Please pray for a possible new relationship, which may or may not just be a friendship but I don’t know and I’ve not thought about ever having another partner again so I’m wrestling with this, to go well, whatever it becomes.
That is to say, I’d assumed I’d never have another partner, but now I’m not sure. And maybe I need one. I’m not the same person as I was before I met Cubby. Of course one might have a partner without necessarily being roommates/housemates, too. I don’t know. But we’ve really hit it off well so far…
Hope things work out as best befitting unto you, @ChastMastr, to paraphrase the 1662 Book of Common Prayer.
Meanwhile, I'm in love ❤️ 😍 and feel like a giddy teenager - and that despite distance, ecclesial differences and practical considerations. I don't think I've abandoned common sense though.
My friend tells me she feels very tenderly towards me but remains cautious and doesn't yet want to 'whisper those words my heart is longing to hear' to quote the song from the closing credits of the 1960s British 'Supermarionation' TV series 'Stingray.'
She says she feels she's not far behind though.
I feel pole-axed by the whole thing, to be honest. I can't think straight. I'm all palpitations and shortness of breath. I'm mooning around like a love-sick teenager.
I imagine all this is normal but I'm feeling very tired and struggle to motivate myself to get on with things. I keep looking at her photo on my phone and feeling woozy.
Then, the next day I'll wonder whether I'm acting precipitately or whether there's any milage in it at all.
My emotions are all over the place.
What can I do? Long walks? Distraction?
I feel like a chemical cocktail. Cortisol. Adrenaline. Whooze, fizz and pulse.
Hope things work out as best befitting unto you, @ChastMastr, to paraphrase the 1662 Book of Common Prayer.
Meanwhile, I'm in love ❤️ 😍 and feel like a giddy teenager - and that despite distance, ecclesial differences and practical considerations. I don't think I've abandoned common sense though.
My friend tells me she feels very tenderly towards me but remains cautious and doesn't yet want to 'whisper those words my heart is longing to hear' to quote the song from the closing credits of the 1960s British 'Supermarionation' TV series 'Stingray.'
She says she feels she's not far behind though.
I feel pole-axed by the whole thing, to be honest. I can't think straight. I'm all palpitations and shortness of breath. I'm mooning around like a love-sick teenager.
I imagine all this is normal but I'm feeling very tired and struggle to motivate myself to get on with things. I keep looking at her photo on my phone and feeling woozy.
Then, the next day I'll wonder whether I'm acting precipitately or whether there's any milage in it at all.
My emotions are all over the place.
What can I do? Long walks? Distraction?
I feel like a chemical cocktail. Cortisol. Adrenaline. Whooze, fizz and pulse.
Help! Help! It's a roller-coaster.
It sounds potentially awesome but prayers for you regardless. ❤️🕯
I feel like a chemical cocktail. Cortisol. Adrenaline. Whooze, fizz and pulse.
Help! Help! It's a roller-coaster.
What can you do on the rollover-coaster? I’d say enjoy the ride.
In an odd way this makes the think of the “Enjoying God” thread. Rather than fretting about what might or might not happen, or how it will all play out—I know, easy to say!—enjoy this gift from God that reminds you in a powerful way that life isn’t over, that new days come, and that even at our age you can feel like a teenager again.
To quote Dag Hammarskjöld: “For all that has been, thanks. For all that will be, yes.”
It will be 7 years in December since I lost my dear wife to cancer. It's early days but I am in a new relationship and yes, that feels odd and yes, I do feel guilty about it as though I'm letting my wife down.
She wasn't at all keen on the idea of my having another relationship after her death. I told her that I couldn't promise that I wouldn't should such a thing develop organically but that I wouldn't go out looking for one.
I broke that promise.
These are tough issues. There's not a day goes by when I don't cry or experience waves of grief for my late wife.
Anything can trigger it.
I'm in tears now, typing this.
I really don't know what's right or wrong in circumstances like this, I don't think there are any hard and fast 'rules'. We are all different.
Aphorisms like 'Women mourn, men replace' are not at all helpful though. What about bereaved women who find another partner? Are they wrong to do so? Are they 'unfeminine'?
I recently heard a rather rigorist priest in my own Tradition say that it's better for anyone widowed, male or female, to remain single and that they should only remarry in exceptional circumstances, such as a single parent with young children.
I've not heard anyone else say that.
I know you aren't out to set your particular stance as a standard for everyone but it's a position I understand and respect.
It does, inevitably, make me wonder whether I'm doing the right thing. Am I letting my late wife down? Have I perjured myself? And so on.
Things happen that inevitably remind me of my time with my dear late wife. I've handled some situations better with my new friend than I did with my late wife and wish I could go back in a time machine and put things right. But I can't. I could only deal with those situations by learning from past mistakes. Thoughts go through my mind, 'Have I learned this at her expense?'
Is she looking down from heaven, aware that I've broken my promise? Am I letting her down?
All this.
And yet my new friend relishes our time together. There's a spring in her step. Am I wrong to contribute something to her life?
Whatever the case, I don't know how old you are @Sighthound nor how many years you have left before the Lord calls you home, but respect and prayers - and 'Amen! Come Lord Jesus.'
I recently heard a rather rigorist priest in my own Tradition say that it's better for anyone widowed, male or female, to remain single and that they should only remarry in exceptional circumstances, such as a single parent with young children.
I think the blanket statement the priest made is just as bad as the gendered stereotyping in the aphorism. Honestly, both are rather inhumane.
I hope you can enjoy and flourish in your new relationship, @Gamma Gamaliel. If there's a heaven, surely your wife is perfected in it and wouldn't begrudge you happiness now.
To be fair on the priest, he would extend the 'oikonomia' or 'ekkonomeia' thing we Orthodox talk about (and which I never know how to spell) - but yes, his comment struck me that way too.
But I've known him to be very open and 'liberal' on other matters.
I recently heard a rather rigorist priest in my own Tradition say that it's better for anyone widowed, male or female, to remain single and that they should only remarry in exceptional circumstances, such as a single parent with young children.
I think the blanket statement the priest made is just as bad as the gendered stereotyping in the aphorism. Honestly, both are rather inhumane.
I hope you can enjoy and flourish in your new relationship, @Gamma Gamaliel. If there's a heaven, surely your wife is perfected in it and wouldn't begrudge you happiness now.
It will be 7 years in December since I lost my dear wife to cancer. It's early days but I am in a new relationship and yes, that feels odd and yes, I do feel guilty about it as though I'm letting my wife down.
She wasn't at all keen on the idea of my having another relationship after her death. I told her that I couldn't promise that I wouldn't should such a thing develop organically but that I wouldn't go out looking for one.
I broke that promise.
I have not been in your position so am not speaking from an "own voice" perspective, but I do think such statements and promises are issued at a very tender time and we don't necessarily need to feel bound by them. A friend of ours was widowed three years ago and before his wife died she told him to pair up again as she didn't want him to be alone. He seemed to regard this as something of a mandate and consequently was actively seeking a new partner within the year. He went through several very painful situations before finding his current very happy relationship.
I hope you can enjoy and flourish in your new relationship, @Gamma Gamaliel. If there's a heaven, surely your wife is perfected in it and wouldn't begrudge you happiness now.
I'm sure Ruth is right here and she puts it very well.
It will be 7 years in December since I lost my dear wife to cancer. It's early days but I am in a new relationship and yes, that feels odd and yes, I do feel guilty about it as though I'm letting my wife down.
She wasn't at all keen on the idea of my having another relationship after her death. I told her that I couldn't promise that I wouldn't should such a thing develop organically but that I wouldn't go out looking for one.
I broke that promise.
These are tough issues. There's not a day goes by when I don't cry or experience waves of grief for my late wife.
Anything can trigger it.
I'm in tears now, typing this.
I really don't know what's right or wrong in circumstances like this, I don't think there are any hard and fast 'rules'. We are all different.
Aphorisms like 'Women mourn, men replace' are not at all helpful though. What about bereaved women who find another partner? Are they wrong to do so? Are they 'unfeminine'?
I recently heard a rather rigorist priest in my own Tradition say that it's better for anyone widowed, male or female, to remain single and that they should only remarry in exceptional circumstances, such as a single parent with young children.
I've not heard anyone else say that.
I know you aren't out to set your particular stance as a standard for everyone but it's a position I understand and respect.
It does, inevitably, make me wonder whether I'm doing the right thing. Am I letting my late wife down? Have I perjured myself? And so on.
Things happen that inevitably remind me of my time with my dear late wife. I've handled some situations better with my new friend than I did with my late wife and wish I could go back in a time machine and put things right. But I can't. I could only deal with those situations by learning from past mistakes. Thoughts go through my mind, 'Have I learned this at her expense?'
Is she looking down from heaven, aware that I've broken my promise? Am I letting her down?
All this.
And yet my new friend relishes our time together. There's a spring in her step. Am I wrong to contribute something to her life?
Whatever the case, I don't know how old you are @Sighthound nor how many years you have left before the Lord calls you home, but respect and prayers - and 'Amen! Come Lord Jesus.'
I found great comfort in the assurance that wherever my loved ones are right now, "none of that matters now". They are in a place of purest understanding and most infinite love, they are not looking at me through their mortal eyes, but through the eyes God gave them in order to be able to see everything in its proper and eternal context.
Also ...
Nothing that belongs to your late wife can be given to another. What belongs to her is eternally hers. Love is like an infinite ice cream buffet of flavors and toppings. No two loves taste or feel the same or occupy the same place in someone's heart.
Rather than looking at your heart as someplace with finite resources and a finite amount of loving attention, you can choose to regard this new adventure as an opportunity to grow the mansion of love in your heart and to explore its infinite capacity to hold everyone in their own sacred way and space.
I hope that you can liberate yourself from the thoughts that taint the purity of your past and present loves. More love in your life is not a Bad, it's a Good. The solution to every problem is simple - it's More Love.
I hope you can enjoy and flourish in your new relationship, @Gamma Gamaliel. If there's a heaven, surely your wife is perfected in it and wouldn't begrudge you happiness now.
Comments
That is to say, I’d assumed I’d never have another partner, but now I’m not sure. And maybe I need one. I’m not the same person as I was before I met Cubby. Of course one might have a partner without necessarily being roommates/housemates, too. I don’t know. But we’ve really hit it off well so far…
Meanwhile, I'm in love ❤️ 😍 and feel like a giddy teenager - and that despite distance, ecclesial differences and practical considerations. I don't think I've abandoned common sense though.
My friend tells me she feels very tenderly towards me but remains cautious and doesn't yet want to 'whisper those words my heart is longing to hear' to quote the song from the closing credits of the 1960s British 'Supermarionation' TV series 'Stingray.'
She says she feels she's not far behind though.
I feel pole-axed by the whole thing, to be honest. I can't think straight. I'm all palpitations and shortness of breath. I'm mooning around like a love-sick teenager.
I imagine all this is normal but I'm feeling very tired and struggle to motivate myself to get on with things. I keep looking at her photo on my phone and feeling woozy.
Then, the next day I'll wonder whether I'm acting precipitately or whether there's any milage in it at all.
My emotions are all over the place.
What can I do? Long walks? Distraction?
I feel like a chemical cocktail. Cortisol. Adrenaline. Whooze, fizz and pulse.
Help! Help! It's a roller-coaster.
It sounds potentially awesome but prayers for you regardless. ❤️🕯
In an odd way this makes the think of the “Enjoying God” thread. Rather than fretting about what might or might not happen, or how it will all play out—I know, easy to say!—enjoy this gift from God that reminds you in a powerful way that life isn’t over, that new days come, and that even at our age you can feel like a teenager again.
To quote Dag Hammarskjöld: “For all that has been, thanks. For all that will be, yes.”
We both have some concerns about coming from different Christian traditions but we'll see ...
{{{ @ChastMastr }}}
Good. Long may those feelings continue.
I saw a quote recently that, frankly, quite annoyed me. 'Women mourn, men replace.'
My wife is irreplaceable and I am not even going to try as it would be futile. As the saying goes: 'More chance of knitting fog.'
So what else is there to do but wait upon the Lord? I'm ready when He is.
It will be 7 years in December since I lost my dear wife to cancer. It's early days but I am in a new relationship and yes, that feels odd and yes, I do feel guilty about it as though I'm letting my wife down.
She wasn't at all keen on the idea of my having another relationship after her death. I told her that I couldn't promise that I wouldn't should such a thing develop organically but that I wouldn't go out looking for one.
I broke that promise.
These are tough issues. There's not a day goes by when I don't cry or experience waves of grief for my late wife.
Anything can trigger it.
I'm in tears now, typing this.
I really don't know what's right or wrong in circumstances like this, I don't think there are any hard and fast 'rules'. We are all different.
Aphorisms like 'Women mourn, men replace' are not at all helpful though. What about bereaved women who find another partner? Are they wrong to do so? Are they 'unfeminine'?
I recently heard a rather rigorist priest in my own Tradition say that it's better for anyone widowed, male or female, to remain single and that they should only remarry in exceptional circumstances, such as a single parent with young children.
I've not heard anyone else say that.
I know you aren't out to set your particular stance as a standard for everyone but it's a position I understand and respect.
It does, inevitably, make me wonder whether I'm doing the right thing. Am I letting my late wife down? Have I perjured myself? And so on.
Things happen that inevitably remind me of my time with my dear late wife. I've handled some situations better with my new friend than I did with my late wife and wish I could go back in a time machine and put things right. But I can't. I could only deal with those situations by learning from past mistakes. Thoughts go through my mind, 'Have I learned this at her expense?'
Is she looking down from heaven, aware that I've broken my promise? Am I letting her down?
All this.
And yet my new friend relishes our time together. There's a spring in her step. Am I wrong to contribute something to her life?
Whatever the case, I don't know how old you are @Sighthound nor how many years you have left before the Lord calls you home, but respect and prayers - and 'Amen! Come Lord Jesus.'
I think the blanket statement the priest made is just as bad as the gendered stereotyping in the aphorism. Honestly, both are rather inhumane.
I hope you can enjoy and flourish in your new relationship, @Gamma Gamaliel. If there's a heaven, surely your wife is perfected in it and wouldn't begrudge you happiness now.
To be fair on the priest, he would extend the 'oikonomia' or 'ekkonomeia' thing we Orthodox talk about (and which I never know how to spell) - but yes, his comment struck me that way too.
But I've known him to be very open and 'liberal' on other matters.
We are all a mass of contradictions.
Thank you for your good wishes. They mean a lot.
Amen.
I have not been in your position so am not speaking from an "own voice" perspective, but I do think such statements and promises are issued at a very tender time and we don't necessarily need to feel bound by them. A friend of ours was widowed three years ago and before his wife died she told him to pair up again as she didn't want him to be alone. He seemed to regard this as something of a mandate and consequently was actively seeking a new partner within the year. He went through several very painful situations before finding his current very happy relationship.
I'm sure Ruth is right here and she puts it very well.
I found great comfort in the assurance that wherever my loved ones are right now, "none of that matters now". They are in a place of purest understanding and most infinite love, they are not looking at me through their mortal eyes, but through the eyes God gave them in order to be able to see everything in its proper and eternal context.
Also ...
Nothing that belongs to your late wife can be given to another. What belongs to her is eternally hers. Love is like an infinite ice cream buffet of flavors and toppings. No two loves taste or feel the same or occupy the same place in someone's heart.
Rather than looking at your heart as someplace with finite resources and a finite amount of loving attention, you can choose to regard this new adventure as an opportunity to grow the mansion of love in your heart and to explore its infinite capacity to hold everyone in their own sacred way and space.
I hope that you can liberate yourself from the thoughts that taint the purity of your past and present loves. More love in your life is not a Bad, it's a Good. The solution to every problem is simple - it's More Love.
AFF