which are true. E.g. "the White House is in the grip of a dangerous cult"
Dear Paul,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Paul.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
I was looking through some boxes in the attic the other day and found a hamerfoure.
What's a hamerfoure?
Banging nails in.
It's probably better spoken rather than written down.
That is excellent. Thank you.
A: Frozen came out in 2003. Let it go.
Second, Dai is to be pictured standing outside the privy waiting for Meghan to come out.
Third, he's imagining the florid flattery with which he will greet her, and he hopes impress her.
Fourth, there is the implication that he's a bit nervous.
Finally, there is the deflationary letdown, of what he blurts out of his mouth, factually correct but using a word a male suitor is not supposed to use to his beloved.
It in part turns on incongruity.
Not, perhaps, the most scintillating joke ever, and that is something that for each of us, though different jokes, it doubtless shares with others on this thread. IMHO it's not that bad. I didn't get at all, and still don't, @NOprophet_NØprofit's one about the snowman.
Does that help explain it for you?
If you'd like another ty bach story, here goes, though this one should be heard in a Norfolk accent.
There be two oud brothers, oud Harra and oud George. They bin livin in the same oud house noo, 80 years. Oud Harra has died (there's another classic joke about that). Oud George puts the cottage up for sale. This flash woman come from London in a sports car, a journalist or some'n, come to look at it, for a weekend cottage. She quoit loike it. Slightly embarrassed, though, she say to oud George,
"Oi need to relieve moiself before oi goo 'ome but there doon't seem to be a lavatory in the hoose".
"That be out the back", he say.
She goes out there.
A minute or two later, she comes rushing back very flustered, and shrieks,
"There's no lock on the door".
Oud George, he say.
"That bin there all moi life, and noobody troid to toike it away yet."
One day, the Grim Reaper called for Wee Jock. At the graveside, Hamish and Dougal stood holding glasses of 15 year old Jura.
"Dougal", said Hamish, "Afore we do oor final duty by Wee Jock there, dee ye think he'd mind if we gave it a wee swirl aroond oor kidneys first?"
One thing I hate about Frozen is the amount of tie-in merchandise.
I mean, I understand Frozen toys and Frozen books, but I don't understand why Tesco needs to have three whole aisles of Frozen vegetables, Frozen chips, Frozen pizza ...
I did gather as much.
I gathered that too.
Perfectly. Incongruous, perhaps, but a gentleman noting to a lady that she's just taken a kashitsky? Not funny.
Much better.
A lady was driving in a remote rural area and noticed her car was running low on gas. Just then she spotted a lone gas station out in the middle of nowhere. Pulling in, she asked the attendant to fill the tank up. The attendant was happy to oblige.
Thinking she'd better take advantage of this oasis of hospitality in the midst of nothingness, she asked if there was a rest room.
"Well, yes," the attendant replied. "But we're sort of primitive way out here. All we have is an outhouse. You'll find it out back." And so the lady did indeed find it.
After a moment or two had passed, the attendant pressed a button affixed to the wall. No sooner had he done so when the lady emerged from the outhouse, her face as red as a beet, jumped into her car and sped off. All much to the bewilderment of another customer who had pulled in shortly after the lady had.
"I suppose you're wondering what just happened," the attendant said to the other customer. "Well, I'll tell you. Things get pretty lonely out here, and we have to amuse ourselves as best we can. Perhaps you noticed that I pressed a button after the lady had gone into the outhouse."
"Yes, I did notice that," said the customer.
"Well, that button set off a recorded message," the attendant said.
"What did the message say?" the customer wondered.
"Well," the attendant replied, "it goes like this: 'Excuse me, lady, but would you mind moving over to the next hole? I'm painting down here!'"
"Do you want to build a snowman?" and "Let it go" are songs from the film.
I've never seen it. My kids hate anything to do with Disney princesses and that.