Our minister worked what he said was a Desmond Tutu joke into his Christmas Eve service.
Joseph was complaining to the angel Gabriel about his pregnant wife, to which Gabriel replies, "I can't do anything about that - it's not my fault".
"It's not my fault either!" says Joseph.
A favourite of my (late) father:
'A man was walking by a sewer
Andby that sewer he died,
And at the coroner's inquest
They called if sewercide.'
I thought it was:
There was a young fellow named Clide,
Who fell down a sewer and died.
The next day his brother
Fell down another,
And now they're interred side by side.
Same theme, but that's a limerick. My father's has tthe refrain 'Oh it ain't gonna rain no more, no more/ It ain't gonna rain no more;/How in the world ccan the old folks tell/ It ain't gonna rain no more?' so presumably is part of a longer song.
Same theme, but that's a limerick. My father's has tthe refrain 'Oh it ain't gonna rain no more, no more/ It ain't gonna rain no more;/How in the world ccan the old folks tell/ It ain't gonna rain no more?' so presumably is part of a longer song.
One of my claims to fame is that I once met John Lennon on a train when we were both young men. "John," I said. "Can you imagine all the people living life in peace?" He thought about it for a minute, then shook my hand. "Thank you," he said, "One day I might just write a song about this moment." And he did. It's the seldom heard album track "Some Random Bloke I Met On A Train.”
One of my claims to fame is that I once met John Lennon on a train when we were both young men. "John," I said. "Can you imagine all the people living life in peace?" He thought about it for a minute, then shook my hand. "Thank you," he said, "One day I might just write a song about this moment." And he did. It's the seldom heard album track "Some Random Bloke I Met On A Train.”
We are not. It's been discussed and decided before that we want to exclude the potentially gross, horrifying, or disturbing jokes from our "bad jokes" thread, in the interests of keeping it all light and Heavenly.
The two offending jokes were initially removed, but after some backstage consultation with admins, there are back again, but with spoiler tags and a note indicating the material is hidden. This is more in keeping with our Ship policy, under which we very rarely delete posts. Please keep your bad jokes in good taste, folks!
My Wife just phoned me and the conversation went like this :-
Her: "You know that Gladiator movie that I got you for Christmas..???
Me: "Yeah."
Her: "Wind it forward One Hour, 16 mins and 28 seconds."
Me: "Right, I've done that"..
Her: "Okay, you see the Gladiator at the front Fighting the Lion"..???
Me: "I can see that, yeah."
Her: "Just behind him, there are two Gladiators having a Sword Fight with each other"..??
Me: Okay, I see them."
Her: "Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the Screen, there's a Gladiator holding a Spear"..???
Me: "Yes...! I can see him"..
Her: Right..!
"Those are the Sandals, I want for my Birthday".
Bucks Fizz have reformed and have a position available for a dressing room security guard following a theft on their last tour. The successful applicant will be "Minding their makeup".
Bucks Fizz have reformed and have a position available for a dressing room security guard following a theft on their last tour. The successful applicant will be "Minding their makeup".
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working,"replies the duck.
"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road,"
Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card..
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus," Says the barman.
"The circus?" Repeats the duck.
"That's right," Replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again. With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .......
"What would they want with a plasterer??!"
A duck went into a pub and said “got any bread?”. “ Sorry” said the barman “we don’t sell bread. Can I get you anything else”
The duck said “got any bread?”
“No”said the barman. “We sell beer, we sell wine, we sell spirits but not bread. Now, what can I get you”
“Got any bread?” said the duck.
“Right, I’ve had enough of this” said the barman. “If you ask me that one more time, I’m going to grab your bill and nail it to the bar. Do you understand?”
Hallo, Paddy. My word, you're looking well set up!
I am that. I'm working for Jaysus now.
Really? I hadn't realised you were religious.
No, no, I meant Jeyses - Jeyses Fluid.
[Say it alouc. Jeyes Fluid is, or used to be, a domestic disinfectant. The joke used to upset my mother, who was quite devout.]
Comments
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.
I'm a (bio)chemist and I don't get it!
Oh, I just did .... it refers to the theme, doesn't it? Never watched it, me.
"That's inflation for you"
I herd it through the grapevine.
I was going to nick that from ISIHAC...
What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days.
My brother told it me. I suspect he got it from ISIHAC.
In a press release they have announced that they are expecting delegates from all over the globe.
Joseph was complaining to the angel Gabriel about his pregnant wife, to which Gabriel replies, "I can't do anything about that - it's not my fault".
"It's not my fault either!" says Joseph.
I thought it was:
There was a young fellow named Clide,
Who fell down a sewer and died.
The next day his brother
Fell down another,
And now they're interred side by side.
I never get these, because I see "Na", and read "Sodium" (or sometimes en-ay). It would be bizarre to read it as "Nah".
Ain't going to rain no more video (1949)
I learned the song when I was in elementary school.
I'm a fan of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue too. But I thought riffing on testicular cancer was in poor taste.
'Don't worry, it's one of ours. I can tell by the sound of the engi - '
U R A BUS
Nice!
[Hidden because some may find this offensive - Alan Cresswell, Admin]
If we're going there:
"I'm a gay necrophiliac" he said, in dead Earnest.
[Hidden because some may find this offensive - Alan Cresswell, Admin]
We are not. It's been discussed and decided before that we want to exclude the potentially gross, horrifying, or disturbing jokes from our "bad jokes" thread, in the interests of keeping it all light and Heavenly.
Thanks,
Trudy, Heavenly Host
The two offending jokes were initially removed, but after some backstage consultation with admins, there are back again, but with spoiler tags and a note indicating the material is hidden. This is more in keeping with our Ship policy, under which we very rarely delete posts. Please keep your bad jokes in good taste, folks!
Her: "You know that Gladiator movie that I got you for Christmas..???
Me: "Yeah."
Her: "Wind it forward One Hour, 16 mins and 28 seconds."
Me: "Right, I've done that"..
Her: "Okay, you see the Gladiator at the front Fighting the Lion"..???
Me: "I can see that, yeah."
Her: "Just behind him, there are two Gladiators having a Sword Fight with each other"..??
Me: Okay, I see them."
Her: "Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the Screen, there's a Gladiator holding a Spear"..???
Me: "Yes...! I can see him"..
Her: Right..!
"Those are the Sandals, I want for my Birthday".
And I missed them. Darn.
They're still there; just hidden.
You're right.
If I were into necrophilia, sado-masochism and bestiality, would I be flogging a dead horse?
That's so old ..... shame on you!
Apparently, moves diagonally was not the answer they were looking for.
groan .....
The barman looks at him and says,
"You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working,"replies the duck.
"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road,"
Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card..
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus," Says the barman.
"The circus?" Repeats the duck.
"That's right," Replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again. With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .......
"What would they want with a plasterer??!"
The duck said “got any bread?”
“No”said the barman. “We sell beer, we sell wine, we sell spirits but not bread. Now, what can I get you”
“Got any bread?” said the duck.
“Right, I’ve had enough of this” said the barman. “If you ask me that one more time, I’m going to grab your bill and nail it to the bar. Do you understand?”
The duck nodded.
“Right then, what can I get you?”
The duck said “got any nails?”
“No” said the barman.
The duck replied “got any bread?”
That’s Horatio of about 3-1
Hallo, Paddy. My word, you're looking well set up!
I am that. I'm working for Jaysus now.
Really? I hadn't realised you were religious.
No, no, I meant Jeyses - Jeyses Fluid.
[Say it alouc. Jeyes Fluid is, or used to be, a domestic disinfectant. The joke used to upset my mother, who was quite devout.]
A: It doesn't have to change color.
Or, if it's some of the canned beers I've tried, taste.