Bad jokes

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  • Darllenwr told me that he was fascinated by the Jehovah’s Witnesses and the Mormons, and so wondered if he’d become a sects maniac!
  • Priscilla wrote: »
    Darllenwr told me that he was fascinated by the Jehovah’s Witnesses and the Mormons, and so wondered if he’d become a sects maniac!

    I had to read that quite carefully....!
  • PriscillaPriscilla Shipmate
    edited March 2024
    He also wondered if the residents of Nigeria were Nigerians, the residents of America were Americans, did this make the residents of Jericho Jerry Cans?
  • The_RivThe_Riv Shipmate
    I don't trust staircases -- they're always up to something.
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    When you really get down to it, I suppose they are.
  • A staircase of you -a Joni Mitchell song reimagined by The Carpenters
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    What did the mafioso say to the French baker who asked him for a loan?
    Baguette about it!
  • EirenistEirenist Shipmate
    If you go to a US Republican rally, you may get Trumpled underfoot.
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    How do you make a conspiracy theorist's head explode?

    Tell them there's a vaccine for the effects of chemtrails.
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
    The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
    The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
    The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
    The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
    This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get
    rid of the donkey.
    The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
    The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
    The Bishop fainted.
    He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
    The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
    This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
    The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
    The Bishop was buried the next day.
    The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life.
    So be yourself and enjoy life.
    Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!!
    You'll be a lot happier and live longer!

  • EirenistEirenist Shipmate
    That joke does not work east of the Pond. It's funny though, provided you kmow how Americans spell 'arse'.
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    Eirenist wrote: »
    That joke does not work east of the Pond. It's funny though, provided you kmow how Americans spell 'arse'.

    Of course those of us in a certain country west of the pond pronounce it right.
  • Gramps49 wrote: »
    Eirenist wrote: »
    That joke does not work east of the Pond. It's funny though, provided you kmow how Americans spell 'arse'.

    Of course those of us in a certain country west of the pond pronounce it right.

    In certain quarters in UK (those educated in certain expensive independent schools) "ass" asn "arse" are pronounced the same (long "ah" as in "arse").
  • EirenistEirenist Shipmate
    In certain circles the celebration of Mass is pronounced Maass (long A) like the Dutch river. I have never understood wny, or what it signifies. But no doubt this topic belongs elsewhere.
  • North East QuineNorth East Quine Purgatory Host
    And those of us with a rhotic accent roll our rs.....
  • Eirenist wrote: »
    In certain circles the celebration of Mass is pronounced Maass (long A) like the Dutch river. I have never understood wny, or what it signifies. But no doubt this topic belongs elsewhere.

    Very Irish. I spent a couple of years of primary school ( 1960-1) being taught by Irish nuns & took the pronunciation back to Oz in 1962. It was ironed out pretty smartly after the hoots of laughter from oz nuns ( an Irish order originally) & peers….

  • And those of us with a rhotic accent roll our rs.....

    I thought it was just your high heels...
  • HarryCHHarryCH Shipmate
    Should there be a joke here somewhere?
  • And those of us with a rhotic accent roll our rs.....

    I can't get my tongue round my rs ...
  • KarlLBKarlLB Shipmate
    Gramps49 wrote: »
    Eirenist wrote: »
    That joke does not work east of the Pond. It's funny though, provided you kmow how Americans spell 'arse'.

    Of course those of us in a certain country west of the pond pronounce it right.

    In certain quarters in UK (those educated in certain expensive independent schools) "ass" asn "arse" are pronounced the same (long "ah" as in "arse").

    I don't think the A in ass is ever long. I grew up in the South (I repented) with Glahss and Cahstle and Grahss but the animal was an ass.
  • EirenistEirenist Shipmate
    Back to jokes of a sort.
    A man had the left side of his car painted red, the right side blue. His friend said it looked a bit strange. 'Yes,' said the car-owner, 'but you should just hear the witnesses contradicttinng each other!'
  • EirenistEirenist Shipmate
    Why is a fishmonger like a cobbler?
    Beccause they both deal with soles and eels!
    The old ones are the best.
  • I used to be really keen on tractors, combine harvesters and all sorts of farmyard equipment.
    But not any more.
    I'm an extractor fan.


    (stolen from our vicar this morning)
  • TelfordTelford Shipmate
    I have won £10 million on the Lottery. They have said that I get £5 million right away and the rest in installments during the year.

    I have told them that I am not happy and they can forget about it but I want my £1 back !!!
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    Bill's wife no longer banked on him, she lost interest on account of his inflated ego, and their union was not worth saving.
  • Gramps49 wrote: »
    Bill's wife no longer banked on him, she lost interest on account of his inflated ego, and their union was not worth saving.

    All credit to her!
  • TelfordTelford Shipmate
    A mate of mine took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.
    The presenter got all excited. "Ooh!" he said, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the end of the 19th century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
    My mate said, "Sticks?"
  • HuiaHuia Shipmate
    Thanks Telford, I needed a silly giggle today.
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    Did you hear about the farmer who won an award?
    He was outstanding in his field.
  • MooMoo Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    "No, no a thousand times no!" said the millipede as she crossed her legs."
  • TurquoiseTasticTurquoiseTastic Kerygmania Host
    Dr. Pelican was certainly an expert physician. The only thing his patients weren't so pleased about was his very large bill.
  • Monk: What makes us human?
    Buddha: Selecting all the images with stairs.
  • FirenzeFirenze Shipmate, Host Emeritus
    Gramps49 wrote: »
    Did you hear about the farmer who won an award?
    He was outstanding in his field.

    That's the definition of an Irish farmer: a man out standing in his own field.

  • DafydDafyd Hell Host
    Did you hear about the magic tractor?
    It turned into a field.
  • TelfordTelford Shipmate
    I'll never forget how happy I was when
    I saw my missus walking down the aisle
    My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable !!!
    It seemed to take an age but eventually
    there she was stood beside me ❤️❤️
    I gave her a cheeky wink and said.
    "Get that trolley over here love, they're
    doing 3 cases of Stella for the price of 2
  • Martin54Martin54 Suspended
    Doctor! Doctor! I keep hearing voices from my underpants!
    Ignore them. If they're from the back they're talking shit and if they're from the front they're talking bollocks.
  • Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
    If you would like to pop yourself on the couch I'll come and examine you.
    "I'm not allowed on the couch".
  • SparrowSparrow Shipmate
    Merry Vole wrote: »
    Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
    If you would like to pop yourself on the couch I'll come and examine you.
    "I'm not allowed on the couch".

    Tangent: don't you hate it when medical staff say "pop" yourself/up there? So patronising.
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    I am starting a new restaurant.
    My featured dish
    will be curry on chips.
    It will be called
    Curry on my wayward spud.
    And yes there will be
    peas when you are done.
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    You will also be Frito-lay your head down to rest.
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    Sorry for the triple post, not.

    My Grandad always used to say, “When one door closes another one opens”. He was a great man, but a terrible cabinet maker.
  • Gramps49 wrote: »
    I am starting a new restaurant.
    My featured dish
    will be curry on chips.
    It will be called
    Curry on my wayward spud.
    And yes there will be
    peas when you are done.

    Kinda get it ... but don't know (forgive my ignorance) the original you are lampooning. Could you enlighten?
  • SpikeSpike Ecclesiantics & MW Host, Admin Emeritus
    Gramps49 wrote: »
    Sorry for the triple post, not.

    My Grandad always used to say, “When one door closes another one opens”. He was a great man, but a terrible cabinet maker.

    When one door closes another one opens. I had an Austin Allegro like that.
  • Gramps49Gramps49 Shipmate
    RockyRoger wrote: »
    Gramps49 wrote: »
    I am starting a new restaurant.
    My featured dish
    will be curry on chips.
    It will be called
    Curry on my wayward spud.
    And yes there will be
    peas when you are done.

    Kinda get it ... but don't know (forgive my ignorance) the original you are lampooning. Could you enlighten?

    Comes from the song by the rock group Kansas in 1976. Reached Platinum in the UK

    https://youtu.be/P5ZJui3aPoQ
  • Never iron your four-leaf clover!

    That's just pressing your luck.
  • Or try and sell your four leaf clover.
    That's pushing your luck!
  • Gill HGill H Shipmate
    I so need this thread today - thank you!
  • BroJamesBroJames Purgatory Host
    edited March 2024
    Or fall over on your four-leaf clover and squash it.

    Down on your luck.
  • TelfordTelford Shipmate
    King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
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