Bad jokes

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  • And another from my friend Ian:
    Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.
  • Priscilla wrote: »
    And another from my friend Ian:
    Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.

    I'm a (bio)chemist and I don't get it!
    Oh, I just did .... it refers to the theme, doesn't it? Never watched it, me.
  • DafydDafyd Hell Host
    The Batman theme isn't Na Na Na Na etc. It's what Alfred says when he calls Bruce Wayne for his evening meal.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    Isn’t that a bit obscure for this thread?
  • "I'm really annoyed about the cost of having my tyres pumped up"

    "That's inflation for you"
  • Each morning I take my cow for a long walk through a vineyard.

    I herd it through the grapevine.
  • Renowned mime artist Marcel Marceau died at the age of 84 following a long battle with gesticular cancer.
  • Renowned mime artist Marcel Marceau died at the age of 84 following a long battle with gesticular cancer.

    I was going to nick that from ISIHAC...
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    Fresh from this morning's Christmas cracker.

    What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?


    He got 25 days.
  • KarlLB wrote: »
    Renowned mime artist Marcel Marceau died at the age of 84 following a long battle with gesticular cancer.

    I was going to nick that from ISIHAC...

    My brother told it me. I suspect he got it from ISIHAC.
  • The Flat Earth Society are holding a major conference in the New Year.

    In a press release they have announced that they are expecting delegates from all over the globe.
  • Our minister worked what he said was a Desmond Tutu joke into his Christmas Eve service.

    Joseph was complaining to the angel Gabriel about his pregnant wife, to which Gabriel replies, "I can't do anything about that - it's not my fault".
    "It's not my fault either!" says Joseph.
  • Eirenist wrote: »
    A favourite of my (late) father:
    'A man was walking by a sewer
    Andby that sewer he died,
    And at the coroner's inquest
    They called if sewercide.'

    I thought it was:

    There was a young fellow named Clide,
    Who fell down a sewer and died.
    The next day his brother
    Fell down another,
    And now they're interred side by side.


  • Same theme, but that's a limerick. My father's has tthe refrain 'Oh it ain't gonna rain no more, no more/ It ain't gonna rain no more;/How in the world ccan the old folks tell/ It ain't gonna rain no more?' so presumably is part of a longer song.
  • RockyRoger wrote: »
    Priscilla wrote: »
    And another from my friend Ian:
    Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.

    I'm a (bio)chemist and I don't get it!
    Oh, I just did .... it refers to the theme, doesn't it? Never watched it, me.

    I never get these, because I see "Na", and read "Sodium" (or sometimes en-ay). It would be bizarre to read it as "Nah".
  • Eirenist wrote: »
    Same theme, but that's a limerick. My father's has tthe refrain 'Oh it ain't gonna rain no more, no more/ It ain't gonna rain no more;/How in the world ccan the old folks tell/ It ain't gonna rain no more?' so presumably is part of a longer song.

    Ain't going to rain no more video (1949)

    I learned the song when I was in elementary school.

  • KarlLB wrote: »
    Renowned mime artist Marcel Marceau died at the age of 84 following a long battle with gesticular cancer.

    I was going to nick that from ISIHAC...

    I'm a fan of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue too. But I thought riffing on testicular cancer was in poor taste.
  • MooMoo Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    I learned as variant for the line: "How in the . world can the old folks tell..." It went: "How in the heck can I wash my neck"
  • Bad taste joke from WWII:
    'Don't worry, it's one of ours. I can tell by the sound of the engi - '
  • What are you when you drive a Subaru backwards?

    U R A BUS
  • Sometimes, there is no other way to tell a joke, than a visual link..
  • One of my claims to fame is that I once met John Lennon on a train when we were both young men. "John," I said. "Can you imagine all the people living life in peace?" He thought about it for a minute, then shook my hand. "Thank you," he said, "One day I might just write a song about this moment." And he did. It's the seldom heard album track "Some Random Bloke I Met On A Train.”
  • Telford wrote: »
    One of my claims to fame is that I once met John Lennon on a train when we were both young men. "John," I said. "Can you imagine all the people living life in peace?" He thought about it for a minute, then shook my hand. "Thank you," he said, "One day I might just write a song about this moment." And he did. It's the seldom heard album track "Some Random Bloke I Met On A Train.”

    Nice!
  • EirenistEirenist Shipmate
    edited January 2024
    There was a man who tried necrophilia, but found it was dead boring.
    (Pass the brain bleach, somebody, quickly!)

    [Hidden because some may find this offensive - Alan Cresswell, Admin]
  • ArethosemyfeetArethosemyfeet Shipmate, Heaven Host
    edited January 2024
    Eirenist wrote: »
    There was a man who tried necrophilia, but found it was dead boring.
    (Pass the brain bleach, somebody, quickly!)

    If we're going there:
    "I'm a gay necrophiliac" he said, in dead Earnest.

    [Hidden because some may find this offensive - Alan Cresswell, Admin]
  • TrudyTrudy Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    If we're going there:

    We are not. It's been discussed and decided before that we want to exclude the potentially gross, horrifying, or disturbing jokes from our "bad jokes" thread, in the interests of keeping it all light and Heavenly.

    Thanks,
    Trudy, Heavenly Host
  • Could the last two possibly be deleted?
  • TrudyTrudy Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    edited January 2024
    Could the last two possibly be deleted?

    The two offending jokes were initially removed, but after some backstage consultation with admins, there are back again, but with spoiler tags and a note indicating the material is hidden. This is more in keeping with our Ship policy, under which we very rarely delete posts. Please keep your bad jokes in good taste, folks!
  • My Wife just phoned me and the conversation went like this :-
    Her: "You know that Gladiator movie that I got you for Christmas..???
    Me: "Yeah."
    Her: "Wind it forward One Hour, 16 mins and 28 seconds."
    Me: "Right, I've done that"..
    Her: "Okay, you see the Gladiator at the front Fighting the Lion"..???
    Me: "I can see that, yeah."
    Her: "Just behind him, there are two Gladiators having a Sword Fight with each other"..??
    Me: Okay, I see them."
    Her: "Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the Screen, there's a Gladiator holding a Spear"..???
    Me: "Yes...! I can see him"..
    Her: Right..!
    "Those are the Sandals, I want for my Birthday".
  • We've all had conversations like that .... from daughters.
  • Apologies to host and shipmates. It was the worst 'bsdjoke' I could recollect from my schooldays. Teenage boys have nasty minds.
  • Eirenist wrote: »
    Apologies to host and shipmates. It was the worst 'bsdjoke' I could recollect from my schooldays. Teenage boys have nasty minds.

    And I missed them. Darn.
  • You didn't miss much.
  • ArethosemyfeetArethosemyfeet Shipmate, Heaven Host
    Gramps49 wrote: »
    Eirenist wrote: »
    Apologies to host and shipmates. It was the worst 'bsdjoke' I could recollect from my schooldays. Teenage boys have nasty minds.

    And I missed them. Darn.

    They're still there; just hidden.
  • You didn't miss much.

    You're right.
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    [Risking it]

    If I were into necrophilia, sado-masochism and bestiality, would I be flogging a dead horse?
  • KarlLB wrote: »
    [Risking it]

    If I were into necrophilia, sado-masochism and bestiality, would I be flogging a dead horse?

    That's so old ..... shame on you!
  • In church, they asked what a bishop does.
    Apparently, moves diagonally was not the answer they were looking for.
  • Bucks Fizz have reformed and have a position available for a dressing room security guard following a theft on their last tour. The successful applicant will be "Minding their makeup".
  • Telford wrote: »
    Bucks Fizz have reformed and have a position available for a dressing room security guard following a theft on their last tour. The successful applicant will be "Minding their makeup".

    groan .....
  • A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
    The barman looks at him and says,
    "You're a duck."
    "I see your eyes are working,"replies the duck.
    "And you can talk!"
    Exclaims the barman.
    "I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.
    "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
    "Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
    "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
    "I'm working on the building site across the road,"
    Explains the duck.
    "I'm a plasterer."
    The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
    So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
    The same thing happens for two weeks.
    Then one day the circus comes to town.
    The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
    "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
    "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card..
    "Get him to give me a call."
    So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
    "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
    "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck.
    "Where is it?"
    "At the circus," Says the barman.
    "The circus?" Repeats the duck.
    "That's right," Replies the barman.
    "The circus?" The duck asks again. With the big tent?"
    "Yeah," the barman replies.
    "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
    "Of course," the barman replies.
    "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
    "That's right!" says the barman.
    The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .......
    "What would they want with a plasterer??!"
  • Nice! More a shaggy dog story than a joke .....
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    edited January 2024
    A duck went into a pub and said “got any bread?”. “ Sorry” said the barman “we don’t sell bread. Can I get you anything else”

    The duck said “got any bread?”

    “No”said the barman. “We sell beer, we sell wine, we sell spirits but not bread. Now, what can I get you”

    “Got any bread?” said the duck.

    “Right, I’ve had enough of this” said the barman. “If you ask me that one more time, I’m going to grab your bill and nail it to the bar. Do you understand?”

    The duck nodded.

    “Right then, what can I get you?”

    The duck said “got any nails?”

    “No” said the barman.

    The duck replied “got any bread?”
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    edited January 2024
    Lord Nelson was approximately 5’6”. His statue is 17’4”.

    That’s Horatio of about 3-1
  • EnochEnoch Shipmate
    Yep. That qualifies. I groaned. It's really bad.
  • Another of my father's favourites:

    Hallo, Paddy. My word, you're looking well set up!
    I am that. I'm working for Jaysus now.
    Really? I hadn't realised you were religious.
    No, no, I meant Jeyses - Jeyses Fluid.

    [Say it alouc. Jeyes Fluid is, or used to be, a domestic disinfectant. The joke used to upset my mother, who was quite devout.]
  • Apologies to anyone offwnded by the above. I have inherited my father's sense of humour, along with much else.
  • MooMoo Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    Q: Why does beer go through you so fast?
    A: It doesn't have to change color.
  • RockyRogerRockyRoger Shipmate
    edited January 2024
    Moo wrote: »
    Q: Why does beer go through you so fast?
    A: It doesn't have to change color.

    Or, if it's some of the canned beers I've tried, taste.
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    Moo wrote: »
    Q: Why does beer go through you so fast?
    A: It doesn't have to change color.
    I’d be very worried if the decent ale that I drink came out the same colour
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